September 8, 2015

I was up until about three.  My mind spinning and thinking about everything but sleep.  When the alarm screamed at me at 7:03, I groggily got out of bed and went right into the shower.  How I remembered that this was my planned itinerary, I have no idea.  Coffee and early mornings…I wish I could say I had missed them.  Kids to school and then back to my work people for my supervision.  Cough or no, I look forward to this time.  

I was able to give Heather the baby shower gifts…something for mama, something for baby girl, something for soon new big sister and of course, the Halls Birthing Book.  We (Susan and I ) even shared my initial desire to add a phrase after every Halls Per talk ™  (ie – “Elicit a few wows today!” “Buckle down and push through!”  “Seize the day!”)  and make it more about her labor by adding ”with your vagina!”…, but these people don’t know me that well yet and I didn’t want to freak them out.   Sitting with my glorious supervisor, I went through clients, folder by folder.  Slowly…the learning curve is less steep.  I love this work.  I love these people.   I sang to Pete, our lovely older British gent who works on the computers a snippet from Toy Dolls, “Spiders in the Dressing Room” <minus the moshing>,  I could sense my cough was on the way out.

Home for a nap, because being supervised wore me out and then…it was time to go to my client.  I headed to the Cameron park office and met with my sweet kid.  Tears.  I get it.  It’s so damn tough for kids today, yet then, the client wow’d me by sharing something I had suggested a few weeks ago with another student who was struggling.  My words were not only getting through, they were being repeated to other kids!  SECRET IMAGINARY HIGH FIVE TO SELF!!  After, I consulted with the therapist there who gave terrific suggestions.  I love this site.

Off to get my boy and oh, dear.  It was a rough day.  My Manchild is crumbling from within and I am becoming concerned…very concerned.  Spoke with Tatjana <3  I feel better knowing she is there, watching my boy.

After all was said and done (picked up Maggie, made dinner, ate dinner worked on homework with boy which led to…) …Ethan and I were in the living room.  His jaw was clenched, his eyes, filled with so much pain, staring straight ahead so as not to lose sight of his unending misery.  After 20 minutes of non-answered questions, I finally asked if he was depressed <no> do you feel hopeless? <silence> Do you feel worthless? And it was at this point that tears suddenly filled his eyes and began running down his cheeks.    He eventually said he was thinking that this was the beginning of the school year and remembering how terrible last year was….  His year: all those Fs and Ds...words from me, from his father…all beat him into a miserable mash of melancholy.  Granted, he didn’t do the work, he didn’t ask the questions, but when you are down in a hole, like he has been from the beginning of school when he was 3, where do you get the wherewithal to suddenly change your modus operandi?  The one shining light is that he suddenly thinks math is “easy” because he can understand it, which thrills me, but that is one bit, what about the rest, where last year suicidal ideation came into play?  No, I don’t think he will harm himself because he hates school, but I see the patterns of feeling less than dirt and the feelings of worthlessness continue to grow...this is what frightens me. I made a deal with him - an "experiment" of sorts, that he give it his "all" for one month, until October 8 and we will see what happens., if anything changes.  I hope he tried, that he didn't just agree because what else would he do?    Fingers crossed.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Camff0FRRXw

Image:  This is an image of depression I found on Google, created by Pauline Stockhausen.

A link to Toy Dolls "Spiders in the Dressing Room"

September 7, 2015

Remember my internal alarm clock?  Well, it remembers, too and knew that today was the last day before Real Life begins, so I was up at 10, after falling asleep close to 2:30.  I got to talking to someone about investing in a classic car which I’ve had my eye on.  I am wondering how smart that would be, but it is an investment and a sweet little 1963 Chevy Nova investment it is.  Her name is Goldie, which was the name of the pony I had when I was 5.  I miss Goldie.  Maybe this is a way to close that circle?  

I was coughing like a …person who coughs a lot (I’ve got nothing else).  It’s really gotten to the point where I have to be sure my bladder is always empty or things happen.  I could blame that on the kids – lord knows I’ve tried Kegels to no avail, so why bother.  It still means I pee if I cough too much, no matter whose fault it is.  I got started on my Capstone again and talked to Chuck, a sweet friend from Grad school who is the ICON of what I want to be.  He’s been in this field for 20 years already so words from him are ever-so-helpful because this guy knows what he’s talking about.  In the beginning, I’d just nod and say “yeah” a lot when he’d talk with me, but now I can pick up on what he’s talking about.  I’m “in the know.” <wink wink> .  He did say things that made sense though – mainly that I am new in this and he and Bailey have been doing it a while, so they know.  I need to compare myself to me.

