February 16, 2015

 I slept so poorly last night – waking every couple of hours or so.  I’m not sure if my body was freaked out with the 4-day weekend and just ready to get back to work or if I was excited about Ethan’s birthday present.  A text from Maggie semi-woke me, asking about a friend who had expressed suicidal thoughts.  I know the girl she was asking about and immediately woke up completely.  Suicidal thoughts aren’t a joke, and I was obviously concerned, but found out later that the appropriate steps had been taken and adults had been notified.  Maggie wanted to get her a gift to let her know she was thinking about her.

I got ready, ate, put the bikes on the car and wrapped Ethan’s gift.  Then I drove over to pick up the kids.  Ethan had gotten a haircut – those long locks were gone and he looked…different with an almost bowl-type cut covering his ears.  I want to bash a  wall with my head every time.  His EARS are FINE!  Why, oh why did those words from that girl make him think he has big ears.  <sigh>  We headed over to the bike shop to grab a helmet for Ethan and..there is was..a cruiser bike for HALF the cost I had seen it at the other bike shop we visit.  I can’t!  But I have to !  My back is so much better with these bikes!  I sit straight up!  But I can’t…!  But your back <this is me talking to myself>  But I…OK!  I got the bike.  It is without gears – there is NO WAY I was spending 4 times as much on a hybrid cruiser with gears.  At this bike shop, Team Cycle in Cameron Park, Maggie was given instructions on how to correctly shift gears on my Trek, Ethan was help with his stuff – I was really impressed with the husband and wife who owned it. 

We headed off to Folsom for our biking adventure.  My co-facilitator from week one of group had told me about how many bike trails Folsom has, so instead of us driving all the way to Davis, I did the short drive.  There was a bridge I had wanted to cross, but other than that, the kids and I were just riding around.  I wasn’t too crazy about the busy streets we were on – I feel better in Davis, but another time I’ll take the kids along Lake Natomas – near Folsom Prison.  It’s a beautiful ride.    After, we went to the Purple Place – another friend had recommended their breakfasts to me (though it was too late for that) – saying her kids request Purple Place all the time.  I could see why – the service was impeccable – the food was delicious.  I told our waiter we will certainly be back.

Once at home, Maggie and I trimmed Mabi's dew nail (Maggie was slice up, too), then Ethan and Maggie went to go ride bikes once we unloaded them, (gracefully punching myself in the nose with the heaviest one because I rock), and I watered my new garden.  Maggie (whom I had told about the gift) was DYING and really wanted him to get it before he went bike riding around the house, but I wanted to wait, because I knew it would take time to figure out how to use it.  As they were coming back, Tricia was over to pick up some mail. She had lived here before me and now and then, I get mail.  She and her fiance had just set a wedding date, after being together 11 years, and so I had to ask… Was it her wanting to wait, or…?  She told me their love story – and it is such a beautiful one, it gives me hope.  I find that <as you all know>  I miss relationships, but I am TERRIFIED to lose the me I have found.  I do NOT want to become that “wife” or girlfriend who feels she must do certain things to be that wife (or girlfriend).  I love being able to hang out with my kids or be alone, though..to be fair, I DID realize yesterday after seeing a picture of someone I know and her friends – I don’t do that..I don’t “hang out” with friends, really.  That may not be too healthy.  Hmmmm.  I’ve been busy with school though, so maybe that will change once it draws to a close.  Ok, enough thinking.  On to the next topic.

So Maggie and I are sitting in the living room “watching” The Office (of course) when I call Ethan’s new phone.  And again.  And again.  “Mom!  Your phone is ringing!!”  “It’s not mine – mine is here!”   I kept calling.  7 time I called before I hear a smile say, “Hello?”  And he got it.  He was very confused as to the early birthday present, but I told him I didn’t want it to sit for another 3 weeks before his birthday.  He was  very thankful, then a little frustrated because it’s a Nokia and he doesn’t know how to operate it, but thank god for  videos on the Mac – so he is figuring it out.  Maggie wrapped a sweet little basket of things for her friend…I love that she is there for her friend, offering support.  I am heartbroken that a 10 year old is having suicidal thoughts, but I did, too.  It’s much more common than we think.  It is important to listen, to alert the right people (which did happen) and to provide support.  Life is shitty, sometimes, even for ten year olds.  

Pictures:  The car loaded down; Our biking gang; Ethan's phone.