February 29, 2016

The clock read 4:07...I just don't know how to stay asleep anymore - I am up and wired, then too awake at night to go to bed early.  This mind of mine just keeps on racing, spinning.  I love being physically exhausted, but there isn't much of that happening anymore.

My Maggie was sick this wrong - and this is rare.  Sore throat.  I let her sleep, dropped off boy, picked up dogs, showed lady at kennel my Hips poster that Jason got me because everytime I leave the dogs at the kennel  it's to go see the Hips, so I thought an intro was pertinent. 

Back at home,  I waited for rodent guy and sink-leak-fixer guy.  Yes we have rodents (duh) yes, it is mice (garage) and rats (inside walls).  Of course.  Jimminy crickets, can't I attract anything else in homes?  Also the French door screen will be repaired or replaced next week so we can leave the door open and no flies will enter the house.  This is kind of a shame because it gives Mabi something to herd, yet the incessant barking when the fly is on the ceiling is maddening....  Before my EMDR appointment, I headed to purchase some waterproof pants/shoes for me/Ethan but that was unsuccessful.  A dollar late and a day short...or something like that.

At EMDR so many more things came to light.  In my accident, I experienced a broken rib, collapsed lung, cracked collar bone - which explains why I feel chest pressure whenever I'm "triggered" as of late during driving.  Several other things but no EMDR.  There are too many unknowns and so a neuropsychological battery has been suggested and I just happen to know a psychologist who does just such assessments.  I will ask and see if I can be pointed in the right direction.  The reasoning behind this is to determine the basis of my triggers because unraveling the accident itself, which is buried deep, deep, deep in my subconsciousness, probably wouldn't be the grandest of ideas - especially since I enjoy road trips and am here now, it seems, where Zurich's wonderful transit is not available.  Besides, I just added the VW onto my FasTrak account.

 

Off to look for the boots and pants, but again, nothing.  Soon, I headed to my hairstylist who did an amazing job...and then:  I saw the new "owner" of the place - Etyhan's old pediatrician who had lost his first wife about 5 years ago and now (I realized) he had lost his second wife in a tragic car accident in October.  Oh my - who am I to complain about ANYTHING???

 

Pictures: This mornings Wicket Tree - my eyes are very sensitive, something is wrong because they hurt.  Again.  No more community medical drs - I need to see an ophthalmologist; Cenotes SCUBA; My new lunch box; a terrific pen at EMDR

February, 28, 2016

After arriving around 2:45 (A half hour earlier than anticipated by the map-dude), I went to bed.

I managed to sleep until 10:00 - a whole 7 hours stretch.  This is good.

It was a very lazy day:  I got tickets to High Sierra and Calpine, finally put clothes on around three in the afternoon, a managed to wash our bed linens and put them back on the bed.  I also unloaded the dishwasher around seven in the evening.

I had fun looking up our summer adventure.  Switzerland woudl cost about ten thousand dollars.  That is ridiculous, so instead, I contacted friends I have in Tulum, Mexico (both of whom I met in Switzerland) and will go there with the kids.  SCUBA diving in cenotes, the ocean, Mayan ruins, the sun.  It will be nice.

I am also planning with Jess about Hipnic - we are going to do a Bohemian theme...very excited about that.

Picture:  I was really lazy - no pics today so here is a pic of this blog pre-posting.

February 28, 2016

Up at 8:47 – so 5 hours of sleep – or so.  It helped sleeping, for sure, but I am 44 years old, if standing causes so much pain, there is something wrong here.  NOTE:  I later discovered that wearing Birkenstocks to a show is not a wise choice. 

 

The day was a gentle one- a cleansing one.  Victoria and I spoke for hours on so many different topics.  Having an intelligent conversation was a delicious brain treat.  

I left around 4 to head towards Sebastopol – planning a lunch/dinner stop along the way.  I found a quiet sushi restaurant in San Leandro and then continued on to Lee’s house.  I was very saddened – the hit-a-wall-until-Change-happens kinda sad.  Lee texted me, asking how I was, so I phoned her back and we talked.  Perfect timing…. And then, another treat, Jessica and Rickey were going to be at the Hopmonk…my Hipnic camping people.  

The show was ideal – the shoes were terrific (screw foot support – my body can’t handle it) and the songs were incredible.  The company completed a perfect trifecta of friendship from some very special women in my life.

 

I drove home, listening to more podcasts.  I think my direction is trauma therapy –that’s what my life experiences have given me.  Grateful for those dark clouds….

Pictures:  "Life in the City", Tim, Scott & Greg....

February 26, 2016

6:07 – I can sleep as late as I desire and this is when I awoke- bright-eyed and bushy-tailed…at 6:07.  So I did yoga – day Five, and I stretched and stretched.  It was time to pack up, but since I am planning on driving home tomorrow evening from Sebastopol, I only need to pack for one day. 

