September 5, 2015

I had the neatest dream about Barbara Morrison (Ma Comatose), Her husband Brad (Pa Comatose), their sons Ben & Alex  (The Brothers Comatose) and the rest of the band.  The boys were in a Saturday morning cartoon about their band and those rascally adventures a bluegrass band finds itself on, and Barbara was head of a shark pool (a huge, huge, cavernous place) with a shallow section for kindergartners and a deeper section for larger kids and adult-like people such as myself.  Initially I fed the sharks (by hand, underwater) the chicken snacks (akin to Scooby snacks) in the shallow end, so after Barbara and Brad scolded me properly, I went in the deep end where I fed "Longstein", the most social of the male sharks.  It was great fun.  Then I woke up and life wasn’t quite as enjoyable.

It isn’t that life isn’t fun it is why do  I continue sliding this continual path to un-wellness?  I remember feeling that first inkling of a sore throat in Calpine which was a month ago this weekend.  Odd…it feels like it’s been years.  

I sat in bed most of the day and looked at words such as “the evidence supports interpreting the outcomes of multi-informant assessments as reflections of contextual blah-blah-blah…”  thinking, if I can’t understand this in English, how the fuck am I supposed to understand in German?  This is really what I said.  I am not adding the word’ fuck” to impress anyone.

At 6:30 I was going nuts, so I took the dogs and we headed to out park, where there were humans, so we went to the other field -the one behind my current work place.  I love how life keeps weaving these places in my life, such as when I looked at jobs in Switzerland today and noticed positions for the sanitarium we always passed on our way to school in Kilchberg.  Dogs played some hoops and then I’d throw the ball in the field.  Mabi was soon tired, but Annie just kept running, exploring as Mabi rested.  These two are as different as my human children.  I have four distinct personalities – 2 different humans and 2 different canines.  

I am a concerned about my boy.  He is dropping the homework again.  How do I get this kid to invest in his life?  Skills and habit need to be learned and the thing is, it doesn’t get easier the older you get <look at me…shining example>.  Not sure…any suggestions or magic solutions would be appreciated.  Something else.  I notice that when I am with people I do not know, I must appear very stuck up….  I’m not a “smiler” and say-whatever-I-can-just-to-make-noise “Oh! Look at you , you are looking terrific!!” <kiss on cheek, big hug>  Or “Oh, I just can’t believe the  blah-blah-blah” <adorable chuckle>  I was thinking about when I was at Harlow’s sitting in the back room with the bands – one of whom I know, but am really not friends with and another band I had just met.  I just sat there and listened.  Another woman who was in there knew all the right things to say, kissed on the cheeks, hugged guys, etc.  I can’t do that.  Why is this bothering me?  Why am I writing about it here?  I have no idea..maybe it’s that Ethan and I are so similar in that way – we watch and process.  I can’t make false conversation if it doesn’t interest me or just to fit in.  I dunno, that’s all I have.  

Pictures: My girl was so ready to play.  I feel a great deal of guilt as I am not active enough with her;  Her froggy sit;  Ready for the ball!;  This gate is open and unlatched every time I come here.  That says a lot to me....