August 27, 2015

Awoke with potatoes for tonsils…this is not good.  Threw on a robe, managed to have trained my children sufficiently to where they could fend for themselves in school/fieldtrip prep, then I drove them there in my dad’s robe.  

I came home and went back to bed, where I didn’t wake until well past one in the afternoon.  When I awoke, my potato-tonsils had decreased to fingerling potato-tonsils, which is improvement but still not good.  I began my search for work in Switzerland.

I searched and searched and searched.  Surprise, surprise, I do not possess any knowledge in banking or IT (which is THE stuff to know in CH), but I figured, we created (I’m speaking as a Swiss citizen here, forgive me) and gave the world Jung, Piaget, Rorschach, Scherer…yet is there any “need” for therapists?  Apparently no.

Mabi wants to kill me.  She doesn’t understand potato-tonsils and wants to go herd cattle.  I feel tremendous guilt, but doesn’t she notice I’m not even eating?  ME -NOT EATING.  Big red flag.  Along with searching for work, I also checked into my passport status.  I saw an email from July 23 and panicked, thinking they had sent me information and it was now expired.  After an hour of maniacal searching and filling out and writing, I realized I had filled out an online passport link and this happened on the same day I sent off the material to the Swiss consulate.

So, I applied to a few places – one is the University of Zurich, I contacted my former school in Kilchberg about high school counselors, another place I sent an application to  is the United Nations and then to a Montessori preschool.  The head of the Montessori place responded and we communicated a few times.  I shall visit her school when I go in November.  In the big picture, working at a preschool might be just the place to begin and become accustomed to a new place.  I never know what the big picture is, but it has turned out right thus far.

Picture:  Universitat Zurich.

August 26, 2015

Death was in my head.  I felt it, but because I am Not That Mom, I put my life in the hands of black gold and hoped it would help me enough to make it through the morning before I could get home to sleep.  I dropped the kids off and raced home to shower, then headed to the DMV to get my driver’s record for tomorrow’s field trip.  Still working towards that, somehow.

DMV was a breeze.  I sat down and was called within a minute and a half.  I still haven’t located my driver’s license, which I lost a few days ago – here, in this house, I believe – so I brought my passport and $5.  As I was sitting there for Almost Two Minutes, I noticed on my calendar that we were having a staff meeting at work That Very Moment, so 4 minutes later, I was heading to my work place and enjoyed 20 minutes of my very first staff meeting.  My client appeared, so I left early to thera-pate <new word!>

Sometimes, I wonder what the hell I’m doing.  I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I’m in my professional field, but still, I’m such a baby with this.  So many kids with such difficult lives…not that I get the severe ones yet, at this stage in my infancy, but I see those who cut, those who have been where I once was.  Every scenario is different, but I recollect so easily that feeling of absolute hopelessness, of “I’ll have to live 4 more years like this” (because there was no way I’d survive past 21, right?) Praying every night with a pillow wet from my tears that I’d die before waking.  That isn’t a fun life, at all.  And here I am, on the other side now, able to reach out and try to help.  Group supervision, no-show, group.  And then, racing off to grab my kiddos after volleyball (Girl) and flag football (Boy).

The car was nice and warm…108, it said, and I didn’t even crack a window or turn on the air.  I sit, I feel, I AM.  I think back to my swimming days when the water would be super cold and I would just tell myself, “Be the water…”.  A bit of Bruce Lee-ism, I suppose…Be whatever your surroundings are and accept it, be ok with it.  Kids were ready and home we migrated..almost.  THREE THINGS:  I needed more cough drops, lemons and dog food (they had none) so in the parking lot of the store, I realized I couldn’t find my wallet.  Visions of Chipotle and me sticking my wallet in my bag came to me…and then throwing the bag in the trash can after said salad (with chicken) was finished.  My brain continued on, with the janitor dude listening to his headphones zee-bopping along and emptying my wallet (in the bag, in the trashcan) into his trash container, never the wiser and happy due ti listening to his jams.  Probably Deadmau5.

