This morning I awoke 2-3 hours earlier than necessary, but I
am beyond “one edge.” I’m the coyote
floating in mid-air off the cliff just before he realizes he is about to crash
downward at full speed. This is what I
feel like. It’s kinda like being in love
except without the happy feeling. My
sweet, sweet friend from so long ago in Switzerland, whom I met on my first day
at school has been giving me words of inspiration and support and she has no
idea how much that means to me. The funny
thing is, in Switzerland – new country, new culture, age 14, I had less
fear than I do right now. ‘Course, I
didn’t have 4 lives depending on me, either – 2 human and 2 furry (oh, and
Violet). Jen lives on the East Coast,
too. I swear, if CH wasn’t in the picture,
I’d move there, close to my sister.
I felt a bit more…secure?
Less fearful? No Butterflies of
Nerves? So I headed to my lovely local bank to speak to them about a loan. They sent me to another place where I spoke
with Randy who said that he felt I should be able to find some kind of loan no
problem. I felt better than I had in
days and headed off to Marina who does those woman face-thingies for me. She used to be in the real estate field and
when I told her about dude yesterday she mentioned certain words and I translated
them to be “prick”, “self-righteous asshole”, etc. I had the same feeling. I headed off to stop by the real estate
company who helped me out yesterday and then off to school. I had some notes I needed to log and we had
group session today. While I was there,
I got a text from Randy who said, unfortunately, since my assets are not
retirement nor trust-fund style, I cannot get a loan on them. I sat outside on the cement under a tree and
was devastated. I went inside, got my satchel
and drove away….
…to a parking lot near Save-Mart where I find I tend to go
when there are bad things happening. This
is the third time I’ve come here in the last few months. I sat in the car and bawled. My financial advisor Jeffrey called and I
cried as I told him I have been homeless once when I was in my early twenties,
but that was ok, because I was sober, alive and there were no kids depending on
me. I have spent my life educating myself,
doing what I felt was The Next Right Thing so that I could provide a good
future for my children and instead, here I am with a 5 degrees and 54 days
until I’m homeless. I am not kidding
when I said I cried. That poor man… yet
he said what an honor it was to share this tender moment with me when I am so vulnerable
and afraid. He has faith in me. I don’t see why…. I am a big cry baby who doesn’t really seem
to give a damn who sees her cry. Yes, this
is my financial advisor, but he reminds me of friends my dad had and that’s why I selected him (plus he’s
good). He doesn’t know that, though.
After we hung up, I read a text from Susan and I told her I was in my car
crying. She asked if I’d like to come in
and talk, so I drove back and did.
This is where the list was created because there is a lot
going on in my head right now: I have to
finish the Capstone presentation so I can graduate, I have to get hired/to get
a loan, I have to get a loan to get a house, I have to get a house so I can
leave here. I also need to find a fast
way to get my seven hours in, but that isn’t that big a deal, I simply realize I
am in a position of stress and anxiety and am therefore going crazy trying to
get everything done at once. After
group, I worked on contacting people and have to say, it was very Law &
Order for a moment. I even heard the “Dun-Dun!!”
in the background…. Then logging prog
notes and seeing a client. It was nice to get out of my head and get into
someone else’s. Off to get nachos – even
though there is no hunger (I haven’t eaten since 7 this morning). I sat outside, had a plate by myself and talked
to Freddy for a while (he works there).
At one point a car pulled up and suddenly I heard a commotion. Young men were trying to get the driver out
of the car because the car was on fire.
It was a very weird situation.
They managed to get the fire out, but it caught again and meanwhile the driver
isn’t doing much of anything. They ran
into the restaurant, grabbed a fire extinguisher and put the fire out. The driver walked, then ran, to the bar
behind the restaurant (the joys of alcohol), so the guys called 911 to report the fire and suspicious
behavior (I had called 911, too, but cancelled when they told me the fire was
out). Soon, the fire truck showed up and
they made sure the fire was out and took down a report. 
At home, I saw…boxes from Brent, the Venetian blinds were
pulled open, so no more nudity for a while, Things were taken down and
rearranged. I texted my landlord saying
how disconcerting it was having the whole living room wide open for everyone to
peer into. He said put a sheet up then
said how disappointed he was in the state of the blinds…that they had worked
when we moved in. He went on to say how disappointed
he was in the state of the house, that they had been good to me and deserved
better. WHAT? Are you fucking kidding me? The blinds are cheap Home Depot blinds – I would
have replaced them. The Venetian blinds
had been broken and repaired and I told him I could give him the name and
number of the person I had called who had tried to repair them, and the house is
a wreck because YOU TOLD ME I HAD 60 DAYS TO VACATE. Pictures: A dead sunflower; Sunset; Extinguished car and making sure....
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