September 4, 2015

 A half ton of gunk was in my chest this morning.  This does nothing for the bra size, by the way, it just adds to the pressure of fun things, like…breathing.  It wasn’t long before I heard a familiar rumbling down the street, a stop, a door slid open, then shut, and the dogs flew off my bed like maenadic beasts and raced to the door where diabolical barking ensued. ”Don’t let them out!” I heard, as I opened the door (there is a slid metal screen door to open, as well).  Poor UPS guy,  It’s a Queensland, not a Rottweiler who was snipped and now has a high pitched bark.

The cool thing, the best thing, is that he was delivering I have long coveted, a messenger bad from..you guessed it, Zürich.  I am not a purse person and my iPhone, wallet, water bottle is just too much sometimes, so I got something which is rugged, built to stand up to a beating (which is good, because the backpack I got in Costa Rica didn’t even last until I got to the airport there before it broke). This messenger bag will last me a LONG, LONG time.  It is made from recycled track tarpaulins, used car seat belts and bicycle inner tubes.  It is rugged.  It is not girly.  It will hopefully outlast a year with me.  Freitag is a great brand of messenger bags and now clothing which are made by hand in amazing fashion. Thrilled I finally have one.  An old classmate from Switzerland and I were in touch for a bit…he lives in SoCal now, teaching.  Without Facebook, I couldn’t be in touch with these people anymore – I was so convinced they were lost forever and now I communicate frequently with many.   Talked to my sister for a brief time - they are on a train on their way to Washington D.C. for a family outing.  I love that lady.  Wish we lived closer....

I had three sessions today, plus a lot of research for my paper.  I made myself eggs and kale for a lunch, then headed off to work.   These people.  It is simply a most divine place to work because, due to the nature of what we do, we are all in sync with one another.  Sure there are issues here and there.. no place is ever perfect, but considering the alternative?  Though there are people from other places I miss, this place wins, bar none.  First session was my little one and it was so sweet to see her…second session, immediately after was an anger management group where it is normal to throw out words like “fuck” and “shit” on a regular basis due to participants...but here’s the thing.  I say those fabulous words all the time, anyway. <grin>  My last  session was a tough one and this is what this agency is all about – all these kids, the littles, the groups, the older ones...they all experience hardships in life.  For some, it is as “simple” as divorced, separated parents <which is ripping apart the entire foundation you have as a child>  For others, it is much more and heartbreaking, so the people here work with them, one minute at a time as they learn means to cope with their personal trauma.  I remember trauma, the after effects and wishing wishing, wishing there were a place where my entire family could go so we could all talk about the problems  facing our family instead of being the only one sent to the therapist to “get fixed.”  Now I get to be that person helping the families and I am so honored.

 

I am at odds with the world as of late.  There are so many accusations flying, fingers pointing (one of which is my own), spewing of hateful words and this causes distress amongst so many.  People react and the action begins.  The bottom line is this. There is no bottom line.  There really isn’t.  As long as different people with differing views of various religious beliefs are made to live together, there shall never be agreement.  As I told a client, the only thing you are in control of is what is in your hula hoop (Self).  You cannot control anything that takes place outside of it, so you must learn how to respond….  I talked a bit about this with a colleague of mine, only it was framed in a different way…a way of needing to be your biggest own biggest fan so that you are not dependent upon others for that.  Knowing, deep within, that “Hey!  I’m fucking awesome!”  is such a powerful tool to have when facing the aforementioned scary world, with fingers pointing and shrill shrieks of blame.

I left after 7 and…headed to Chipotle for my organic chicken salad because REALLY, I can’t cook for a hill of beans lately.  My dad would probably have me quartered if he knew what my cooking skills have become.   I headed home, ate with my two dogs and looked into what I can do for this cough.  Window is closed and humidifier is on.  Hot honey lemon tea (more) and Vicks.  I want to cry.  More perfect hiking weather, but I’ll be in bed working on my last paper <major depression on both aspects>.And to close..a few meaningful words from DeBarge's fantastic 1985 hit "Rhythm of the Night":

When it feels like the world is on your shoulders
And all of the madness has got you going crazy
It's time to get out step out into the street
Where all of the action is right there at your feet....

Pictures: Freitag shoulder strap.  I Am so excited about this....; This is the little guy I saved from the watery death of the shower.  He is one of my bathroom guards; Someone gave me a heart-on at work.  Love it!: The beautiful sunset as I left the office.  

September 3, 2015

There is a heavy-thingy sitting on my chest and it is getting heavier.  I felt it all night long and when I awoke, there it was…blinking at me with curiosity.   Oh yeah… just what I need.  Still, I will see that poor client Friday come hell or high water.  First a  funeral, then strep, I refuse to cancel again.   If I have double pneumonia, I’ll be sitting in that room with a handkerchief to cover my coughs.  I started on some German lessons and was overjoyed <sarcasm> to be reintroduced to neuter, feminine and masculine.  Der, die , das, dem, den, ..trrbhtdrtvrdrrbrbrbrberghhghghgfefdegdedcfecddv.

