April 12, 2015

Feels like my back is crushed together like an accordion.  It was pain that woke me at 6-something on a Sunday morning and that SUCKS.  Seriously.  HOW will I do this when I’m old(er)?  So up early, for another unsatisfying morning of coffee….Maybe I’m making them too strong?  No idea.  I just hope next weekend’s is better as I hope to have a fully-functioning bus and hopefully enough homework completed to have some Great Adventures!

Right to homework…by ten a.m. my paper had been rewritten and I was on to the next one (it’s actually a combination of 5 smaller papers into one).  I have to be honest, though…my focus level is not high at all.  Knowing that there isn’t much more to do in terms of school work is a horrible piece of knowledge to have.  It means I’m slacking.  I managed in all to get three of the 5 parts/papers written today, which leaves the final test and the remaining two parts.

In this homework frenzy (do I dare call it frenzy??) I chatted with a couple of people – one from my hometown who lived in Puerto Rico and describe parts of it to  me, so that may be our summer destination.  Another is a music sister and we chatted a bit about the summer and hoping to see one another.  I also learned that my man-crush-musician isn’t married (!!) which, in reality, doesn’t change a damn thing, but still…

Not that it is anyone’s desire to know this, but I think I shall indulge in a bubble bath tonight and may even go so far as to shave my legs.  I went a little out there today with eating Snickers, but I had a need and they say it really satisfies.  Not necessarily true.  I went out for a walk with the pups and found that tube tops may not be the articles of choice at this point in my life.  I lot of realities are hitting me lately and one of them is that I am not very perky anymore.  Please don’t worry, I had a t-shirt on OVER the tube top.  Thank god..'cause it slipped.

I got home and was soon surprised by my son and L, who were dropping off boxes.  My need to purge items just increased. On a much more serious and personal note,

 I know that he still loves me, just as I will always love him, but on a different level.

I have learned much about myself in these past 6 years of being solo.  I have learned that despite the great relationship we continue to have as co-parents, I am not willing to be his partner again.  In fact, if I am ever to be anyone’s partner in life again, it will be that – partner.  I am not a housekeeper, I am not a cook.  I am someone who can take care of myself quite nicely, I have learned, and I don’t want to spend my time having to play a role when I get little in return.  A card here and there doesn’t cut it.  I love deep, intelligent conversation, I love music, and I love adventures…I’m not expecting all of these, by any means, but….  And I leave it there.

 Pictures: One of Ethan's Birthday cards.  I absolutely adore these!!  I also found my three year sobriety chip(so that's where it is), all wrapped up and taped with a dried flower with  his name written on it.  He was about 3 when he did this; I'm sorry to have to witness such horror: my study food today<shame face>;  My favorite store; Training the girls and hangin' out, bein' cool.