Right around 1:30 I got a call from Ethan saying…”ok, I’m here”  and I , as usual, had been left out of the other party’s plans as to what was going on.  It is times like these where I seethe a bit under my collar, because it is about 2 way conversation.  On the other hand, this means Ethan would be sitting next to me doing his homework and I would be sitting here doing mine, which is one of my favorite Things To Do.  The other party, in his defense, was working on his house and was planning on going down, but in my 97 year old tranny voice, said, “No, it’s ok, I’ll get him and we’ll work on homework” and off I headed with my hot tea and my Depends (not really) (yet).

The boy told me lots of fun stories about his adventures as we headed to the GFs house to grab his school gear, then at home, he showed my videos he had taken of rock climbing.  We could really have such a blast if it wasn’t for all these things like work and school.  We got busy and I managed to get some crucial things down.  Ethan…well…let us just say that until his grades are up to a “C”, his phone is mine.  Sadly, he isn't in flag football anymore, either.

I headed to the store to go grab stuff for more chili (ie more Fritos) and spent time on the phone with my rad neighbor talking about the flop house scenario we have here.  I am the house that always has cars in front of it, sometimes blocking my driveway.  By the time I had purchased the items and returned home, he had moved my trash bins in front of my house, had spoken to the neighbor (the one who was home at the time) and her car was moved from in front of my house.  Yet…someone else… was in ..my…home.  It was Maggie, who had “noticed” my cake picture on Instagram, the 8 mini cup cakes on the living room table (5 of which were gone) and now me walking in with Ben & Jerry Ice cream (Ethan made me get it).  I was busted.  But in my defense, I have been sick for ever and I have needed comfort food recently.

Maggie and I finished her birthday invitations, wrapped things for Heather, I finished The Halls Birthing Book (with lots of inspirational quotes <Hall’s Pep talks> for those pesky times during labor when you want to quit).  I have to call the doctor again as I have been exposed to Whooping Cough..but hopefully the antibiotics from the strep has hopefully granted me a Seal of Safety.

Pictures:  The Halls Birthing Book:  Guaranteed to add "oomph" to anyone's labor!; On of the pages; My Ethan -> Big Red Riding Hood. Yep.; This much (maybe more) Capstone is done.

September 6, 2015

This dream was about our New Morning therapist’s office: We walked in and all of the books and “stuff” was gone – cleared away.  Instead, shelving had been put up to store some items.  My “vagina” sticker was gone, discarded.  It had offended some people, even though it was hidden behind a cup.  <This is where I am confused.  How can vagina or penis offend?  I can understand people who have sexually traumatized, as I myself have been, but it is about working past that and becoming strong again.  Work through the shame..work through the guilt.>  ALL of Jen’s stuff was gone, but fortunately the dream ended before she came to work.  This made me look at a few things.  A ) not attempting to throw my views upon others, rather working delicately with them to a resolution.  B) Ask permission, and C) Be grateful (to the person who had bought the shelves, had cleaned up the room).  I love learning from dreams.

I slept until 1:37.  I had gotten up at 8 and put the dogs out, but then fell right back to sleep.  When I awoke, I took more medicine to make my cough more productive. I have slept so much in the past few days and I am anxious to get out, yet after even one client at work, I’d find myself exhausted.  I’m grateful for this long week-end, a time when I can focus on resting on working on my big paper.

My brain was much more focused today than it was yesterday.  Suddenly all those sentences made sense.  It is still difficult to put this together as I have limited information about the client, but I am hitting a lot more on the head than I did yesterday.  I also notice so much more I should have done, but this was my third client and at that point there was no experience on what to do or what was actually taking place.  I should have talked to teachers.  I had no idea he would be moving at the end of the summer, but talking to his current teachers would have given me much more of a reference point of how this client behaved.  I should have spoken with his doctor, which would have given me more insight on additional diagnosis.  I should have run additional assessments.  Now, this far into the trainee-ship, I see why 3,000 hours are needed before licensure testing, because there is so much learned from experience, but oh, to have that possibility back with that client….

