August 16, 2015

 

I awoke at 7:06, grateful I could sleep two more hours then realized I couldn't  if we were to be home on time.  I started coffee and as it heated,  I began tear down.  It wasn't long until I had to wake Maggie so we could get the bunk cleared; within 30 minutes we were finished.  I have to say, regarding the assholes camped next to us (there's one at every music fest), WHY do you go camp -where you will be around PEOPLE?  WHY do you go to a MUSIC FESTIVAL, where the theme is generally love, peace, joy...?  The kitchen wasn't open yet at the lodge, so we left Calpine and headed out to Sierraville to eat breakfast.  There is something special about being the only people in an old building, built sometime in the 1860s and listening to The Bee-Gees, "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing." It was a special moment.

The drive down went well...I stopped Nyack to fill up and add more oil (always).  By the time we got home, we had plenty of time before Jonathan's gathering, but I kept us running anyway as I sensed all was not right in the Universe.  I had to pick up Ethan at a friend's house....and of course the bus wouldn't start; she was blocking the Mazda, too, so I thought I'd shower, give Lizzie a chance to cool then head out, but nothing.  Dammit, Lizzie!  Not now, not today!  I texted Ethan and tried again.  Still nothing.  The wheels in my brain working hard, I moved decorative items out of my yard, pushed Lizzie back, then pulled the Mazda into the front yard.

At this point my neighbors were across the street, watching me and asked if they could help.  Me being me, said “Oh!  It’s okay I’ll get it…” as the husband way saying  “just say yes” and they started walking over.  After a bit of struggle, we pushed the bus in and I backed my car out over the lawn.  I headed to grab Ethan, picked up Maggie and we stopped to pick up ice and flowers.  Flowers.  Why do we give people flowers to say, “I am so sorry about the death of this incredible human being”?   I couldn’t get “happy” flowers…no daisies or such, so Mags and I picked out a bouquet, a bag of ice and headed to the gathering.

I don’t know what to write about the next three or so hours.  Jeff, Jonathan’s dad, put on the face of “everything is ok,” Jill, his sister and left hand, was in tears, not hiding any emotions, Dale, my sister-in-law, was stressed, Carolene, was busy – doing whatever possible, moving the condiments here, switching this with that, cleaning these…doing whatever she could to stay busy.  I learned about the specifics on the happenings of Jonathan’s death, so it finally made sense to me.  I hadn’t understood how it could have happened with the initial description,  but after hearing about the speed and seeing the photos, it all made sense, especially when I heard of the location – White Rock Road, where so many deaths take place.  It’s that long, winding road through cow-dotted hills where cars speed up, cars lose control and telephone poles often are there to stop the car.  Jonathan’s body took all the force of the crash.  I won’t go into detail, but no organs were available for donation.    I talked to many people, hugged many people, shed quite a few tears.  I watched how these different people handled their grief in different ways with such interest, including myself.  I couldn’t clean…I couldn’t really do much to “help” in the traditional sense.  I watched them, water rushing from the sink, glasses clinking in angry defiance, a needed busy-ness to temporarily pacify frayed emotions.  I consoled  people, comforted, normalized the feelings of grief as much as possible.  So many conveying guilt at not being able to “grieve in the normal way.”  There IS NO normal way to grieve – it is all individual.

 

I left and headed to the gym.  I managed cardio, but couldn’t really do much else, plus I was so exhausted, physically and emotionally, I left and headed home.  I had a phone date with Brandon, my precious first born child and despite the difficulties of the day, I knew this would be the best way to end it.  He called and we spoke for over 3 hours.  This is the Life works – there is loss, both physically, as with Jonathan, or with Brandon almost 23 years ago, but then Universe gives back.  “Wheel in the sky keeps on turning…”.

Pics 'n Flicks:  Mourning Time; The Sierraville Cafe;  Maggie's selfie; On the way home; "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing"