January 18, 2015

My world crumbled this morning.  During some regular maintenance I discovered that apparently, all of your hair can gray.  <well shit.  Can't dye THAT, now can I?> <so much for my “Why, I’m 35!” lie>

The morning spring cleaning was, as Alicia Keys would say,  on fiyah.  Shit which no longer holds importance or use went in the One-More-Garage-Sale-Even-Though-Said-I-Was-NEVER-Having-Another-One-Again pile and I accomplished a great deal – how could I not?  With CRB doing their work in the background, and my crooning along with Neal, I was motivated to GET THIS PLACE CLEARED.  I have no use for so much of this- much of it is emotional attachment, anyway (just wait until the last post – talk about emotional attachment!>

I met with my long lost Soul Sister for lunch....  It was so good catching up again, hearing about her and her daughters’ adventures and lives.  She brought her granddaughter, a sweet 9 month old baby whom I enjoyed engaging with and holding.  <sigh>  I do love the babies.  My IUD works very well, however, in that I do not have sex.   Geni and I share between us a very interesting span of our lives in which a spiritual need was <quite> temporarily filled.  My goodness.  What a place, what an experience, for lack of a better term.  There was…much later, a person that I became involved with in which I completely lost my heart.  Never before in my life had I experienced what I did with him.  It was not easy – there were many tears lost during the relationship, as it was a very…difficult relationship to be in, though we were both in love.  Outside forces <if you can call her that> made it  impossible to be together.  The ending was sudden, very final…orders had been given.  In looking back, I could not be happy with a man who is so beholden to the words of someone else, words which negate one’s love and happiness, but still.  My heart still swells when I think of those days. 

Home – CRB right back on again, and I started moving the back room.  This is good!  That can go, I don’t need this!  Items I have been holding on to for so long to use as reference in working at the Montessori school are going.  In fact, though I’ll obviously hold on to my binders, all the Montessori jobs and materials I have collected will be sold at the garage sale.  Clearly that isn’t going to happen for me at this time.  If I ever do go back to Montessori in my later years, I can always purchase more things, but it is time to close the doors I’ve left open for far too long.

I picked up my kids tonight, as we are going for a hike tomorrow.  We did some grocery shopping and then, on our way home, Ethan remembered a “hoodie” he wanted to get.  I also sent Maggie in for the Tupperware she’d brought over.  She couldn’t find it <sad face>  This is the Tupperware my mom had frozen a dinner in when Maggie was born. (!!)    I have had this for 11 years and was not a happy camper.  This became a lesson in Maggie using things which belong to others yet not caring for them (case in point), asking permission to use, et cetera.  When we got home, she stood by the door frame, tears falling and I mentioned it was ok, she needed to “It’s not that!”she cried, “ I just saw the place where you told us about Ryan and <breaks down in tears> I really wanted a little brother.”  My heart was saddened again….   Maggie would have been an INCREDIBLE big sister.  There were a lot of reappearances of sad points today, a lot, indeed.

 Pictures:  A historic hotel in my town; a metal door, bolted closed.  Quite symbolic with my placements of the picture...I'm deep like that.  ;)