Home where I had to turn right around again because I forgot the damn dog food (they still didn’t have any) and I had these plans to make something for a Very Sweet Woman who will soon be Birthing a Child.  Oh man.  I miss pregnancy.  I miss bonding with my child as I nursed them.  I do not miss having to get up because those silly 7 month olds can’t make themselves oatmeal yet (that has to wait til they are 4).  I realized after I cooked dinner, I cannot make this now.  I am tired.  Let me just say that Jake is going to kill me.  No, I did not buy then eat that piece of white cake.

Pictures: A Day of Keys:  The Key to Life; Keys at DMV; The moment at work when I discovered this key was to La Bodega and was, in fact my Key to Life.  I subsequently learned the little rock house next to the commissary burned down today; A shot of Die Schlumpfe (in English), after Ethan secretly taped my (again) talking in a falsetto German voice to him about them as we watched a German clip.

August 25, 2015

Confession:  There is the distinct possibility that I tested  the chocolate cookies.  About 9 times.  It wasn’t all at once, rather one, here, another there, grab three, grab three more.  I hate myself sometimes.  As for Jake, he will surely divorce me <if he ever finds out, but I find an air of mystery to be healthy>.  I haven’t even been to the gym since last Thursday.

After I dropped the kids off, I dropped the box of cookies off at my brother-in-law’s gun store.  He came to the door as I was pulling away, so I stopped and went to give him a hug.  Seems Jonathon was helping tear down the wall inside so they could open it up and put a gun safe in that area.  Now Jeff will have to continue on his own.  Again, my heart is wrenched in pain, as I cannot fathom the pain.  I hope I will never have to.

Off to supervisor and business at hand.  I am centering my attention on trauma-focused therapy and narrative therapy, which is a manner of re-telling your story to help change your perception, of yourself, your life, etc.  This is something I have down with myself for almost as long as I can remember.  At times, I have this “habit” on looking at myself and my situations from a different point of view rather than just my own (if that makes sense).  I have long told myself that my life is my story and to experience many different things.  At points of my life, this was not always a safe thing, but when difficult situations arose, I was able to make the most out of it  - though not always immediately.  After a very excellent supervision, I headed in to write up progress notes and Do Stuff.    I may  have left certain items here and there amongst my people.  As I left, I sang to Kylee and Carrie a song of love, a song of sorrow at leaving… a song of…something that rhymed.  I was kinda badass.

Off to go pay bills, take care of necessary errands.  Eventually, it was time to get my driver’s record for the school field trip this weekend at the DMV, but the line was wayyy too long and I needed be at a meeting at the school at 5, so that couldn’t happen today.  Tomorrow, after I drop the kids off and before my 10 o’clock (which is rescheduled from Friday so I can go).  I pull up to school and get a call from the school, saying I don’t have enough insurance out on the cars.  Dial up the ol’ insurance lady and up that the necessary amount and…off to the campus.   The meeting was short, fast.  I sat next to a man who I did not recognize at all, but he knew me and commented that he hadn’t seen me in a while.  To my recollection, I had never seen him before, but surely, somewhere…I must have, because he knew me.  The tattoo looked vaguely familiar, but it clearly wasn’t Dave Grohl, so …?  No idea.

Headed home with my tribe after a quick stop to Big 5 to grab a tent and stuff for the kid’s sports.  Ethan & I got into argument already over his homework and a binder full of empty pages.  It is time to start reaching out to teachers and get the pattern set.  The attitude, though.  In his defense, flag football exhausts him and he has come home every day this week, all 2 of them, and almost fallen asleep.  Oh, man….

Pictures:  Tuesday water-day during the drought;  A potato baby for Jen; Speck und Bohnen, one of my favorite times was "Bohnen schallen" <snipping ends of green beans>.  I got to do that with a real knife when I was 4.

August 24, 2015

Of course, at 8:33 last night, I started to feel better and began cleaning the kitchen, emptying/loading  dishes.  I heard my mom’s voice and I saw little me, with white/blonde hair in my very favorite soft pink night gown, telling my mom I felt fine.  She told me I always perked up at night and here, 39 years later, I was doing the same thing.  Only I was naked.  Don’t judge.

