August 11, 2014

● Up early, back to the grindstone for Work Day Three.  It is almost as if those lazy 8 weeks didn’t happen..there was no Grand Road Trip this summer which made me very sad.  I’m a little afraid of getting a “real job”, because that will take away our road trips.  These kids are already getting Too Big Too Fast.  Still, for now, I have those adorable kids who dress up like chefs and serve me surprise lunches.  All is good in my world.

● Busy schedule this year, and I’m outside c102 for most classes, which works well.  During ICT, the surprise thunderstorm took place, causing the school to briefly lose power and all the computers were shut off.  Thunder and lightening storms are a rarity here, yet such a nostalgic reminder of West Texas.  Sometimes, a lot of times, I miss my home (though I wonder if it isn’t more the time in my life that I miss).  It was an early collaboration day, which was a nice treat – class out at 1:20 so staff could meet.

● After racing to purchase Ethan a new pair of swim trunks because they are all at his dad’s house (he had a birthday party and was being picked up), I arrived home to see that what is so freely given (a clean house) is quickly taken away (NOT a clean house).  The list of chores needing to be done had been ignored until 5 minutes (or so) prior to my arrival.   <smh>  These ARE the same kids that were living in my house Friday, i promise.  I am, therefore, planning on keeping them indefinitely (mid-30s??), because even The Girl, who can usually think and accomplish is showing signs of deterioration lately and I’m quite concerned.  As for The Boy… For the second time,  Mabi, the dog who barks so shrilly that she attracts bats, which often fly around her, like piglets to the sow, was barking because Ethan’s friend (again, whom he was expecting) had knocked on the door.  Yet Ethan stayed in his room, no response at all.  This time I broke the process into steps for him, alerting him to the fact that “barking means someone is here: you are expecting your friend: therefore, your friend is here.” He appeared shocked and utterly confused.   Sigh.  I hope he gets it sooner rather than later.

● Shortly thereafter, L came to scoop up Mags and thus, once again, my tribe is gone.  A little piece of my heart leaves with them, every time.  I am trying to do homework and not think of food as I have completed day 1 (almost successfully, except for my split pea soup for lunch) of my juicing.  The clothes sitch is becoming dire and while I may look fine, I need to broaden my winter wardrobe possibilities.  It’s fine to walk around naked (in the house, of course) all summer long, but it isn’t as fun in the winter.

● Then I heard about Robin Williams.  I read about his battle with depression (I have long known about his addiction issues), which didn't surprise me.  As horrible as the circumstances are, I hope this creates a dialogue about the gravity of dual diagnosis issues such as those faced by Mr. Williams.  Please understand, I am not defending his actions, but with all the resources he had, his darkness was clearly unbearable for him to choose the road he did.  He had 2 sons and a daughter, a wife who loved him, as well as the adoration of millions, yet he couldn’t stand to live another moment.  I have experienced depression since I was 16.   I spent years in depression, attempted suicide, then spent years begging my god to take my life.  Add in alcoholsim and the suicide becomes a liquid one ("Liquid Suicide" is the name I picked for the book I never wrote).  I get it.  Sometimes, the only hope is death.  I am a lucky one, though, a Very Lucky One.  An hour before I heard of the tragic endings, I read a message from a friend, who was reaching out to me, because she is seeing death as a possible solution, and as HORRIBLE as this feeling is, I am SO grateful she is reaching out, because there is help.  Dialogues can lead to syntheses.  Getting through those terrible moments of darkness can lead to a beautiful light, but it takes reaching out: talking, calling, texting, or emailing someone.  LET SOMEBODY KNOW!!!  Rest your soul, Mr. Williams, and thank you for giving us laughter.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  1-800-273-8255

Picture:  Clouds seen from my backyard, reflecting the sunset.