June 22, 2015

I awoke early this morning, - 5:50.  In classic form, I took this as an opportunity to get started and write up a case study.  I crept in quietly to get coffee, trying not to wake dogs who sat, crated, on the other side of the wall, but I mentally I could see Mabi and her eyes...and then, I heard a tail.  Hmmm.  Mabi doesn't have a tail.  Then I thought of Annie, who does.  I read a bit, sipped some coffee and then, because I could, I lay back down again, with so much appreciation that it was summer.  I hugged the cool pillow, my thoughts grateful, because a pillow is so cool to the touch..it doesn't snore or jostle the bed, and I was content.

My thoughts  took a sharp dive south however, when, without reason or warning, my mind traveled back to when I was eight and a dark closet with a family friend.  He was a few years older than I and was, by all accounts, one of my dearest people.  Still...an eight year old, no matter how "mature" shouldn't be doing that  and suddenly my heart fell as my head put together the pieces - yes, after all these years -that I was a child who took part in sexual acts.  I can't use the word "victim" - it wasn't an adverse circumstance, but it was definitely something I experienced: the kissing, touching,  the groping.  I didn't experience any sexual feeling and thought it to be rather pointless and stupid but I remember thinking, "this is what grown-ups do," so I complied and looked forward to it.  It lasted many months...and when it ended,  it just..ended.   
 
This person had been a best friend to me - we played Star Wars together (we re-enacted the Han Solo/Princess Leia scene so many times). And that is what shocks me.  I was 8-9  years old.  I was in third grade, yet, I cannot lay any blame on anyone.  He was 3 years older, I believe, without a malicious bone in his body. I have thought about this all day long.  Were there any consequences?  Well, let's see:

After this - though I draw no correlation - I read my mother's Cosmopolitan magazines and knew far more about sex than I should have; I had no business knowing about G spots from a magazine whose demographic is women 18 years or older when I was 10. I read my mother's book "The Joy of Sex" as well as another ( I can't remember the name) book on sexuality. I  remember the drunk former-mayor of my dad's village trying to shove his tongue down my 11 year old mouth as my dad stood there, unknowingly watching and having an adult cousin creep me out big time when I was around 12.   I  lost my virginity at 15 - no regrets - and I was involved in a sexually violent relationship in my early 20s which involved a great deal of rape.   After that, I prayed for an impotent man to be in my life, and was..somehow..granted my wish.  It didn't matter to me that I was his 7th wife - the bottom line is I wouldn't have to give of myself - which was all I wanted.  Eventually, I met a man who could tell when I "went to that dark place" and would stop.  He was very sensitive to my needs, even when I ignored them.  Our marriage didn't last, either, though we remain good friends.

Sex and sexuality are very fluid:  It can happen without any concept of intent been attached to such young individuals. I'm a fairly intelligent woman and I put the pieces of this together this morning after thirty-something years. 
Did this affect my sex life?  I do not know.  There are so many variables and picking out one specific "reason" I turned out the way I did is impossible.  I have occasionally enjoyed sex very much and think there is a whole "world" attached to sexuality which I wish to explore one day - perhaps.

I am currently single and very celibate.  I have no interest in a "hook up" or one night stand because I still feel that sex can be very special and thus I wait.  It may never happen and that's ok, too.

 I am very open and honest with my kids about sex because I don't want them going to other sources for information the way I did. I have always spoken to them about sex, normalizing it while maintaining it's specialty as the act of love that I believe it to be.   Am I angry at that person?  Absolutely not!  As mentioned before, there was no ill will on his part.  But this is what happens when kids are left unsupervised..they explore - often each other.

This isn't how I planned my 5-a-Day, but Life happens and I don't shy away from experiences. And no - no case study was written.