 

I can tell you that driving to drop the dogs off, it became very evident that I really need to handle my PTSD symptoms which have remerged.  As I drove over a slight hill – an every-day occurrence in my part of the planet – I saw a car driving towards me.  Suddenly, it was driving AT me and I screamed as fear assaulted my chest and heart.  So many things in the fraction of a second:  My breathing and heart rate increased as a I felt pressure in my chest area, and I witnessed what was about to happen.  It didn’t of course…the car rambled on in its own way, I headed in my direction with the dogs, but that moment…that near-death occurrence.  I hate this.  It took forever to get the dogs checked into to the boarding facility – as it does every time.  Goddammit, people… push “save” on the information you got the first 5 times.

 

I headed off into the wild, blue afternoon.  It wasn’t long before I arrived at my hostess’s place and what a lovely place it was.  We headed off to go bra-shopping for me.  I am really not trying to make this such an issue, but the one I purchased from Soma is quite uncomfortable right now.  It does seem so silly, but I feel as if I am being compressed from all sides.  We found Macy’s and in we went – I found 2 for the same price as the one from Soma.  We headed towards Santa Cruz then and came upon a beach scene – with surfers…  oh my god.  Surfers.  I need to get to the beach more.  I remember being about 13 and being so sad the I was in Midland, Texas –so damn far away from the ocean.  I wanted to surf.  We headed to the downtown section then and ambled about – seeing all sorts of interesting things…getting a thing or two for my boy, who will soon be 14.  

We were to meet a few people at a taqueria not  too far away from Moe’s – excellent food and such incredible musical stories from Dennis Cook – who used to write for Jam Base along with many other musical entities.  The stories and musical knowledge this many is brimming with.  My god – to share his brain for a bit each day…I might actually do something with writing.

At 8:30ish we were at Moe’s Alley – the same place I had come to years ago for my first solo Hips show. I was here to see the Hips, of course – OF COURSE!  Yet I was also here for a different purpose – a primary purpose of support and being there in case of temptation for someone.  Not drinking at a show is, for me, the norm for quite some time, but for some of us, that magical elixir is a lifeline to life.  I’m grateful I am off the juice.  By the third song, my back was in so much pain that I was not sure how I was going to stand here – front row/Greg side for the whole show.  Looking back, I still don’t know.  I do know that I heard from two very reliable sources that Tim was in so much pain, yet he sat there, in a very uncomfortable chair  with a  smile on his face, and goddammit, if this man can be going what he’s going through and smile, then I will stand there with a paralyzed back and shoot some videos for his fans. 

Pics n' Vid: SC scenes, "White Falcon Fuzz" and Mr. Scott Thunes

February 25, 2016

Day what are we at?  Four?  It's the end of February.    The fact that it was 73F, the Sierras were hiding behind some suspiciously smog-like haze and my beach body is nowhere to be found may have something to do with it.

Juvenile hall.

I had a list of things to do, yet due to a sudden exhaustion that hit me on the way out, I skipped the gym. I wanted to grab some crickets for Violet and as I headed to my car, crickets in hand, I was stopped by someone I knew. We have Some Things in common and the conversation eventually veered to this as there are also young children involved in her life.  I shared about my honest approach with my kids about what alcohol does to me, being transparent from the get-go: this is what I've done, this is where it got me, this is what I am doing as a living amends.  I heard some words I haven't heard in quite a while: God put you here today for a reason, as she thanked me and drove away.  That really touched my heart.

 I would be DDing a friend from her home in Cupertino to the show and thus I wanted a lovely car to present, so car wash was stop one. As they  washed, I grabbed my bags and walked to the grocery store. In there, I overheard a very handsome young black man explain to someone what to buy.  "You're teaching them the correct foods to eat, aren't you?" I asked and when he responded affirmatively I high-fived him and asked, "Where have you been all my life?" and then walked away with a smile.  I mean - seriously, add 15 years and where the hell has he been all my life??    "Miss?"  I heard behind me and as  turned, saw him walked towards me.  We talked for a while; he works at the gym I belong to but not they two locations I frequent, but still - very doable.  He promised up and down the results I could expect and the thing is - I KNOW this to be true because I have experienced - it is eating the right foods, which is 80% of the battle.  Jake can help me out on the exercise part.  As I left the store, I ran across a mom I know from many years ago - her niece is now Maggie's BFF (or BFFN:  Best Friend For Now).  The fact that I remembered her sons' name blew me away.

My car was beautiful and the dinner was ok.  I have scraped my cornea again somehow (Twice in 3 months??).  My poor body.  I really need to start caring better for this girl.  I hope to be 1/5 of the way into a pattern of self-care with yoga.  The music self-care part starts tomorrow night.

