October 13, 2015

 I heard the best, most sweetest thing this morning from a Boy I loved:  I was his first love.  This made my heart smile so much and brought back a longing for a partner.  I am so scared doing all of this alone.  As I showed up at worked, I was surprised by the sweetest gesture from Mike, a friend I have trudged the road with – a bouquet of flowers and an 11 year chip.  

Tears brimming – just waiting to escape at any moment.  Another visit as they prepare to sell the house out from under me.  I went to see a house for sale – but it is not in an area I want to bring the kids into, so I didn’t even look at it.  Instead, we looked at another potential houses and then did a walk-through.  Best views but the house wasn’t even up to Breaking Bad standards.

 

I spoke with a broker – someone all the Mother Hips people are familiar with.  According to him, my value wouldn’t even get me a decent apartment.  Holy fuck.  My world is crashing quickly.

So hard to focus during group.  I just wanted to cry and hide – sleep, run away.  I miss my babies – why are they at dad’s? I guess so they don’t see me being so very afraid, so very emotional.  I quit work so I could finish my hours, but because I’m unemployed, I don’t qualify for anything.  My portfolio doesn’t count for shit, it seems.  

 

 

At home, I found John had left me a box of my very favorite chocolates he brought back from Austria – Ildefonso.  I devoured these as a child in Austria in our cabin, in my room, reading The Secret Garden, The Long Summer, or Julie of the Wolves.  I miss simple times.  I can’t wait anymore on maybes or what- ifs…I have to find a job and I have to find a place for us to live.  I am so very, very scared….

Flowers and a beautiful 11 year sobriety chip which I carried closely all day long;  This may look okay from this distance, but close up I looked for cooking equipment; my Ildefonso.