January 25, 2015. Long, graphic at times and written on Norco-brain.

I awoke several times throughout the night in paralytic pain, only to escape back asleep again.  It's so much easier when it's a fever or a sore throat.  This...this could be so many different things.

She talked to him, told him she'd seen me and that I had asked her about him: "He smiled big and asked, "how is she???" ." There really are Romeo & Juliet scenarios in life, when love just isn't enough to win.  Breaks my heart, still, that after all these years, the circumstance & the influence of others deny us what we could have had.  Yes, I know....He seemingly didn't want it enough, and neither did I.

I went to an urgent care center.  The doctor said it looked like either ovarian cyst or whatever that body part is that starts with an 'a' is...I really cannot think properly right now.  They didn't have tests to run on me, so she sent me to ER.  After stopping off at home to put on a bra (which they told me to take off as soon as I hit to ER) and tried one of Maggie's delicious cupcakes ("to give me strength for the ER trip), I drove myself to Marshall hospital.  I'm glad.  I hurrrrtttt.

Lying in room 4, the pain is getting worse.  I have done more activity in these trips to Urgent Care and ER than anything last 2 days. It's hard ...I don't have my pillows to huddle my knees against to still the pain, I don't have my soft bed. and worst of all, I don't have any water.  After I gave C-section to Ethan, they denied my water for hoouurrss.  It was finally my friend who smuggled in a coke for me, per my request.  Where are you, Cathie Moore (she wasn't Batchelder til a four days later, and despite the pain of the C-section, I still had L drive me to her reception so I could get our, hobble over, and give her congratulatory hugs.  I'm beginning to see a not-responsive-to medical directions here).  I had a kind male nurse...he laughed at my words of "trying to bring sexy back" as I painfully attempted to direct the blankets and keep no-longer-very-damn-sacred parts covered.  There were tests after tests.  When they inserted my IV, blood shot out all over the place..apparently I have good blood.  They did an ultrasound, they did an internal ultrasound.  I had lubrication all over the damn place and was the one who guided the monitor inside as she didn't want to hurt me.  Then the doctor wanted to do a pelvic exam, which hurt like hell.  Despite a swollen right ovary, his exam led him to believe it could be Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, which is primarily caused via untreated sexually transmitted diseases.  Well, shit.  If that isn't the funniest thing I've ever heard, then I don't know what is  Almost as funny as my immaculate conception ectopic pregnancy.  I guess this could be my immaculate conception STD.  <sigh>  The last test scheduled was a CT scan.  Bill, the sweet young radiologist, wheeled in me and I met Phillips - the very large machine which looked like a half of a dryer.  They were inserting iodine into my IV and I was told I would taste metal, feel very hot, and have the sensation I would have to pee.  They didn't know that my secret trick  this whole evening was to stared at a fixated object and breathe....Ojjai Pranayama  So Hum.  I may not be practicing the positions, but boy those breaths saved me from a  lot of pain.  To be fair, so did memories of a Lamaze course I took for Brandon's birth.  I did taste a sweet taste of iodine for a brief second - I guess when you are denied water, everything is better, but I felt no heat, no pressure to pee.  The pain was so bad that I hadn't been able to tell I should pee until Gina, Ultrasound dominatrix, let me know I should.  The CT was nice - I felt very in tuned with it - I was in a drier, as I watched the machine do its work, I meditated.  Really.  It was cool.  After, Glen, the CT tech, saw I was shivering and wrapped me up in the sheets.  I made a shroud of Turin comment, knowing he was old enough to know what I was referring to.  It would have gone over Bill's head.  The wheeled me back to the room where I was told results would be ready in half an hour.  An hour later, still nothing, so I tried to get water (I had managed a few sips while no one was looking a few hours earlier), but I was attached to so many different things that it was impossible.  Huddling in the lower half of the gurney, entangled in sheets and wires I tried to sleep.

The doctor came in...it wasn't my appendix (APPENDIX!!  That's the word!), but it was difficult to determine what it was.  Free-flowing fluid pointed to a ruptured cyst on my right ovary, which was swollen (did I already write that?).  There is a cyst on my left ovary, 1.8 cm in diameter.  There is also something on my large intestine which is not a good thing, but at this point I was tired, in pain, after denying the pain meds so I could drive myself home and therefore details were not sticking.  He was going to  prescribe something that treated everything but also wasn't over-kill and he recommended probiotics.  He was also sending me home with a note for work so I could rest.  After a while (it was a busy night - 2 heart attacks, one woman who may or may not have been a). on meth b). giving birth c). on meth while giving birth or d), in an amazing amount of pain.), I was hooked up to an antibiotic drip which took bout half an hour and then...I was released.  It took me a good 15 minutes to make it to my car, because I had parked where the ER used to be, but it was a nice quite <slow> walk in teh dark.  Because of the late hour <I am so ashamed to say this> and my hunger, I drove my McDonald's for a small fry and a hamburger.  After the 3rd fry, I could do no more...after 2 bites of burger, I could do no more.  At home, the dogs knew something was up - there was no frantic "OHMYGAWDYOUFINALLYCAMEHOME" jumping.  They both sat and watched me as I came in, moaning like a near-dead person.  They sat by me as I honored the porcelain god and gave back the McDonald's food to the earth.  They sat in my room as I moaned, trying to undress and get into bed.  I needed somebody with me.  Tonight it was Mabi and Annie.  I have learned a little more about myself these two days.  I refuse to ask for help.  If it is regarding alcohol, I'm ok, because I know where my life goes, but tonight, I endured 8 hours of excruciating pain and refused pain meds just so I could drive myself home.  When John messaged me earlier with, "You need someone to tuck you in, kiss your forehead and turn out the light," it made me cry.  Sitting there on the gurney after 3 hours in ER (so far), I was in pain, crying my eyes out because of this simple message.  Going to excruciating pains to be independent, when I'm "not so independent", after all.


Pictures:  The Urgent Care, which cared, but was ill-equipped to do so urgently enough; My attempts to entice that sexy young EMT into the room; A macro of my "we'll miss you, have some liquid antibiotics as our farewell gift."