I had a nice little chat with Gio this morning.  I love that A) I am still in touch with him after all these years and B) that he is in Poland and I am in America yet still we communicate.  I also communicated once more with Jake – I think my last text frightened the poor guy – to let him know I am unwell and that I cannot be there today.  I made myself golden milk…and fell in love.  Such sumptuous deliciousness;  I made it with ¾ hemp milk and one quarter 2% milk and I know this will be a nighttime routine of frequency.  Who cares if it’s good for me. Dogs to the park before Mabi's eyes pop out of her head from neurotic-ism....

At two-ish, I headed to school to drop off a tent and the Marmot bag for the boy, then headed to work.  As I passed the roses, I stopped and inhaled deeply.  These roses smell like my childhood..so sweet and innocent.  It invites all sorts of happy chemicals to dance in my brain.  I walked in…no clients from last week.  Blech.  But then that means my Penelope is current.  Yay!  I received a signed Treatment plan (yay), I made a phone call to schedule a client for tomorrow, (yay) and…and..and.  I saw my transfer client for the first session, (yay) and it went very well (yay).  I scheduled with the whole family in two weeks and shall do a bit of consulting with mom in the meanwhile.  Wrote up the prog notes, filled out Penelope and off I went to try to catch my voice, which was leaving me.  As I left, I smelled those glorious roses again – three times, for good luck.

Now, I’m not a big nail polish person, as most people who know me realize,  but I have had this hankering for a soft neutral shade on my fingers (huh???) and toes.  I pulled into the Safeway shopping area and also thought of more lemons…and salad and chicken.  In that store, as I aimlessly trod through food-laden hallways which made no sense to me, I managed to get those items into my basket. Yet people were plotting and kept pulling in front of me, or circling me like emaciated vultures, waiting for me demise.  Flushes of heat would dance around my head then disappear again.  Suddenly…those eyes..from one of the men I would see at the gym.  The one who looks right through me.  Let me equivocally state here and now there is no attraction.  Besides, I think the guy he is always with  is his partner, because I mean, here they are...shopping together.  I understand a work-out buddy, but somewhere, one must draw the line  <“No really, I now how to determine which avocados are ripe, thank you kindly…”>.  I paid, left…blinded with the sun in my eyes.. and those same guys drove right at me in their Jeep.  Maybe I’m in an M. Night Shyamalan movie….  And I never did get the nail polish.

Home.  I started cooking, chopping salad..and  started to clean out my fridge.  Not good.  Stay on course.  One Thing At A Time.    A recent practice I am trying to bring back is to only work on one thing at a time, which, for someone with my brain, is tough.  The salad was great, the curry flavored chicken thighs?  Not as good as desired as my first bite was that yucky bite you immediately spit out <which I did>.  Started working on my paper as I have accepted (or self-created) a challenge to present every week of class and finish up at the end of the next term.  This also means payments for my degree can start.  I will present one case study each week and hope to have Capstone finished and ready to go by the last class of the term.  Then I'll be DONE <well, with this part....>

Pictures:  These are the folks I work with.  Love it here; A beautiful creature landed here just as I was wishing for a subject in the butterfly bushes; The heaven-scent <PUN! PUN!> rose; A glorious spreadsheet lies in the sun's rays...created for me by the Head Honcho at New Morning for my Capstone paper.

September 2, 2015

Have you ever had a near-perfect sleep?  I think I had about three-quarters of one last night.  Sleep is that favorite worn-quilt you cozy up in during a gentle thunderstorm.  I got up, told the dogs (whom I didn’t crate last night, for some odd reason) that it wasn’t time yet (so they stayed out) and remembered my computer dancing last night: enter this, denied, enter again, now this is denies, enter the info this way, denied, denied, denied. This dance happened most of yesterday in several things I was trying to accomplish and I was hesitant to begin again, but the good news is the AirBnB apartment is ours – right by the lake in Zurich.  I’m looking so forward to showing my much-more-grown-children my favorite city again.  I hope, hope, hope this living-there-plan works. 

At noon I had group supervision.  These are so precious to me and I am saddened that they are only 2 hours long because they are LESSONS ON LIFE.   Before, however, James and I spoke. This man gave me considerable insight as to ways to work in Switzerland.  Learn the parameters then work within them to give people what is needed.  SO much to learn from this man…  if only I could tap into minds <MindTap – BAM!>.  Jen introduced me to the LunchBox at our office of education which has delicious and healthy <Jake-approved> lunches, and then…group.  At this point I am a baby swimming in the knowledge of  Those Who Know..and I realize I will get there, too, but I often wonder if I’m speaking the right language.

