September 22, 2014

The smell of rain put me to sleep and the smell of smoke woke me up.  My body was so ready for yoga that it decided it was time get up around 4:45.  I tried to ignore it, but it had a deal going with my brain, so my poor soul(which is very tired) was outnumbered 2:1.    Unfortunately, the DVD player was ignoring the TV (or vice versa) and I couldn’t get anything going but the incense.  I was a teensy bit angry.  Plus, the living room was still a mess.  Granted, there is no longer a 3 bedroom fort in my living area, but things weren’t put away, everything was 4 inches askew (which makes it tricky at night when I’m trying to walk through the house in darkness).  That’s it.   No more forts.*Later*  It turns out Ethan DID have everything hooked up correctly, but it was now on component 1 rather than component 2, but I was already in a shitty mood.  Told Magaliacious that if she wasn't ready by the time we needed to leave that it was on her, because I was going and would leave her at home.  Now, to be fair, though the kids are always putting on shoes, etc. at the last moment (it seems) when I am in a rush, 96% of the time I am the reason we leave later.  Just so we’re clear, I am fully aware of my part. ;)

The work day was not super.  It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t super.  Now I back on “waiting-to-get- bitched- at” mode again.  I am so thankful for last week’s talk: repeat “ I’m in the wrong job for my training, I’m in the wrong job for my training”  Got home to see I’d underpaid $22 and was now almost a hundred dollars over in fees, plus I dropped a $20 somewhere.  As for all the money this weekend – I guess I won’t be repaid and it was a truly donation to the firefighters.  I can write use it as a tax write-off, right?  Then I hear Ethan isn’t showing up for his tutoring like he is supposed to be doing….  This is getting bad very quickly.

A good point, however, is that my milkweed is seeding, so I took about 6 seeds and planted them in a pot, I also let a few sides float away on the breeze with their silky parachutes.  The rest I saved in an envelope and I would like to see about starting some milkweed from seed in the spring.  If things in my life are currently a bit fucked up,  at least I can do my part to help save monarch  butterfly.  Then it was time to break a mold and relax a little.  I did something else that hasn’t been done in a while: a man bought me dinner.  I was quite nervous, though I wasn’t (make sense?), because I knew there were no expectations from him, though I had several from my Self to content with.  I found that, as free as I speak my mind on my 5-a-Day, when it comes down to it and I am called out, I’m filled with that well-known friend, Fear.  I talk a good game, but use the excuse of <fill in the blank> to get out of following through.  To Dude:  It was quite lovely.  Thank you.

This evening, just before dinner, I received a text from my son, who was very angry that I shared information about tutoring with his father and wrote, “You know, sometimes I don’t want to live because of that.”  There it is.  Now, as a post-head-injury, dual diagnosis teenager (depression and alcoholism), I experienced about a decade of suicidal ideations.  I know them well…but never at 12 years of age.  This is the part of Ethan that I knew was there and I am glad he finally said something to me so that we can now try to do something.  That kid hates school, now he has to do even more with study hall/tutoring.  He doesn't grasp concepts and doesn't want to do something he doesn't see himself excelling in.  This isn’t pretty at all and I’m not quite sure how to work with him.  There have been issues since he was 18 months old.  Initially it was sensorial processing disorder.  Assessments are being done, however, and I will do anything I can do to help this kid and make school better for him. His dad and I have other ideas, but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

Pictures: Last year at this time, I was heading to/back from DustUp, which was a great weekend and I'm so glad I go to be a part of it.; a Copy of Spinelli's "StarGirl" which is such a kickass book.  I hope Ethan meets a StarGirl.  He sure could use one. <3