October 23, 2014

This morning, as I was out with my group, walking before group actually started, I got the distinct feeling that something was going to happen today – bad, good, I wasn’t sure, but I knew something was different and it was happening today. 

Fast forward to 3^rd block and this student, this child who has experienced such extreme PTSD from his home life that adults are unsure of how to help him opened up to me…he put everything on the line and trusted me by sharing.  Wow.  Humbling, indeed.

Fast forward to 4^th block – there’s an eclipse today???!!!  Stars and satellites aligning.  After work, I hustled home, anxious to get to school.  Bailey and I needed to finish up the presentation aspect of our project.   Once there, the cupcakes where quite the hit.  It seems my vagina skills are getting better and better and I’ve never been complimented as much on my vag as tonight – told they were beautiful and delicious.  I have about 10 left and put them in the freezer….<chicken, frozen fruit, butter, vagina cupcakes>.  Sadly, right before class, I got a text from L:  Call your son, he needs to talk to you.  He hates me and thinks I hate him.  Shit.  Here we go….

I called and I have NEVER heard Ethan like this before.  He was crying so hard it was difficult for him to catch his breath…  He got into some trouble in school for something he had no part in, but he responded in a way which seen as disrespectful.  Larry & I raised our children differently.., but Ethan is in a point in his life where I feel he is on very shaky ground.  He hates school, he feels stupid, it is a bad scenario for him.  Then dad responded in the way he responds and Ethan broke (at least for me).   I didn’t know what to do – I’m in Roseville, 5 minutes before my final class and here is my Soul Child, gasping in between many unintelligible words about how he wants to come live with me  and he never wants to see dad again because dad just watches tv (I know this not to be true…at least it wasn’t 6 years ago) and that daddy just yells and he doesn’t try to find a solution like I do and, and and…all sorts of other things….  Now, I know kids.  Kids say things to get what they want, but I also know there was some truth in those statements.  Ethan has been telling me for years how daddy never does something special with just them and how much this bothers Ethan (while I’m on the other side of the extreme and live for adventures with my kids).  Ethan is at that point in his young male life where time with his father is so very important and it makes me sad that I cannot give Ethan what he needs so desperately in his life right now, a strong, supportive male figure.  L is a GREAT man and a good dad.  I just wish…  I’m scared for my son…he is a beautiful soul who has been trapped in an angst-ridden teenage body since he was a toddler, unwilling or unable to fit into the molds education says he must fit into “if” he is to be successful.  Tonight, I learned something very saddening to me about one of his pre-school, and while I’ve been questioning my decision to put him into Montessori  for quite a few years, now I wonder if I’ll be the reason he isn’t successful.  Learned of a different charter school in Camino that I think I will check out…it may be the answer.

I’ve been feeling empty for a while now…just empty and blah and very UN.  I don't always feel terrific and fantastic about life.  Right now, I'm scared shitless about my son and am wondering what else can I do to help him?  <sigh>  So...with these amazing *real* kids (no angels here), as we were walking back from Lake Sylvia last Saturday, they started discussing my life when they are gone (Ethan is thinking around 21, Maggie said longer, but that won't happen at all) and who will I adventure with.  I adventure just fine by myself, dearies…<at this point I thought I found a tick on Annie and I almost had to find her a new home, but it’s ok, she just needs a bath>   Lately every time I want start moaning about being lonely my friend(s) start talking about their husbands of 10, 20, 26+ years and I am blissfully reminded how good I’ve got it.  I am responsible only to my children..and dogs..and self…and tarantula..ok, so I am responsible to many things, but the GREAT thing is I LOVE being alone!  I sing, I dance, I walk around naked (FedEx man showed up today while I was loudly singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” a capella..  SOOO glad I had clothes on!!)  And so…my empty feeling..well, I just talked myself out of it, because I have a weekend festival 5 minutes from my house tomorrow with some of my favorite people <alas, My Mother Hips are in another former home of mine, Denton, TX tonight> and when I was married, I NEVER did stuff.  My life rocks.  It has it's bumps, but they add *sparkle*...<smile>

Pictures:  This mornings track; a 'heart' tree;  I'm so damn cool, I had the flash drive for tonight's project clipped to me all.day.long; A special package from Tim!!!  I LOVE getting packages in the mail!!!!  <3  Remind me to tell you guys about when I was 5b and I'd sneak out the window, walk through the garden,  climb the 6 foot high block wall around our house, cross the street and go check the mail at 7:30 at night in case I had a letter (I never did, but boy...I loved checking!!).  I guess I just told you.