February 3, 2015

This morning I felt like I had been drugged, I was so exhausted.  WHY?!?!  I haven’t really done  much of anything in a long time.   The kids had been told they will be on their own this morning, still,  I listened for appropriate noises so I knew they were both up.  Ethan, my night owl, gets up easily.  Maggie, my early-to-bed kid is tough to get up.   I kept hearing Ethan’s I’m-coughing-a-lung out sounds and was worried Maggie hadn’t survived through my light-fare “Mags, make sure you’re up,” but eventually her light cough rang through loud and clear.  Sick kids:  sometimes it’s a blessing <forms of identification>.

I dropped them off and went home.  I left another message at the doctor’s office and then heaven awaited me.  Getting in bed was  simple  and I slept easily for a few more hours, still feeling like I’d been slipped something in my nonexistent drink at the nonexistent club once I awoke.  

While in bed, I studied up the parenting class I will be co-facilitating with Jen.  The focus is on destructive adolescent behavior and tools for parents.   In one section,  it talks about the older,  strong-willed children get the words the  words "I love you" less and less.  This has made me think of the three weeks that I've been able to spend with Ethan. Despite many of the instances of difficulty we've had so far, these three weeks have been nothing short of glorious . Yesterday, after picking the kids up from school,  I let them know I needed to tell them something. I readjusted the rear-view mirror so I could see their faces, and I told him how much I loved them. I told him what an incredible pair of kids they were and how honored I was to be in their lives, that I had been thinking about them all day with love and affection in my heart.  They were waiting for the other part: "but you need to do your dishes" or  "but you need to clean your rooms more,"  yet I never said that...that wasn't my intent.  I needed to let them know how valuable they were to me and once they realized that, their faces were beaming.  It was a very special moment and it is possible that I shed a tear (or many).

I picked the kids up from school again and we headed to the home.  Ethan got right to his history homework and Mags did hers.  I rested my poor lady parts which are starting to hurt on the other side, making me wonder if it’s Lefty’s turn to rupture.  I have decided that after I drop the kids off at school tomorrow, I am driving to the doctor’s office, since 2 phone calls has done nothing, and I will see firsthand what is going on.  As much as I like my NP, it may be time to switch to a doctor’s office that calls back.  Although, to be fair, their billing department is great about calling back immediately.  <but then, who’s isn’t?>    I noticed, later, in checking Ethan’s homework, that he had done it on tiny 5” by 7” sheets torn out of a little notebook, instead of doing it in the workbook.  My only question is….WHY?!?!  He did it in the workbook this weekend, what makes today so different?  Is it just not connecting up there?  I do not understand this behavior.

Dinner was:  potatoes Maggie made, broccoli I made, and tri-tip Ethan made.  A family cooked meal.  It was pretty good, except I wasn’t feeling like meat tonight, so I cooked up the rest of the tator tots from last night.  We watched Nature on eels together and then showed Maggie the honey badger parts she had missed.  We’re a huge Stoffel  fan.  I am tired.  For another day of not much done, I’m exhausted and need to care for my girls parts.  Ok, that didn’t exactly come out sounding the way I’d intended…. 'Night.

Pictures:  Family hand-holding during Nature.  I'm the one with the smooth, unblemished skin, of course;  Socks 'n Books - Life with The Boy.

February 2, 2015

When alarms go off in the morning, I react like ice on a hot iron pan.  This morning, I awoke with two hours left before my alarm was set to go off and I was so grateful…only panic set in about the alarm and it took me some time to fall asleep.  When it did finally go off, I jumped ..far too quickly for someone who just experienced what I’ve experienced.  Kids up…kids and I, out.  Kids to school, me to school.  Home sweet insanity.  As much as I knew I needed to take things slowly, I couldn’t not stand up and do my job.  I can’t just sit behind a desk.  This may have been a mistake.

After work, I headed down as quickly as possible to get the kids and then right back to the dentists’ office for my cavity (which may be two cavities, but they are right their facing each other and are so small, it mostly counts as one).  I went in and sat..and sat..and… decided to reschedule my appointment.  A small crowd of just under 2,300 people sat in the waiting area, all eagerly awaiting their  cleanings or filling or x-rays and such.  I didn’t want to take away from their enjoyment when they heard me shrieking in pain, so I figured I‘d go next Monday. 

