Novermber 2, 2014

I knew my body would be hurting because stress (my back keeps close count on my mental state) but to throw in everything I did yesterday...ohhhh man.  I was confused as to the time... Did we spring back or fall forward (and yes, I'm aware as to the real phrase). I had odd dreams, which didn't help the scenario.

At some point today, L was going to help with the dump run.  While we waited, I tried to get started on homework and managed to get a bit accomplished.  He texted the time he'd be here, so I returned the carpet shampooer to have that accomplished. On the way to the dump  (after quite probably exposing myself to tetanus as I scraped my knee), he talked about  his work as I listened.  On the way back, he takes about his relationship, as I listened.  Mind you, I asked probing questions on both topics...L is not someone who opens up without prodding.

Once he left, I pressed Ethan in working on his make-up work and it all began.  When I asked if he thought ahead and what his plans for life were, he let me know he'd be homeless, get beer, and commit suicide.  He is 12.  I did not show reaction to his words, rather I continued the conversation... He said it's not school, not teachers, not friends....  After we parted, I called his health care provider and spoke, in tears, to the nurse.  I'm calling psychiatry tomorrow.  What has happened in such a short amount of time that he is at this point?

After some alone time, I rounded them up and took them to Que Viva for dinner.  It didn't fill the spot.  After, we played poker together.  There were some smiles and some laughter, but I'm emotionally exhausted.  It's been a hell of a weekend.  Grateful it's dark early.


And so now, I'm going to bed early.  Honestly, I feel my heart has been torn apart this weekend.  People comment on how "together" I am, etc., and yet here I am, alone and afraid.  My life is beyond belief many times, true, but then there are times like this.  I know what to do, I realize he doesn't have the means or a plan, but it is still frightening to hear your child speak of that.  Fortunately I was in a similar state of mind myself at a very low point in my life, so I'm not overly shocked when I hear him say that.

Picture: My poker winnings