October 12, 2015

Crisis was my reason for the alarm, and what a session it was.  I am so grateful this client has a strong parental figure in life to guide and support, because that is what will be needed from now on.  It saddens me that these kids have to grow up so much faster because of circumstances in their lives.

I already felt run-over by the time the session ended. I called my financial advisor so we could discuss, but he was not available quite yet.  My landlord had announced he would be arriving shortly to cleanup outside, which didn’t exactly thrill me, but what else can I do?  I had asked the kids to start cleaning up outside, but naturally they didn’t get that message, so as soon as I got home from an extremely difficult session, I prepared for a visit from the guy who told me less than 48 hours earlier that I had to get out of my home for 5 years within 60 days.  Hunh.  C’est la vie.  When he got there, he just started clearing stuff out left and right.  Fortunately, I was talking to my financial advisor so I didn’t need to interact with him.  Landlord left, Jeff and I hung-up, and kids and I started packing/organizing. It wasn’t long after when Jeff called back – what about buying the house?  Hunh again.  This house??  Erggggg.  No, thanks.

I looked around for rentals and the kids and I soon hopped in the car to go check out the first one. VERY close to downtown, but so wedged into other homes on quite a steep hill.  Where would Lizzie go?  Kids and I nixed that one.  Then we ran home for other addresses and headed off to see the second one.  Quite a way out of town – almost to the river, but it’s a pretty cool house.  We’ll see.  Then we headed to Cameron Park – and woahholymackerel.  This one is within FEET of my other work site!!  Mags and I stopped in to see Jenni and I showed Jenni through the window.  Then it was time to head to one more house.  We didn’t realize how far away this one was – 42 minutes away from Cameron Park – practically in Los Angeles.  This house was GORGEOUS, but too far away.  “It’s always that one thing!”  Ethan exclaimed.  Oh, honey…you are 13.  Welcome to a whole life of that one thing.  I needed to get my wallet and some refreshing seltzer water.  There was no way in hell I was cooking today – I feel like I have been run over by an emotional bulldozer today for some reason.  All the joi de vivre from Saturday has not only left, but it took any remnants of joy with it.  Today I’m fucking scared .

We grabbed stuff, headed to rental agency and I talked to the lady about the 2 properties.  CP has a list a mile long of interested parties.  The other house, not so much.  I go look at it tomorrow.  Then we headed to grab something to eat because there is NO WAY IN HELL I was going to cook.  The restaurant we initially went to had no farm fresh items, anymore.  Late in the day and they had run out, so we walked down…lo and behold…a homemade chocolate store!!  I almost cried.  On such a shitty, emotionally draining day, this was a bit of sunshine which gave me hope.  The chocolate was also quite tasty. Kids and I went to Cascada, which has somewhat decent food.  I’m not really a fan and after today – with music that only a Molly-user could love – I shan’t be returning.  I really wanted to pound my head into the lovely concrete embedded bricks, but refrained.  

Ethan really wanted to head back to the park today; he was desperate to practice basketball a bit.  Honestly, I just wanted to cry… but the park for the dogs and kids sounded almost as good, so off we went.  Soccer girls were playing, so we drove around and came upon a lovely little nature preserve which was quite lovely.  We’ll have to visit it soon without the pups. Cars were soon leaving so we parked.  Annie was so eager I’m surprised her vocal cords didn’t explode.  SERENITY NOW!  It wasn’t until I was throwing the ball for the dogs that posts and responses came flashing back into my head – after looking to make sure, I realized I’m 11 years sober today.  Well holy hell.  That could be a huge part of the emotional hangover, indeed.  It’s even worse than it was in year 4 (still not sure why that was such a rough year).  Mags wanted to bake me a peach pie in celebration, so we stopped by Safeway and she bought peaches.

As we drove home, I listened to Rod Stewart sing "You're in my Heart." So long ago, in another life when I was 19 - there was this man...Carey.  He was 26 and he dug me.  I dug the fact that a 26 year old was interested.  One night in my dad's bar, he sang this to me, playing on his guitar.  Oh my god, he sounded exactly like Rod Stewart.  Things didn't necessarily end so well ... and this was particularly bad part in my life, but tonight, remembering that night when he sang to me, my heart was so heavy.  Tears poured down and I was grateful it was dark so the kids couldn't see my tears.  It is so damn hard doing it all, so difficult not having a partner to help out at times and sometimes,  it is just lonely....  As Mags baked, Ethan and I went through our movies.  Most of the kid’s movies we shall sell. Saw another home I’m interested in and so I contacted Peter and Ann McQuinlin – a real estate couple I met years ago when I was in BNI.  It would be wonderful if it could happen – but I tend to doubt it.  It’s almost too perfect.  So another year down, another DAY down.  Tomorrow a kid I know is going to get some awesome Legos.  Maybe he can even build a train. 

 Pics 'n Video: Mags making my birthday pie; The cool house in Los Angeles (practically); A beautiful old home; Sunset; 11 years peach pie; Rod Stewart - "You're in my Heart"  FYI - My "official" sobriety song, however, is SRV's version of Hendrix's  "Little Wing"