August 9, 2014

It was a late last night, but as much as I had stayed away through her dying so that her friends and family could celebrate her, I wanted to be there for just a small piece as her Spirit sailed away to freedom.  It was difficult to sleep – my mind was flooded with many disjointed, unconnected thoughts and it was difficult to make sense of any of them.  I thought about my own death, which I have done often, yet this time, it was different and it took me quite some time before I could escape the unease and fall asleep.  I beat the alarm again…this time by 3 minutes (HOW do I DO this?!)  Couldn’t remember why I was getting up for a few moments, then I remembered the work at school, then I remembered Amber’s death.  

Dropped Ethan off at his campus and picked up Ivy before heading back to school. The initial plan had been that we would shoot another video, but I had a feeling that wouldn't take place.  At school, our assignment was to clear impacted dirt and bark from the lower school playground, get it into a trailer, help unload and repeat continuously until all the dirt was gone, then moving in three tremendous mountains of pine chips. There were three men (one on a jack hammer), about 10 kids and me.  I haven’t worked so hard physically in a few years (since working on the property with all the major landscaping L and I did).  It was wonderful, while simultaneously exhausting.  5 hours later, my feet and back hurt like crazy, but we did a good job.  I loaded up a car full of sweaty kids and we headed home where I showered and lay down for a while.

On that note, I was so damn proud of my kids and of Ivy.  They all worked their asses off:  Ivy developed a blister and Ethan and Maggie were sweating like a glass of ice water in the hot West Texas sun.  I’m grateful that my kids (and I include Ivy in this) know how to work and do so willingly.

After I rested, I looked up several recipes so I could make meals for the family of my next door neighbor.  I remember after my father died, people kept dropping off food and I was confused as to why (We had La Bodega 3 minutes away!), but eventually it made sense:  The last thing you want to do when you’ve suffered a loss is think about cooking.  I got the necessary ingredients and Mags, Ivy and I spent the next couple of hours preparing homemade spaghetti sauce (family recipe), green salad with home-made dressing, fruit salad, homemade garlic bread, a baked chicken dish, and homemade mac & cheese, plus breakfast bagels and cream cheese.  In a time when there isn’t a damn thing anyone can do to help them with their grief, the least I could do is help with a few nutritious meals.  I hate being helpless.

Ethan went over to his friends house for the night…Mags, Ivy and I delivered the meals and then Ivy’s dad came to pick her up.  I met him outside as he pulled up and let him know how very hard Ivy had worked today and that her injuries were not from me beating her (blisters &spaghetti sauce burn, which wasn’t too severe at all).  After they left, I talked to Joe for a bit (Amber’s dad).  He’s the one I conversed with a week or so ago regarding so many fascinating issues.  He said he could take me and  the kids out shooting one day….  That would be wonderful.  This family is such an amazing family and I’d like to stay in touch with them.  It has been a rough day, but a blessed day.  I’ve had a reality check and some healing (I realized how much I missed working with the K/1s at the kid’s school…it’s been almost 4 years) and I’ve been shown once again what amazing humans my children are.   Maggie and I went for frozen yogurt tonight….  We sat outside the shop as we ate, looking at the beautiful moon as we spoke quietly about Death and Life.  What a beautiful Life it is.

Picture: old dying cherry tree in front of my house.