January 11, 2016

“The magicians keep disappearing..”  That’s what my Irish friend Grace wrote this morning, and my god, she is right.  Jason and I were discussing Bowie last night – that’s his favorite vocalist.  I thought I didn’t really know much of his music, but how wrong I was – listening to all the songs that were playing today – David Bowie’s voice was interwoven throughout my childhood and teens years like a tapestry.  Lemmy was my later teen years, but this guy has been there throughout my lifetime.  Thank you, David Jones, for a wonderful serenade.

Envelopes in hand, I headed to the Board of Behavioral Sciences to turn in my second set of official transcripts.  Turns out they also need Form B filled out by the school. In Irvine.  Are you freaking kidding me?  Dr. Weber was injured and therefore not at work (I emailed him), Robin emailed the Irvine office.  I left to do various errands in the area and headed back a few hours later.  Weber can’t do anything for me other than contact the folks down south and try to figure out what’s going on.  It was so close – I could have had my intern numbers and a 60 cent raise today, but no such luck.  

Winco trip to buy plant-food (vegetables) and canned foods and then home where I received two of the best pieces of mail ever – my Hipnic tickets and my trucker patch for the burn in the Marmot jacket I have. Now I need to put the Hipnic tickets in my safety deposit box and learn how to put on a patch.

I was told by a person today that I should not stop writing my posts about sexuality.  This is something I’ve been thinking about.  My thoughts are as such (subjective, I understand):  I believe there is too much shame, secrecy and sexism when it comes to sexuality, particularly women’s sexuality.  Everyone knows the women sleeping around = slut, males who sleep around are “just being a guy.”  I was told if a woman (namely me) talks about sex or goes into a sex shop she is seen as easy and not girlfriend material.  If I am easy, I am certainly missing out on a lot of sex and am a little sad about that, though the girlfriend part seems to be working out well since I’m also quite single – although the reciprocal “interested in him/him interested in me” hasn’t happened, either.

I went to Zumba tonight and almost died.  My inner thighs are still so damn sore that it brings back fond memories from long (long) ago activities that are not squats.  Gotta be grateful for the memories, right?  "We'll always have Paris...".

Pictures: My soon-to-be-patched Marmot: At the car wash; Brandman; Hipnic tickets; my new zumba/running shoes

January10, 2016

This morning I woke up down….  I dunno why, but filled with emptiness and sorrow, a lot of questions and yearnings.  Clare chatted with me on Facebook and cheered me up, then I did some yoga.  I’m going to make my room my yoga chamber – candles, incense, meditation area.  It’ll be good.

Kids and I started doing some “somewhat cleaning” around the house as I started watching YouTube videos on how to hook up my turntable/speakers/DVD player, etc.  Fancy little Scottish guy won me over with his accent (Neil something-or-other) and so I knew about inputs and outputs but really not much more than that.  < I really miss having an output for my input>  Ethan began plugging things in and 20 minutes later, everything didn’t work.   

Thus, I decided a hike was the best solution and I’d just listen to my iPhone more, at which point Jason Baldwin told me he’d drop by, since he was in Davis for his granddaughter’s cheer competition, anyway.  An hour later , he arrived and the connecting began.  First the  TV, then the DVD player, then Wii player, then the turntable.  Pretty soon, James Taylor crooned away, nice and crisp (after that switch was switched).  

 I’m not a big surround-sound person, but this – two speakers (plus the tv if we want) is PERFECT.  On his way out, Jason also noticed a huge antenna sitting on the house (which is pretty hard to miss) and tried to hook it up to the tv for free stations, but we didn’t know where  it was hooked up, so that’s for another day (I haven’t watched tv in years, anyway).

The Maggie and I made dinner…delicious zucchini, potatoes and pork chops with sauteed onion.  In honor of John Shutzke, we also made cranberry crunch, now that we have the condensed milk, then dined on that as we watched tv with our new speaker system, courtesy of Jason Baldwin.  I’m so sore throughout my body that I’ll take a hot Epsom salt bath.  My ass is numb.

Pictures: *Some* of Maggie's selfies - 22 in minutes; Professional help from JaSound Baldwin; Wisconsin cranberries

January 9, 2016

I slept well, deeply, for a long time.  It was daylight when I awoke and I hadn’t stirred at all throughout the night.  

Today, something needed to be done.  I had a box of items from my bedroom sitting patiently, and so, today, with the help of Missy Elliot, Lil Wayne, and 2Pac, I straightened out my room.  I’ll start doing my yoga there in the mornings – there’s enough room in there for a damn Zumba class.  I moved throughout the house, music changing genres as the rooms differed; the garage was hair bands, the kitchen was punk.

Yesterday, Maggie and I picked up a rose for Ethan.  Ethan has his first girlfriend for a little over a month and today, they went to a movie together.  Her mom and I spoke over this – and while I can’t speak for her, I didn’t want to  put my adult thoughts into a very innocent happening.  I did, however, give Ethan instructions on how to treat her, because this was her first such experience and would be the foundation for her, so he was to treat her with respect and in a very chivalrous manner – open doors for her, paying for movie tickets and any concessions.  I picked her up and dropped her off, after the movie.  I doubt they even touched each other, but they said they had a really good time, and then when Ethan gave her the rose after walking her to her door, well…that just made me smile.