It was time.  I needed to go down the hill for baby-buying, but before doing so I wanted to take the dogs out again. We headed back to the same park, where, lo and behold, the same gate was open that I closed yesterday. There were people here this time and so I leashed the dogs up and we headed up to the field.  I noticed Annie’s tail, wagging delightfully the entire time.  Once we were finished – and oh, my I gave Mabi a workout – we headed to Target where I was able to look at the baby registry and got A)  a nursing bra for mom B) pretty barrettes and a hair band for big sister and C) a baby nightgown that you don’t have to snap or button for those 4 a.m. feedings/diaper changes when you are so tired your eyelids won’t even open to figure out which button goes where.  I haven’t yet made the Labor Book, with inspiration sayings from the Halls wrappers I’ve saved, but it’s on the list of Things To Do.

 

I wonder if I get any credit from Jake for all this coughing I am doing.  I think my abs are getting quite toned from it.  My tranny voice has become a whisper, as I think laryngitis has crept into the picture.   It’s really tricky whispering “ANNIE!!!” from one end of a field to a dog who is happily sniffing away….

Pics 'n flicks:  Mabi jumps for the frisbee (she caught it!); The ever unlatched gate; I love the form & color of this tree; Annie and her ever-wagging tail.

September 5, 2015

I had the neatest dream about Barbara Morrison (Ma Comatose), Her husband Brad (Pa Comatose), their sons Ben & Alex  (The Brothers Comatose) and the rest of the band.  The boys were in a Saturday morning cartoon about their band and those rascally adventures a bluegrass band finds itself on, and Barbara was head of a shark pool (a huge, huge, cavernous place) with a shallow section for kindergartners and a deeper section for larger kids and adult-like people such as myself.  Initially I fed the sharks (by hand, underwater) the chicken snacks (akin to Scooby snacks) in the shallow end, so after Barbara and Brad scolded me properly, I went in the deep end where I fed "Longstein", the most social of the male sharks.  It was great fun.  Then I woke up and life wasn’t quite as enjoyable.

It isn’t that life isn’t fun it is why do  I continue sliding this continual path to un-wellness?  I remember feeling that first inkling of a sore throat in Calpine which was a month ago this weekend.  Odd…it feels like it’s been years.  

I sat in bed most of the day and looked at words such as “the evidence supports interpreting the outcomes of multi-informant assessments as reflections of contextual blah-blah-blah…”  thinking, if I can’t understand this in English, how the fuck am I supposed to understand in German?  This is really what I said.  I am not adding the word’ fuck” to impress anyone.

At 6:30 I was going nuts, so I took the dogs and we headed to out park, where there were humans, so we went to the other field -the one behind my current work place.  I love how life keeps weaving these places in my life, such as when I looked at jobs in Switzerland today and noticed positions for the sanitarium we always passed on our way to school in Kilchberg.  Dogs played some hoops and then I’d throw the ball in the field.  Mabi was soon tired, but Annie just kept running, exploring as Mabi rested.  These two are as different as my human children.  I have four distinct personalities – 2 different humans and 2 different canines.  

I am a concerned about my boy.  He is dropping the homework again.  How do I get this kid to invest in his life?  Skills and habit need to be learned and the thing is, it doesn’t get easier the older you get <look at me…shining example>.  Not sure…any suggestions or magic solutions would be appreciated.  Something else.  I notice that when I am with people I do not know, I must appear very stuck up….  I’m not a “smiler” and say-whatever-I-can-just-to-make-noise “Oh! Look at you , you are looking terrific!!” <kiss on cheek, big hug>  Or “Oh, I just can’t believe the  blah-blah-blah” <adorable chuckle>  I was thinking about when I was at Harlow’s sitting in the back room with the bands – one of whom I know, but am really not friends with and another band I had just met.  I just sat there and listened.  Another woman who was in there knew all the right things to say, kissed on the cheeks, hugged guys, etc.  I can’t do that.  Why is this bothering me?  Why am I writing about it here?  I have no idea..maybe it’s that Ethan and I are so similar in that way – we watch and process.  I can’t make false conversation if it doesn’t interest me or just to fit in.  I dunno, that’s all I have.  

Pictures: My girl was so ready to play.  I feel a great deal of guilt as I am not active enough with her;  Her froggy sit;  Ready for the ball!;  This gate is open and unlatched every time I come here.  That says a lot to me....