April 19, 2015

I was so excited to be asleep/awake in my bed this morning.  I kept stretching out, feeling the sheets against my skin.  It was pure Bliss for me.  I knew the kids had planned to be at a friend’s birthday party by 10:30, but since Ethan wasn’t in the shower until 10, this didn’t happen.  I dropped them off…noticing the battery light was on again..and the blinkers (sorry, turn indicators) weren’t working either.  This sucked.  But that engine – strong sounding as ever.  

I had a lot to get done today – I wanted to finish up my big paper and get that in and I know how my brain often “explores other options,” so I was giving myself till 5, when I’d leave to get the kids.  I was also hoping to get the stereo installed today, but am beginning to realize that Lizzie is on island time….  I surprised myself and had the paper and a few other things down within a few hours, so I also began my Final Exam.  

I picked up the kids and showed Lizzie to a few people….  I  think this is the problem.  The exact same thing happened before her major issue (the tow which was due to no gasoline and has subsequently led to this), because on our way down to grab some sushi…she began sputtering again.  The blinkers not working are my red flags.    Mags called L on…o..ur…wa..y…dow.n…t..he…h.ill… to..m..eet..us…at..the ..mech…anic..s..but  on the Freeway she did fine.  He picked us up in the Durango, the automobile he had “gotten for me” and it was funny getting in and then seeing hia girlfriend's earrings in the cup-holder.  “This is weird,” I said, and he smiled..that glimmer in his eye, because he knew exactly what I was talking about.  

At home the boy and I were going to have Manwiches, but didn’t have any, so I went to the store to go grab some.  As Mags and I were making dinner, I couldn’t find the can opener, because these kids are always putting things in the wrong spot.  I though back to my own childhood, and that silverware holder with the deep red velvet on the bottom.  I unloaded dishes every day.  I knew exactly where everything went.  IS it that my parents were stricter with that sport of thing or did I just put more effort into doing that right?   I know my childhood was much more stable than my children’s has been.  Again, as I have said before, despite the “gentle” divorce, it was still a vicious knife in the security of their childhood.  Maggie had asked me Friday how old I was when my parents divorced.  “In my early thirties”, I said.  “Oh.  Why couldn’t you guys have waited until I was this age?  The age I am now?  I would have understood it better.”  She wouldn’t have, I know, but I still feel anguished at having caused such a disruption.

Tonight the boy hit it.  The anger at not having been allowed to go to his friend’s house yesterday finally boiled over and he couldn’t contain it anymore.  After not having followed instructions again and then lying about it, he let me know he didn’t like my behavior, either…that he could have gone to ----‘s house if I would have let him clean his room instead of making him do homework first.  “You have many choices…and I find that instead of homework or room cleaning when told, your choices involve spending your free time watching You Tube videos on BMX biking or the like,” I said.  Someday, the boy will realize that everything that happens to him is based on his choice.  And..he has temporarily lost his phone.

Pictures:  A little" rear-view" via Maggie on our way back to German Auto Werks; A red racer that Mags found after our Manwich adventure to the store; A  1 second condensed video (not quite sure how I managed that) with a silent playing of Foreigner's "Double Vision."  I'm pretty damn awesome with tech.