September 7, 2014

T

he day started nicely, waking up after a mere 4.5 hours, but my stress level quickly escalated.  The house is a disaster, there is so much that must be done, and then…I discovered a check stub from working in LA when I was a long-term substitute: it was double what I am making now, almost 3 academic degrees later.  Someone commented once to me that I was independently wealthy, because of the restaurants.  Are you kidding me?  Oh, my god, no!  I struggle.  Granted, it is a “comfortable struggle”, but I live paycheck to paycheck.  I have to watch my pennies and the kids are well-versed in “we can’t afford that”.  I started crying this morning.  I feel like I work my ass off, I do all I can do to provide my kids with what I can, and it still isn’t enough.  I see these posts from friends on exotic trips, with fancy gear, in private airplanes, and I can’t afford a fucking road trip to Texas.  People say “keep going…you’ll get there.”  Really?  I made more as a substitute.  Throw on to that my ability to have crushes on Impossible Boys ( those who have no interest) and my shoot-self-in-foot skills continue indefinitely.  Yet…after I get over the self-pity (which is flaring today), I am grateful.  I have a home, I have food, I have transportation, a job and some rad kids.  In about a month, I shall celebrate 10 years sober.  Trudging the road to happy destiny, indeed.

W

orked on homework and kept hitting road blocks.  I’d leave my room, only to find more mess, and threw a major guilt trip on the kids…asking why after our great day yesterday and me giving them $20 each (which is the second time ever in their lives), are they doing this?  Part of the deal was that they would help out.  I was in tears, again.  The accumulation of so much for so long was hitting the boiling point, though I can’t yell and do the stuff my mom did.  What does that accomplish?  Instilling fear (I still become fearful in times of conflict).  I understand, she learned how to parent under the harshest of conditions (as a Verding Kind, which was child slavery in Switzerland) and I bear no grudges at all, because really, my life was pretty damn great.  Wow…what a tangent.  All this from a homework post.

W

e went outside to rake up leaves, water the area and prepare for Ethan’s exhibit (firecrackers from China Town).  I started to rake leaves and immediately got a huge splinter stabbed into my hand.  I couldn’t get it all out, so now I have pain when I fold my hand.  Then I accidently kicked the sprinkler full on with my toe, I got black sludge mud all over me (after I showered) when I cleaned out the pond….The day has simply been a never-ending succession of wtf’s.  Even my kids have been amazed with this black cloud hovering over me today and have responded by following directions immediately (Ethan – who is usually a four-timer) or simply asking “is there anything I can help you with?” (Maggie).   Maggie tried cheering me up by asking if we could make cupcakes for her birthday next week (we would freeze them), but…naturally..though the batter was SOOOO good, the cupcakes turned out rock hard, <bang head against oven door> Both kids needed shoes for P.E./volleyball, so we hit the local BOGO sale.  The bill?  Over $120.  I caught my breath, but realized, of course that’s how much it is…and walked away after thanking her with a glazed look in my eye.  

T

here were some good points today..though hidden amongst the black clouds of anguished torment… I was told by a friend who is now an expat (!!) that the school her kids attend is hiring a lot of expats.  I am going to look into it.  Though Malaysia isn’t my final goal, a year or two there might be just the thing I need. My fortune last night said something about unexpected surprises.  I have long since stopped expecting the Prince Charming thing, so maybe it’s time to expect the kingdom he lives in.  <wink>  I also had fun hearing Ethan and Mags with their music.  Ethan listened to Riff Raff – and though explicit, it’s much lighter than the halls at Union Mine. Maggie listened to the same 4 artists again and again, then in the car, I heard them again.  And again.  And….again.  Sigh.  This can’t be karma because my mom flat out refused to listen to Whitesnake or Def Leppard.  Ethan’s quote of the day made me think of Tres Bender:  While pumping the gallon of milk, body builder style, he passed Mags and said, “You lift, Bro?”    We ate dinner, then watched Doctor Who together, courtesy of Sean.    My Whovians are ever so grateful.

I

t has been one hell of a day, that’s for sure.  It seemed everything that could go wrong, did.  I spilled kefir water everywhere, things where dropped, stabbed, pocked and prodded.  Toes where stubbed, arms where hit, legs were banged.  I can’t believe I dared to go out in a car today.  I did take the time though, to have a teachable moment with my kids and let them know that no matter HOW bad your day is, trying to “escape” with drinking or drugs makes it worse.  Of course I did.  It’s my job as a naggy mom who at least managed to shower and wash my hair without getting soap in my eye, then slipping.  

Pictures:  Pleiades as drawn by an Aborigine.  This is a very unique painting as it includes human faces rather than only geometric designs; The fridge as seen by us today; My EmpowerMints I bought yesterday in China Town. They were broken today <sad face> and  if you look closely, you see the splinter gash in the crease of my hand;   The rock hard cupcakes I am selling as doorstops;  My solution: Matzo Ball soup.  I will make this tomorrow and expect my life to turn around immediately.