September 8, 2015

I was up until about three.  My mind spinning and thinking about everything but sleep.  When the alarm screamed at me at 7:03, I groggily got out of bed and went right into the shower.  How I remembered that this was my planned itinerary, I have no idea.  Coffee and early mornings…I wish I could say I had missed them.  Kids to school and then back to my work people for my supervision.  Cough or no, I look forward to this time.  

I was able to give Heather the baby shower gifts…something for mama, something for baby girl, something for soon new big sister and of course, the Halls Birthing Book.  We (Susan and I ) even shared my initial desire to add a phrase after every Halls Per talk ™  (ie – “Elicit a few wows today!” “Buckle down and push through!”  “Seize the day!”)  and make it more about her labor by adding ”with your vagina!”…, but these people don’t know me that well yet and I didn’t want to freak them out.   Sitting with my glorious supervisor, I went through clients, folder by folder.  Slowly…the learning curve is less steep.  I love this work.  I love these people.   I sang to Pete, our lovely older British gent who works on the computers a snippet from Toy Dolls, “Spiders in the Dressing Room” <minus the moshing>,  I could sense my cough was on the way out.

Home for a nap, because being supervised wore me out and then…it was time to go to my client.  I headed to the Cameron park office and met with my sweet kid.  Tears.  I get it.  It’s so damn tough for kids today, yet then, the client wow’d me by sharing something I had suggested a few weeks ago with another student who was struggling.  My words were not only getting through, they were being repeated to other kids!  SECRET IMAGINARY HIGH FIVE TO SELF!!  After, I consulted with the therapist there who gave terrific suggestions.  I love this site.

Off to get my boy and oh, dear.  It was a rough day.  My Manchild is crumbling from within and I am becoming concerned…very concerned.  Spoke with Tatjana <3  I feel better knowing she is there, watching my boy.

After all was said and done (picked up Maggie, made dinner, ate dinner worked on homework with boy which led to…) …Ethan and I were in the living room.  His jaw was clenched, his eyes, filled with so much pain, staring straight ahead so as not to lose sight of his unending misery.  After 20 minutes of non-answered questions, I finally asked if he was depressed <no> do you feel hopeless? <silence> Do you feel worthless? And it was at this point that tears suddenly filled his eyes and began running down his cheeks.    He eventually said he was thinking that this was the beginning of the school year and remembering how terrible last year was….  His year: all those Fs and Ds...words from me, from his father…all beat him into a miserable mash of melancholy.  Granted, he didn’t do the work, he didn’t ask the questions, but when you are down in a hole, like he has been from the beginning of school when he was 3, where do you get the wherewithal to suddenly change your modus operandi?  The one shining light is that he suddenly thinks math is “easy” because he can understand it, which thrills me, but that is one bit, what about the rest, where last year suicidal ideation came into play?  No, I don’t think he will harm himself because he hates school, but I see the patterns of feeling less than dirt and the feelings of worthlessness continue to grow...this is what frightens me. I made a deal with him - an "experiment" of sorts, that he give it his "all" for one month, until October 8 and we will see what happens., if anything changes.  I hope he tried, that he didn't just agree because what else would he do?    Fingers crossed.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Camff0FRRXw

Image:  This is an image of depression I found on Google, created by Pauline Stockhausen.

A link to Toy Dolls "Spiders in the Dressing Room"