I had a group to co-facilitate and a client at 5, but I was feeling so weak that I left  headed home.  Clothes flew off and straight into bed I tumbled.  I am glad this love-of-nudity (or actually, it’s that I hate the feeling of clothes) has only been recently discovered.  There could have been some really interesting situations <course, maybe there were, I was a black-out drinker>.  After a bit, I got back on the horse and tried to get the airline tickets purchased.  Now.  I have excellent credit and I’m very cautious about credit cards.  I recently acquired one because of traveling and as a means of paying, but I was having a difficult time with the Wells Fargo folks.  Not gonna lie, I am not a huge fan of that banking establishment, but finally – after about 15th attempts, 3 calls and 5 different agents I got the tickets.  Hotel first, tickets second,  a little backwards, I know, but YAY!

My head/throat/voice sounded so bad at the end of those phone calls I realized it was time for the big guns.  Cayenne, freshly ground pepper, ginger, lemon and honey (maybe other stuff ,too, I can’t remember).  Then I put Vick’s on my chest give this cold a surround-sound effect.  I wish I had more lemons so I could have drunk gallons of this, but I didn’t have clothes on, I feel like a run-over banana and the store is way over there…  I completed my last case presentation paper and wrote almost a whole sentence on my Capstone paper.  

 

And then I visited TED.  TED is a good guy.  I found lots of interesting topics and started one on depression in which Andrew Solomon says “Depression is a slow way of being dead,”… and yes, I agree with that.  It isn’t about being sad.  Being sad is a feeling, an emotion.  Depression is a slow-motion camera placed in your tired, hopeless, worthless-feeling soul.  I know depression quite well. Today two years ago a friend of mine was at the end of her depressed rope yet by grace, she called her mother.  Today is her second birthday, her LIFE day, actually, as she wasn’t really “reborn” she was “re-lifed.”  So Happy Life Day, Sam and as those boys sing..”Any legacy of mine is gonna be sunshine and I’ll leave it behind as a sign of my love for mankind.” <that’s “White Falcon Fuzz” by The Mother Hips for those of you who didn’t know.  Get a copy today!>

 Pics 'n flicks:  This is a shirt Sam had made and she post it on her page today...She is our girl for MG clothing.  So glad your brightness is here with us, Sam.  I remember two years ago and it wasn't pretty.  Love you!; Mabi, that poor girl.  When I got her I wasn't planning on grad school, and then...;   My kitchen tools for tea;  15th time is the lucky one!;  in her quiet "I'll just sit here and chew a ball while you write" phase;

September 1, 2015

A deep sleep with no awakenings…until a realistic dream of dirty laundry, literally and figuratively, brought me back to life.  Can't I ever escape laundry?   

 Slowly, slowly my head is beginning to come un-stuffed.  I feel verplumfttt.  I know why all this is happening, but jiminy-crockets <he’s a cricket who wears funny rubber shoes>, I thought I was in pretty decent health. My plan today was to complete travel arrangements and finish the paper.  I began with something to do with German courses and looked all over for finding an intensive 1 week course.  I received a terrific note from my expat group in Zurich, who suggested I immediately stop reading in English and only do so in German, I need to translate my professional work into German and I should start teaching the kids.  As if there are more 12 more  hours in the day.

Before I knew it, nothing had  been done.  While I did manage to (sadly) cancel my AirBnB (they are such a nice couple!), I hadn’t found a school, I hadn’t made plane reservations.  I ended up being called by the Amex company to make sure my card hadn’t been stolen by some freaky person who’d rather go to CH than Home Depot and charge up tools then sell them.  Got dressed and headed to the bank.  Turns out a different Amex card would have been a much deal, but that’s how companies role, nowadays.  

Headed to Ethan’s varsity flag football game.  Info said his game started at 3:45.  I didn’t know how that would happen as JV was on field.  Turns out their game started at 4:45, so I got to be there a whole hour early.  I am hiding here.  Hiding in the great wide open among so many people from a different life.  It is still so damn hard to be around these people.  Saw a mom from one of the sweet kindergartners I taught...she remembers me well.  I hugged her and her precious newborn.  I'm in the right swimming pool now.  I know that, but it still hurts to see these children who were a part of my mornings…sweet little ones.  Team won their games (both JV and Varsity) and Maggie’s team won their volleyball game.  

Back in my hidey-hole, with two resentful dogs, well…one resentful dog.  I bought another bag of cough drops.  Annie stole one, so I’ll have to keep an eye on that menthol thief.  I  attempted to do much more on the computer, but nothing was working.  I don’t get it.  How do people manage to work on these things for 8 hours a DAY????  Also noticed I’m becoming quite resentful and believe it’s because I’ve been with me for so many days.

Pictures:  Watering the rosebush and I saw my Shadow.   I've always been a fan of my Shadow <Jungian wink>;  Look who came to say hi to me, today?;  Flag football in a drought area; A school's fitness tucked into Nature.