August 26, 2015

Death was in my head.  I felt it, but because I am Not That Mom, I put my life in the hands of black gold and hoped it would help me enough to make it through the morning before I could get home to sleep.  I dropped the kids off and raced home to shower, then headed to the DMV to get my driver’s record for tomorrow’s field trip.  Still working towards that, somehow.

DMV was a breeze.  I sat down and was called within a minute and a half.  I still haven’t located my driver’s license, which I lost a few days ago – here, in this house, I believe – so I brought my passport and $5.  As I was sitting there for Almost Two Minutes, I noticed on my calendar that we were having a staff meeting at work That Very Moment, so 4 minutes later, I was heading to my work place and enjoyed 20 minutes of my very first staff meeting.  My client appeared, so I left early to thera-pate <new word!>

Sometimes, I wonder what the hell I’m doing.  I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I’m in my professional field, but still, I’m such a baby with this.  So many kids with such difficult lives…not that I get the severe ones yet, at this stage in my infancy, but I see those who cut, those who have been where I once was.  Every scenario is different, but I recollect so easily that feeling of absolute hopelessness, of “I’ll have to live 4 more years like this” (because there was no way I’d survive past 21, right?) Praying every night with a pillow wet from my tears that I’d die before waking.  That isn’t a fun life, at all.  And here I am, on the other side now, able to reach out and try to help.  Group supervision, no-show, group.  And then, racing off to grab my kiddos after volleyball (Girl) and flag football (Boy).

The car was nice and warm…108, it said, and I didn’t even crack a window or turn on the air.  I sit, I feel, I AM.  I think back to my swimming days when the water would be super cold and I would just tell myself, “Be the water…”.  A bit of Bruce Lee-ism, I suppose…Be whatever your surroundings are and accept it, be ok with it.  Kids were ready and home we migrated..almost.  THREE THINGS:  I needed more cough drops, lemons and dog food (they had none) so in the parking lot of the store, I realized I couldn’t find my wallet.  Visions of Chipotle and me sticking my wallet in my bag came to me…and then throwing the bag in the trash can after said salad (with chicken) was finished.  My brain continued on, with the janitor dude listening to his headphones zee-bopping along and emptying my wallet (in the bag, in the trashcan) into his trash container, never the wiser and happy due ti listening to his jams.  Probably Deadmau5.

Home where I had to turn right around again because I forgot the damn dog food (they still didn’t have any) and I had these plans to make something for a Very Sweet Woman who will soon be Birthing a Child.  Oh man.  I miss pregnancy.  I miss bonding with my child as I nursed them.  I do not miss having to get up because those silly 7 month olds can’t make themselves oatmeal yet (that has to wait til they are 4).  I realized after I cooked dinner, I cannot make this now.  I am tired.  Let me just say that Jake is going to kill me.  No, I did not buy then eat that piece of white cake.

Pictures: A Day of Keys:  The Key to Life; Keys at DMV; The moment at work when I discovered this key was to La Bodega and was, in fact my Key to Life.  I subsequently learned the little rock house next to the commissary burned down today; A shot of Die Schlumpfe (in English), after Ethan secretly taped my (again) talking in a falsetto German voice to him about them as we watched a German clip.