Pictures:  Two of the trees in my backyard - one so impatient the blossoms are already old news as the leaves emerge and the other barely beginning to show buds.  Extreme opposites.

February 24, 2016

Yoga – Day Three – the restart continues.  Despite waking up at 4:07, I stayed in bed “sleeping” until the alarm rang at 5:30.  After a bit I did my yoga and some arm weights.  This morning's selection was L.A. Guns, by the way – in case you wondered.

It was difficult this morning – taking my client on a journey away from the easy topics to topics which need to be addressed.  It’s hard for all of us, I get that.

The group supervision was smaller today – some of us have left the agency, some of us are in Paris, some of us are not here for different reason.  Personally, I would use the Paris reason.  I sat there with my computer page on a couple of different things – one on a sex therapist page as this is (still) the topic I am interested in specializing in.  I feel I am gentle and easy to talk to and, as sexuality is a major building block of us, of our self-esteem, of how we carry ourselves, or how we contribute (or don’t) in relationship, I would like to be able to assist people who so often  experience sexuality issues but have difficulty talking to someone.  I hope that in meeting me for an initial session, many will feel I am non-judgmental and easy to talk to.  So – that was one computer page.  The other was Prince, for his Oakland show on Sunday.  Credit card was ready, and I jumped on it at noon – but no luck – it sold out in minutes (HOW does that happen?  And HOW does that ONE guy I know ALWAYS get tickets??).  Oh-kay, well – I guess 2 Hips shows this weekend will have to be enough (smile).

 

Juvenile hall and then – I pulled up to my kids’ school and waited.  As I waited, I spoke to my financial dude about the logic in purchasing a home since Europe is sadly not going to be in the picture and he agreed that if I plan to be here at least 4 (5?) years, buying a home makes sense.  I am not going to quit trying for Europe, but that interview - she made a lot of sense...and I worry about the kids' education. And so... I have some money for a down payment, but was amazed at how little a difference it seemed to make between insurance, property taxes, and all sorts of other red tape.  This state and its bureaucracy….  It seems I forgot that the kid’s grandmother picks them up on Wednesday, so there we both sat, a few cars away from each other, waiting, until the kids were released.  My son kindly reminded me that today grandmother picks them up.  Ha and oops.

 

I went home and looked at houses.  I have 9 month left in this lease, so I can look at least.  The kids and I hung out in the evening…I love being with them.  I have to find time to add about 5 more clients to my schedule since I’m not doing the parent group as of last Thursday.  You know – I’m ok with that.  I like being busy – not sure where I’ll put the clients, but I am finding that I am slowly, somewhat cautiously beginning to trust in who I am and a lot of that is because of the feedback I get from my dear colleagues.  Boundaries: I’m beginning to learn how to set them.  

Pictures: Mags as Cookie Monster

February 23, 2016

Yoga – Day Two...again.  I am a quitter, but fortunately I’m also a re-starter.  The day started with some AC/DC, thanks to Corby, and any day starting with AC/DC has promise. 

Dropped the kids at school and headed off to training…only as soon as I got on the freeway, I started thinking about protein, which led to the eggs I had boiled, which led to “did I even shut the stove off?”  which led me to start to obsess a little.  I called the school so I could check with Maggie (she’s my reminder-er) and headed on to training.

It is interesting how certain people from a certain group I used to attend have all been reappearing in my life again.  One lives 4 houses away.  That is a pretty interesting coincidence, but I shan’t go into detail.  Today, there were a couple of other from this group at training – one of them was in my past for almost 2 years in a different way, but gain…this is something I don’t want to go into detail about.  Sometimes it’s just better to leave things unsaid.  During our break, I called the school again - since I'd never heard from Maggie and she didn't even realize I had been boiling eggs, so during lunch, I raced home to check the stove.  No firetrucks, no firemen (sad face), and no exploded eggs.

The good thing I learned at training was that I shall probably be able to stay at juvenile hall until May, which is absolutely wonderful.  After the training (where I was given a card by the head of a big thing up in Tahoe and in return I gave him my business card – first hand-off!), I headed off to grab the kids.  Ethan was checking out boys’ volleyball so as I waited, I thought about purchasing a home.  Since we’ll be here a while, I’m wondering.  Would it be a good idea?  I have a little to put money down and pay for while I’m here – then I could rent it out.  I’m not sure – gonna talk it over with some folks who know better than I…I just hate throwing away money for rent.

The Instant Pot is the second best investment (after the Soda Stream).  Tonight, I made stacked chicken enchiladas with a chile verde sauce and the kids loved it.  Made reservations for the pups this weekend, I’m looking forward to my Mother Hips adventure in Santa Cruz/Sebastopol.  My first weekend as an actual groupie.  

Pictures: This morning's Wicked Tree; No flame!  Yet another day of success in not burning down the house.