In front of the market I sat, making phone calls to my doctor (“the pain is really bad after one day back at work and I will be missing work again tomorrow.  Is there something I can do??  Something I should do?!?!”)  I phoned my CPS person back (“confidential”), and I remembered all the things I needed to do at home, but first I did the shopping for the week, because I don’t myself going to Winco anytime soon.  I got a taco kit, because I thought Ethan said he really like those.  It confused me greatly when he said this, but in good faith, I fulfilled my part of the deal.  I also bought Maggie her cheese tortellini, which she has some love for.  I don’t understand…the only good melted cheese is on a nacho, but I try to love all those who are different and she is such

Once at home, I made the tacos…it turns out Ethan was referring to the homemade tacos I would make, not these boxed Old El Paso kits, but hey, it’s Old El Paso!  Then, to satisfy my inexplicable all day craving, which I later discovered made perfect sense, I got tator tots, because it’s National Tator Tot day!  Ethan and I both understood the gravity in honoring a national day as he and I sat down to eat our tots whilst learning more about Nature, Ireland’s Wild River, the Shannon.  Maggie was in her room, doing her nails and didn’t care to join us, which is fine.  He’s in a rare form tonight, that boy.  His eyes are sparkling with mischief and despite having done homework and having spent the day in school, he seems happy and carefree.  It has been wonderful having him here with me, going on week three.  Earlier, he found a website for me which helps when moving to a different country, pointing out all the little forgotten steps.  I was wondering where my helper was, to help me navigate this tremendous thing I want to do – move across the ocean, find a job, find a home, get my kids into school..and maybe that person has been here the whole time.  Thanks, buddy.

Which brings me to my last post.  I heard something on Nature today which resonated with my Being.  We are so disconnected from Nature today….  We have air conditioned homes and cars in the summer, heated homes and cars in the winter.  We need not walk far, we need not even really exert ourselves much, depending on our jobs.  We are no longer connected with the cyclical pattern of the seasons.  We can buy the same food all year round - it is no longer seasonal eating.  Seasons are even losing their cycle.  Our years rush by faster and faster – even my children have mentioned this and I remember being their age – the year lasted forever!  Something has got to change, but I’m not sure that it will. 

Pictures: Annie needed to be close to Ethan during Nature;  the track at school; Annie crawled into Ethan's sweatshirt, and maneuvered into the arm sleeve:  she looked like a bicep;  Our celebration of Tator Tot day!!

February 1, 2015

My last day to “sleep in” – as if sleeping has been an issue.  I missed all of work last week, but am  heading back tomorrow.   It should be interesting, considering the most I’ve done was meet with my client Friday night – sitting on the floor and talking for an hour, and that wore me out.  I was up several times throughout the early morning, but got up around 8 thirtyish and…made my first morning pot of coffee.  I have missed this.

I let Ethan know that once his movie was over, to come on in and we’d get back to homework.  I read text, had him read text – we talked about the topic.  It is tough for him, having a whole week of work to do and having to divide it up himself.  I suggested I pass on my whiteboard and I will write down what he needs to do through the week.  I think having it all down will make it easier for him to distinguish.  He worked well.

My sister called on FaceTime and that precious little Ingrid was there, telling me about her “Little Baby Brudder.”  WHY do we live so far apart?!?!  We had a beautiful, nonsensical conversation and then, after farewells, Ingrid secretly made another phone call to me while Olivia went to give Abney to hubby so she could leave with Ingrid to go to the store.  This is what I love…already coaxing my niece to sneak things from my sister. Awww mannn…we’re gonna have the raddest relationship!

Ethan went outside to go ride his bike and film himself with my camera and I stayed in bed.  After a while, I called out the front door, then went out back to call over the fence (we have a sharp drop-off which overlooks the area Ethan was riding).  I don’t know if it’s my lack of doing anything for a week or what, but I tripped over my own damn feet.  Work will be quite interesting tomorrow.

Later, Ethan and I watched more Nature: Saving Otter 501 as Mags was dropped off.  She hadn’t eaten and I wanted to grab something at the store for Swerner, so we went to Raley’s quickly.  The dizzy factor was pretty.damn.awesome.   We finished watching the show, then Mags went her ways and Ethan took a shower with Annie, since he hadn’t given her a bath earlier.  I just smile and wave.

