(a)lone

Something is happening here and I am afraid.  There is too much afoot… are far too many coincidences for it to be a coincidence.

And yet…. What am I so afraid of?  I seem to be floating between two separate, but very real, realities of “I don’t want to be alone” and “I don’t want to get involved with anyone”.  My soul misses having someone to coexist with. It is the unequivocal “grass is greener” situation, because yes, while I thoroughly  relish having my own house and my own space, I also long for those gentle, intimate times of togetherness and interaction, of hand holding and eye gazing, and the morphing into a beautiful contentedness.  

But…why?

On our way to a Brothers Comatose concert the other night, friend of mine said, “Wow, you really think about this stuff, huh?” and he’s right, I do.  My instructor said some profound words in class the other night, “Our wounding comes from relationships, therefore our healing must come from relationships” and I couldn’t agree more.  It is no mistake why I am now in graduate school, for an MFT therapist’s degree: it is to recapture and repair the family I lost so very long ago.  Nonetheless, I simply wish I wasn’t trying to heal a lifetime in a 2 month period. 

In a stirringly haunting song by Hanni El Khatib, he  cries out, “Wait!  Wait!  Wait!  ‘Cause nobody wants to be alone.”  He moans this with that same desperation and loneliness I feel in my heart every time I see two happy people together, two people dancing closely together, their bodies united with the knowledge of oneness, or just walking hand in hand.  It’s been so long since my heart smiled from being in love with another human.  

About a year ago, I was told by someone to make the list of what I was looking for in a person.  I did this with every attempt at being ‘honest with myself’ and handed the assignment in.  He read the list with a smile on his face and told me ever-so gently that I needed to lower my expectations.   Sigh….

I have met some beautiful men recently, in real life, not this ‘wink system’ (which has lead to more marriages than any other dating service, by the way). There’s that guy whom I was married to for a decade. He’s a super guy and after our divorce, we shared with one another that we shall always love each other.  Then there’s the next guy.  He’s been a super wonderful person in a many different ways.  I’ve learned so much about myself and my (many) imperfections with this man.  I think, I hope, we will always have a good friendship.  Then, there’s the beautiful ‘text’ guys… helping my Ego realize that how I see myself  is not how others  see me and to just have fun. Let go.  It’s Life, not brain surgery….

Ok, so I do try to interact…I winked at a guy on that stupid Match.com.  I’ve actually forced myself to wink at many, because I can’t say I tried unless I participate, right?  Then... one of these winks responded.  Aw, hell.  I’m not sure I’m willing to go as far as actually meeting someone for coffee (except that world photographer who lives in Luxembourg….I’d meet him), but I’m forcing myself to at least get $15 worth of winks out of the $60 I spent on this stupid, stupid idea.

Well, shit.  What, then, shall I do?  Stay in my room and focus on yoga, school work, blogging and take Mabi to the park every day?  What kind of a life is that?  Everyone  tells me “As soon as you quite looking for it, it’ll happen.”  Well, dammit!  That’s a psychological mind-fuck if I ever heard one.  I’m not thinking about it, I’m living it?  Somewhat “coincidentally”,  I read a quote from R. Schuller which goes as follows:  “If you listen to your fears, you will die never knowing what a great person you might have been.” 

 If I have learned anything, it is that my fear permeates most of my decisions and stops me from doing those very actions which help me grow so that I may become the person I want to be.  I don’t want to hurt any other people, and yet, I am afraid: afraid of getting hurt, afraid of making a mistake, afraid of being alone, perhaps afraid of finding happiness?   Afraid of that desperately uncomfortable feeling I get when….  Picture the scene:  Nevada City, a freakin’ activist film festival, so there are hundreds of gorgeous young men with that scruffy facial hair, long, tangled hair, just pure deliciousness from my point of view.  So there I am, shooting pictures, when the one man to approach me is the very rotund “Bob”, in his early 60s, with breath that could be improved with a Tic-Tac.  He has decided we are going to be dance partners, pulling me right in front of the stage and we begin swing dancing; he’s swirling me in my fishnet stockings and cowboy boots around (trust me, there were hippies & activists everywhere, the outfit worked).  I haven’t danced like that since Billy Bob’s in Ft. Worth 20 years ago.  Wow.  He kept pulling me so close to him, pressing me into him, swirling me around him and then dipping me.  <groan>  WHY???!!!    

Well, I’ll tell you why.  Because tonight, my question to the Universe was answered with somewhat of a chuckle:  Just stop. Stop wishing, stop longing, stop searching, stop,stop, stop! 

 It (he) will find you and hopefully it isn’t Bob, but if it is, there ya have it.  The Universe has always provided me what I need when I needed it, so I must quit thinking I know and instead do my footwork; my studies, my Chandra Namaskar and my Tribe. 

I’ll leave the rest of it alone.