July 19, 2015

It was just another of those days…lost deep in thought while the other half of me wanted to get so much accomplished.  I began by changing my breakfast – a kefir shake.  Thank god that didn’t require much, mentally.  Where do I begin?  Do I start re-doing the whole house?  Throw away?  Yes?  Finish unpacking?Ok!  Toiletries put away.  Cleaning is difficult for me - I'm doing 7 things at once.   <Hey!! Start the music!  You always get more accomplished when you are working to music.>  I started talking to a friend about meeting with a chiropractor she’s friends with in the Bay Area – the conversation changed to healthier eating habits, etc.  Off and on in the conversation, I’d get another thing put away.  It seems that is the direction my life is in – a little at a time. 

Finally got music on – and was quickly in tears.  Foo Fighters – that song.  Those songs!!  This is the only band where I become one of those crying female audience members like in the old Beatles videos.  Music has a way of communicating with souls. 

Finally – I got moving and started working on transplanting the established jasmine plant from the back to the front yard.  Initially I thought I had made a mistake, but persistence paid off and I have beautiful shade inform of my door now.  But..my mala beads broke.  For 5-6 years they have been on my wrist and now they are gone.  I ordered another pair, but…  Universe is telling me something.   My next plan was to hang the chair hammock I bought in Costa Rica, but on second thought – the dogs need to get out of the house, so I brought them to the old house so I could dig for the divorce papers.

Which is where I fell into another emotional pit: a happy one, but a heart-tugger, fer sure.  The house is empty now, so I went by…and relived so many happy years, all packed away in boxes with mouse nests and eaten-away love notes.  L and I certainly poured our heart and souls into this place – making the landscape look so nice.  We raised beautiful babies here and had a good life, yet things change and people grow, sometimes apart.  I am glad that we are still on good terms with one another.

And so I came home – with no divorce papers, but missing yearbooks, journals from high school, cassette tapes (mixes included) and a heart that was heavy, not because of L or because of the Foo Fighter’s song, but because I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do.    Do I want to go to Europe?  YES!  But why?  Do I think that everything will be answered?  That my life will suddenly make sense?  Am I trying to recapture something?  I have no idea.  I do know that there are many adventures to be had there…anywhere, in fact.  I want my kids to experience something different.  I have wanted to live there since I moved back from there.  Next indicated thing, right?  So I will continue to do the footwork and will see where I end up.  I will say that… I am missing having someone to bounce things off of.  Poor Gio from high school…I sent him a note pouring my heart out.  I randomly pick people.  Don’t laugh, you might be next.

Pictures from ago:  Me 18 years ago, and the house today, but still back then (it looked a helluva lot better, though.  So much for tenants)