May 20, 2015

My bed is my heaven.  I think if I could go to work wearing my bed I’d be a hell of a lot happier.  Morning is much faster without kids here and you’d think I’d take the time to clean, but nope.  I had some Black Crowes on and was bee-bopping and singing around the kitchen.  

Hmmm…what can I say about the place I get paid?  To be fair, I am so fricking <this word is used as a substitute for “fucking” so I do not insult anyone> sensitive about every little action/reaction.  It is a cesspool of discomfort for me.  After years of being ignored/not looked at/shunned, I am now  taking it personally (??)  and am getting hurt feelings all over the place.  I must invoke don Miguel Ruiz and stop taking everything so damn personally.  It was somewhat of an interesting day – our runner fulfilled the reason behind the name “runner” and bolted.  I was looking all over campus, while my co-worker and another woman had actually found  the person..who then ran again – this time off campus.  Later I played Farkle with the student with Aspergers.  We have quite the interesting relationship.  I understand the aspects of Aspergers and did not changed a damn thing in how I relate to people:  It has taken a year,but this student can now pick up my sarcasm and responds appropriately.  Today I discussed the word “Specificity,” which is one of my favorite words.  This person responded that it isn’t as good as a different word, which would not be shared with me.  My begging /pleading/deal-making began.  After a period, the student replied the word would not ever be shared with me.  “Why not?” I asked.  “Because this (my begging) is fun.”  

Immediately after the bell rings, I headed home to grab my binder and off to my second job.  I did some paper work, had an intake with parents with whom I formed a good relationship. It is getting easier, slowly.  There isn't the same amount of trepidation as before.   It is with regret that I realize I will not be able to finish my hours by fall, which means….  <sigh>  I don’t know.  Cannot, will not go back.  Different room?  Place?  Do a few months of no job and just working on getting through my hours?  Not sure if there will be a job for me once I’m done with hours.  This is the tricky part, the time when I want a parent to tell me what the right move is.  I do know, that I am nothing special,  It took others about a year to get all the hours, why would I get it done in 6 months?  

 

Leaving work, I stopped by Safeway to grab chicken (Day 2 – meal 5 of Paleo!!) and on my way out, this ruggedly hot man says, “have a good evening” as I passed him.  Instantly I dropped my voice a few octaves for that deep, sexy (or did I simply sound congested?) voice,  responding, “you, too….”  Things are so bad in my zone that my pheromones have given up on attracting men….  I kid not at all.  It is to the point of outsourcing as friends in different states are working on setting me up with guys.  Truth be told, I’m not scared of a relationship, I just want to be attracted to the person.  Pretty simple.  I know it’ll work out…it always does.  Just don't wanna spill my heart all over someone.

Home for chicken and bell pepper…counting hours, getting things ready for tomorrow (financial advisor and a double personal therapy session).  Slowly, slowly, slowly.

 Pictures: Student paintings: This first painting is where I'd like to be, a still lake on a cool morning, with the brisk air stinging my cheeks as I row the boat; The pool.  I wanted to jump in.