While they were at the movies, I was at the gym.  As soon as I found out I had 60 days to get a new house, I stopped going.  I have added a bit in the last few months, not sure why, ohhh, wait:  cranberries.  I went in with determination, but couldn’t pull anything up on Spotify because it wasn’t connecting, despite having a wifi connection.  I have the worst luck with internet. That meant no heavy metal to motivate me.   I did 100 squats, but my knees are in bad shape – super weak.  I also did a little yoga and the MMA machine.  Had a pretty good workout…

 ..and then at home as we watched Supernatural I ate that Tom & Jerry’s ice cream I’ve had since we moved in.  I suck, sometimes.

Pictures: A prayer one of the inmates is Folsom Prison wrote out for me;  This is my little Lee Rebel that was on the homecoming mum that Trey gave me in high school.  It was time to throw him away.  Goodbye, little Rebel dude - thanks for the memories; Ethan on the yoga ball; Mags decorates Annie (in her sweater)

January 8, 2016

4:47 beats a 5:55 a.m. clock by a lot, but I really didn’t want Maggie & I to oversleep for her Quoia Café job again, like last time.  Had her to school by 7:15, had Ethan to school by 8:15, and I walked into Juvie at 8:30.  

I nailed out all my sessions – most kidsappreciated it, one not so much, but that’s to be expected.  There was also a lot – and I mean A LOT of screaming (not by me) to the point that my throat hurt.    I guess some folks don’t want to be there. As I sat in there, doing a lot of nothing at times (because I am locked in), I thought about when I was a kid.  I’d roam around and explore all over that West Texas land – places with scorpions, rattlesnakes, all sorts of nasty things and we kids did it alone.  I just think about how things have changed since my day.

THREE Hips shows - that's what I managed to get tickets for today -which made it a TERRIFIC day.  Race back to work – enter notes into the computer then grabbed the kids at school. The plan was to head straight to Ikea, but Mags was hungry and requested pot stickers, so we headed off to procure such.  Dropped Mags at home and Ethan and I headed to Ikea, where I was honored enough to see a Muslim man doing his daily prayers.  I’ve never seen that before and I loved watching him briefly, but I also didn’t want to impede so Ethan and I headed into that huge blue and yellow shoebox.  “A quick trip to Ikea” is about the dumbest thing I have ever thought.  After finally getting what we needed (thank god I asked the guys at the service desk), home…

…where we put together the bed – the three of us, a united team.  Mags and I headed off to the store to grab some bread and something else * and as we drove, she said something to me which floored me: “I hope I am as happy as you are when I grow up.”  She said this to a person who used to fervently wish for death every night of her life, who didn’t want to wake up.  Yet now, every day is an Adventure of Possibility for me.  I love what sobriety brings.  She also told me she put me down as the person she admired the most – a single mother, raising her kids, going to grad school to follow her dreams.  I am so honored that my daughter thinks this, but made sure to quickly tell her that without her dad and grandmother and a ton of other helpers, I couldn’t have done this – that no one does anything alone.

 

And then…we got to the store and headed to the flower department.  We bought a special something for Ethan (with his input) for a special occasion tomorrow.  I’ll fill you in on that one tomorrow. 

Pictures:  Settin' up the calendar; It's not chow mein, it's chow FUN; Beautiful skies; Setting up Ethan's bed, where everyone but him tests it out.

January 7, 2015

Mornings are fun times around here – especially with the help of drizzly skies.  STP continuing their play at the house  while Nirvana takes over in the car.  I believe Jason is coming by on Monday to hook up speakers.  Rawk.

Straight to Juvenile Hall after I drop the kids off where I got 2 assessments done and an individual session as well as getting to know some guards and reading up in veracious texts books.  I’m not really trusted yet, I feel, by staff or kids and that’s perfectly ok, I get it.  I’m new – no one knows me and both groups have their closed little community of sorts. 

 And then, I was honored to be able to watch a graduation ceremony which moved me more than my own did a few months ago.  This kid has experienced a hell I could never imagine and subsequently learned coping skills which resulted being incarcerated here.  Yet before, when I saw this individual at the school I worked at for the last few years, there was always a smile, despite what was going on under the surface.  I would never have guessed, imagining a picture-perfect home life.  That meme which passes through once a month or so about “everyone fighting a battle you know nothing about” is so damn true.  I wish I would have known back then when I was at the school so I could have offered support.

 

Every few months (or maybe it's only twice a year, the years are beginning to blur...) I think there is an interest in me by someone I have could easily develop an interest in.  This lasts a period of days and then explodes into Nothingness again when nothing happens from the other end.  It’s like my quarterly Love high (or lust, but at this point in my life they are one and the same, I think).  If only there was a vending machine….

Picked up Boy (Girl had gone home with a bad headache).  As soon as we got home, I threw a pot roast in and started dooing what I could to cook up dinner.  Girl chopped onions, Boy took care of carrots and we waited.  About a half an hour in, I thought a food truck, Culinerdy Cruizer, was coming up to Red Hawk Casino and I told the kids we’d go here, instead, and have the roast tomorrow, but it was actually Keith and Amy actually going to the casino for pleasure, so kids and I had pot roast tonight– which ended up tasting quite delicious. I love dinner-time with these kids.  It's special.  I wish I made meals more often and we sat down together like this.

 Pictures: A beautiful sky this evening (3 pics); Maggie's shot of Wicked Tree.  She said it looked like it had cotton candy coming out of it; My BBS hours...which I have not recorded since the end of October.  Yikes.