July 23, 2015

Coffee is the greatest thing ever.  I am fully enjoying our renewed relationship and feel devastated that I threw away two-possible-coffee-drinking days as if they were trash.  Still, we all make mistakes.

I got busy fairly soonly (new word!) in gathering everything and filling out additional forms for Switzerland.  I hoped and crossed my fingers that there would be enough documentation for the Swiss government.  I also wrote a brief note explain the lack of certain documents.  If they do require more, at least I have turned the others in and shan’t be so pressed for time.  Headed off to the post office once the stack was enveloped and sent it off!

My next task was the gym.  I am bound and somewhat-determined to get off my ass and back into the shape I was in three years ago.  I also hope that “somewhat” aspect disappears soon enough.  I will be “assessed” by Jake tomorrow at noon, then the program (I believe) begins.  I have a few coaching sessions and a pen shall be put to paper, as well as ways of  helping me out with the nuts and bolts (ie nachos).  

Headed back home and took the dogs on a walk after getting some work- reading done and getting some notes written up for supervision.  They (the dogs) appreciated it.  I felt somewhat sassier in my shorts and workout shirt, thinking, Ha-HA!  "Check this <points at body from toes to head> out, mister!" (once again talking to an imaginary man in my life).  "Not TOO shabby, considering I’m in HORRIBLE shape!:  (I realize this is somewhat counter-intuitive, but stick with me.  In 6 months I’m hoping for a nice shift and in a year I want to be FABULOUS!

And now…the adoption.  These are photos I found the other day when I went up to the old house.  This is why I like to keep things that are meaningful to me, even if it is/was painful.  Life, to me, is about learning and giving and living and experiencing as much as we possibly can.  When I was a very young woman, I discovered I was pregnant, despite using birth control.    I had made a sacred vow to God not too long before, because, again, despite birth control, I had found myself pregnant and had gotten an abortion.  I had promised I would not do that again, that I would keep the child or give it up for adoption.  It was a promise I intended to keep.                                                                                                      

I met Anna and Joe when I was about 3 months pregnant.  Anna was more than willing to have an open-adoption and I was so very grateful, because I didn’t know how I could give a child away and never know about them.  My mom had been adopted and I couldn’t imagine how it would be to repeat something like that (though she was a VerdingKind in Switzerland, which was a whole other issue).  I agreed to let them adopt the baby.  The pregnancy was a story in itself:  I was not a good pregnant mother.  I was drinking beer, I was smoking cigarettes. Emotionally, I HURT so much!!  My family had disowned me, again, and I was so damn lost.   I even told on myself to the OB/GYN , but he smiled at me and said as long as I wasn’t downing 1/5 of hard alcohol that it was ok.  There is so much more to this story: domestic violence, ER trips,  and I often think…wow…my life has some STUFF!  I should write a book, because really – it’s a Lifetime for Women movie if I ever saw one. Then …one day - on September 14 (Future Maggie's birthday), I was induced into a very painful labor and Brandon was born.  I kept him and nursed him for 2 days, he was my little Nickolaus  Quaid Munzer, a perfectly healthy baby boy. In the hospital, I had to initial the relinquishment papers, which was TERRIBLE.  Each line was read to me and I had to initial it as tears streamed down my face.  Shortly after, I was wheeled out in a wheelchair and brought to Lutheran Social Services where I had a little bit of time with him. I could nurse him one final time then change him again once more into the ceremony outfit.  Once the ceremony began, I remember my heart just breaking.  I wanted to run, but…I couldn’t.  I had made a promise many months before and the well-being of this precious little child was at stake.  I couldn’t even take care of myself, how was I to take care of a child?  As I kept telling myself, love can’t feed a baby.  After I handed Brandon to Anna, I ran out of the chapel in tears and asked my friend Janelle to take me home.  That night, I cried myself to sleep as the emptiness consumed me.  How spiteful that my milk-laden breasts awoke me, hurting so much as I stood there, arms in the air, tears falling from my face as Chip helped wrap my breasts in Ace bandages.  A very, very difficult part pf my life, but oh, so  worth it!!  In a few months, I was ready to go visit Brandon in his home(the door was always open for me).  He was a happy baby and I had helped create a family.  Wow.  Such a tremendous honor.

 Pictures:  Leaving the hospital with my little Nickolaus (Brandon);  All my Swiss documents!!; Placerville during today's' walk; Visiting Brandon in his home for the first time since the adoption ceremony.