Picture:  A sneak phone call from this angelic one today.   She makes me proud.

January 31, 2015

Eyes opened, eyes closed; eyes opened, eyes closed.  This pattern repeated itself quite a few times.  Finally, upon the last “eyes opened” segment, I also heard some noises coming from the kitchen: dog barks and other, more human noises.  I saw my girl child standing by the stove and I noticed my boy child sitting by the Mac.  I went back into my room and saw a note: “…and I was wondering if I could go to Mikayla’s.”  I got back into bed, my abdomen hurting.  Minutes later the girl child presented me with an expertly- made omelet and black coffee in my  chipped blue Big Bend, Texas mug.  The breakfast was delicious.   I told her I couldn’t drive anywhere (I had taken 2 tramadol), but if other arrangements could be made, that was fine.  I discovered this morning that I had all sorts of little bug bites on my belly – not something you look forward to seeing.  Sheets were just washed yesterday, but I’ll keep an eye open.  Lordamighty - don't let it be tickliceflea things.

The deal between the boy and me was homework:  it would be caught up on this weekend.  I was feeling floozier than a blonde after a bleach bath, but we gathered up textbooks and necessary items and I began reading.  I think what does the most harm (in my opinion for my son) is the text isn’t read.  At least, I don’t think it is.  “Back in my day,” we would read the text out-loud in class.  Oddly enough, I still retain much of that information today – 25 (gag) years later.  My voice was weak,  it was not filled with the usual passion which consumes my read-alouds, but he listened and we discussed the text and additional aspects (ie, after reading the mangos were one of the exotic fruits eaten in the Middle East, I showed him a clip of SNL’s “Mango” character.  Ok, not smart, I know, but we really did discuss aspects of the spread of Islam, etc.  

After a few hours, I was so tired I needed a rest, napping for a bit.  I had told Ethan earlier to take out some meat and I would help him make a meatball, thus the lesson commenced.  I had entertained the idea of going to the international mart in Rancho Cordova (glad I didn’t) and later heading to Bed, Bath ‘n Beyond for spice shelves – also glad I didn’t do that.  We ate a delicious dinner and I did a fine job just sitting on the sofa and managed to watch a few things with Ethan and Maggie(until she left).   Initially we began with Nature’s Honey Badger series, and we fell in love with the tenacity of the creature.  Annie, of course, wouldn’t stop growling every time a hyena (or other creature which could kill her in seconds)  appeared ,except for the honey badger.  Apparently she isn’t intimidated by them.  I have shown this dog the tv screen and it’s 2 dimensions so many times, but to no avail, she barks every time.  She’s a few eggs short of a full dozen.

 After Honey Badger made his farewell, , Ethan discovered The Maze Runner, and after a bit of intense “figgerin’”, I managed to hook us up to Amazon Instant, and we watched that.  Then we watched 2 more Nature shows on Netflix, River of No Return, which brought to light just how much Ethan and I would love to backpack somewhere….  Things make it difficult, though (dogs, ability), still…maybe Kristo will teach us a few things.  Then we watched Siberia’s Tigers, with host, biologist Chris Morgan.  Ethan was sleeping, but I giggled nonstop at the prospect of sneaking in a box of Frosted Flakes  to Chris’s stationed cameras and his reactions.  Oh, I kill myself.  This is more tv than I have watched since the last time I did a Band of Brothers marathon.

We will finish up homework tomorrow.  It was nice spending a stress-free day with him.  Things are shifting in him, I think.  There are realizations being made.  There is nothing I value more than my relationship with my two children.  Maggie shows me all the light and goodness while Ethan shows me meaning and depth(and often they flip roles).  What did I do to deserve such humans in my life?

Pictures: Ethan grabbed my hand at the beginning of the Siberian Tiger Nature movie.  It warmed my heart; His face peeking out as we send Mags a shot that, yes!  we are doing homework; Makin' de meat-boll; My Hips posters did some shuffling and Les Claypool took a vacation.; Hunter Annie - warning any predators that she will growl them into fits of laughter.