When I awoke this morning, early, I knew I was supposed to get up, but my headthroat was even worse (as an aside, the hair on the back of my neck shrieks whenever people say “worst” when it should be “worse”, or “acrosst” or that other word that I forget).  I did not get up.  I put the dogs out.  I went back to bed.  I got up after a bit to shut off the ready-made coffee.  I went back to bed.  I let the dogs in.  I went back to bed.  I knew my client was at 3 at the other office, so I had some time.  A little, anyway. And went back to bed.

I slept til 10ish, but that stupid headthroat.  I immediately began with the stuff and threw Halls in my mouth like it was going out of style.  My first inspirational quote (known as “A pep talk in every drop”) was “Buckle down and go forth!”  Fuck you, Halls.  You don’t even know me.  At the correct time I showered, put on clothes begrudgingly and went to return things on my way to work.  Of course I brought the wrong receipt, so forget it.  Next time.  I headed to work and handed in my résumé – I’m not going to lie.  I’m nervous, but honestly at this point if I’m not hired here I’m not supposed to be here, so I will put my faith in Universe.  She knows where I belong.  Met my client at the other office, they were there when I arrived.  She is a sweetheart with some decks stacked against her.  But then, these offices aren’t where the happy ones come.

Stayed and spoke with Jenni afterwards.  This woman is all sorts of awesome and I am sad I didn’t know her better when I was at UM last year.  She amazes me and I am lucky to know her.  Headed to pick up my long, lanky kids.  Ethan is out there playing flag football, and I’m glad – he needs team sports to teach him a few things about being a part of.  Mags is nuts about volleyball, so she is right where she belongs.  I was crumbling by the moment and wanted to pick up food, but instead we headed to the store for a few things…then In ‘n Out on the way home, after all.  I have felt so poorly the last few days that the gym is nowhere on my scope, so I figure that goes for food, too, right?

 

Came home and watched and laughed so hard with Mags on some Office reruns and then made cookies for my poor family people who are missing their boy tonight.  I will drop them off at his shop after I drop the kids off at school.  I also caught sight of my COBRA form, due by the 31^st and decided to check out Covered California – our version of ObamaCare (if you must call it that).  Within 10 minutes I had the same insurance coverage I had through the school at a 200 dollar savings over Cobra.  Thanks, Obama! <smile>

Pics 'n flicks: " it's just a spring clean for the May Queen.  Yes, there are two paths you can go by,
but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you are on."  StH, Led Zeppelin.  Cheri Brown made me this lovely vase with a plant and fairy inside.; Thanks, Obama!; Cookie solace for a ever so brief a moment; Those guys...The Office rules.

August 23, 2015

Up..with the headthroat thing.  I made a vow to really really really  not do anything today.

So the first thing I did was watch The Art of Tidying Up on YouTube.  It was super hard not to get up and start cleaning an area, but I felt like hell.  I also spent about 3 hours on my résumé .  Formatting always gets me.

 

I sucked on lozenges all day – fake ones and herbalorganicveganfreetradewholesomewhatever lozenges from Whole Foods.  The Great Thing about the fake lozenges (Halls) is that they have inspirational quotes on each wrapper, like “Get back in the game!”  or “don’t give up on yourself.”  These are great if you’re feeling peppy, but right now they just make me want to nap.

I watched two episodes of It’s always Sunny in Philadelphia.  I wonder if new series are like habits and you need to do them 7 times (or whatever) before it becomes routine.  Right now I’m really missing Dwight & the gang, to the point where this lady standing near me last night looked remarkably like Rashida Jones (Karen), who is Quincy Jones’s daughter <Things You Might Not Have Known>.  Not feeling it for Sunny Philadelphia, either.

You may wonder why I sometimes capitalize words which are not proper nouns.  This is to signify their importance in the sentence. It is 7:28 now and I have literally done almost nothing all day.  I’m missing being in a relationship today.  That might also be an effect of last night’s show.  Soon, I will not go to any more Hips shows.  I’ll see how that changes my attitude.

Pictures: Mags and I texting abput her personalized volleyball shirt; Resuming the résum; Busted Annie eating the toy.