June 24, 2015

After a morning of printing out High Sierra tickets and negotiating meeting/parking places at the Dead concert,  I showered and headed in a little earlier to work on my long day.  The group of therapists here amaze me.  Going to work means discussing topics I love.  What’s better than that?

Group supervision, then studying up on different theories which I like – ordering more books – and then racing off to get some food for group tonight before my client showed up.  Considering my love of food, my creativity skills in picking out snacks is getting worse every week.  Soon I’ll end up going with a sack of apples (it’s getting that bad).  I ran into someone who had recently retired from the high school and she asked me if I was still there - I told her I had submitted my resignation a few days ago.  Yep - I'm doing this therapist thing "fer reals."

I was near the AT&T store.  I've been getting texts recently on what seems to me to be almost an hourly basis.  75% data used, 90% data used, 100% data used and I knew it couldn’t be me, so they showed me how The Boy went over our data plan in the first 13 days AND how to shut his data off, which I did.  It’ll automatically turn on again after the next billing cycle.  Unless that kid decides to earn some money (like Maggie does) to pay for his data – this is how it’s going to be.

On that topic, however – he is miserable in San Diego and wants to come back.  Maggie is having a blast and doesn’t want to leave (yin/yang).  He talks to me and/or texts me, while Mags is too busy having fun to do so.  Ahhh – the sullen teen years.  Gotta love it.

Group went well – Dara and I co-facilitated while Jen is in Virginia.  It amazes me that I am on that side of the desk – giving, rather than attending.  I’m excited for my books to show up so I can start studying and learning again, on my own terms.  But FIRST – I NEED to get this house in order – what an elephant in the middle of the room.  When I’m back from vacation I may hire someone to help me clean/organize.  

Pictures:  Inuit Dude - he brings me joy; The El Dorado County mining records I saw as I picked up Maggie's birth certificate; My solar yard decoration tonigh as I got home from work; 

June 23, 2015

Yesterday’s realization sat in my soul like a two-ton heavy thing.  Suddenly so many actions, decisions, and choices were brutally clear to me and I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that this is a piece of information I have carried with me my entire life – no “blocked memories” or anything of the sort.  All these years, so many people made comments to me about suspicions revolving an event having taken place in my past and there it was, the entire time, in the great wide open.  

Still, yesterday greatr things happened:  I managed to get all the remaining documents I need from my side and was able to locate document numbers for L to get his divorce records from his previous marriage.  I also wrote the Swiss consulate about all of the records from marriage to my first husband – it hopefully won’t be necessary – Switzerland will have to decide when I reapply for the passport.  

This morning I felt I was 4 steps behind for much of the day – I misplaced my calendar from the start, resulting in the constant attempts to get caught up, a tricky feat to manage when you’re somewhat lost, anyway in learning new <complicated> computer/paperwork.   Each file open with unfinished aspects, constantly behind.  Supervision, Intake, group, client.  And in between, colleagues helped me look for my calendar.  It was finally found – thank god – and then I was able to be behind in other ways!

Finally…close to 7 with only the clinical director in the office, I finished up and decided it was time to head home.  I stopped off for some soup (which is actually great in 90 degree weather) and came home to find the remnants of my missing W-2s from January.  USPS heartily apologized and assured me they would try better.  I watched The Office – sad to see the series coming to a close (after it’s been off the air for years, I know, but I am a late bloomer).   My scratchy eyes are in pain, but an eye appointment was  made today for Friday morning with an ophthalmologist as something is amiss.  I hope it’ll be ok – the Dead concert is the next day.

Great news – friends are going to HSMF (though I’ll have to miss Wednesday due to group that night) and friends are going to the Dead show Saturday – so once ago, I will not be alone in my aloneness.  This also means that (holy shit, Batman), we leave in 2 weeks for Costa Rica.  This is my first “real” vacation with my kids since going to Mexico with my dad 6 years ago and I saw today that I really do well with one.  I feel somewhat spoiled in saying that, since I feel I get a break often by going on adventure for a couple of days but this will be so magical for my tribe.  Can’t wait. 

Pictures: Sand tray - A lone ship floating on a sea of sand; My desk!!!; Vacation approved.

June 22, 2015

I awoke early this morning, - 5:50.  In classic form, I took this as an opportunity to get started and write up a case study.  I crept in quietly to get coffee, trying not to wake dogs who sat, crated, on the other side of the wall, but I mentally I could see Mabi and her eyes...and then, I heard a tail.  Hmmm.  Mabi doesn't have a tail.  Then I thought of Annie, who does.  I read a bit, sipped some coffee and then, because I could, I lay back down again, with so much appreciation that it was summer.  I hugged the cool pillow, my thoughts grateful, because a pillow is so cool to the touch..it doesn't snore or jostle the bed, and I was content.

My thoughts  took a sharp dive south however, when, without reason or warning, my mind traveled back to when I was eight and a dark closet with a family friend.  He was a few years older than I and was, by all accounts, one of my dearest people.  Still...an eight year old, no matter how "mature" shouldn't be doing that  and suddenly my heart fell as my head put together the pieces - yes, after all these years -that I was a child who took part in sexual acts.  I can't use the word "victim" - it wasn't an adverse circumstance, but it was definitely something I experienced: the kissing, touching,  the groping.  I didn't experience any sexual feeling and thought it to be rather pointless and stupid but I remember thinking, "this is what grown-ups do," so I complied and looked forward to it.  It lasted many months...and when it ended,  it just..ended.   
 
This person had been a best friend to me - we played Star Wars together (we re-enacted the Han Solo/Princess Leia scene so many times). And that is what shocks me.  I was 8-9  years old.  I was in third grade, yet, I cannot lay any blame on anyone.  He was 3 years older, I believe, without a malicious bone in his body. I have thought about this all day long.  Were there any consequences?  Well, let's see:

After this - though I draw no correlation - I read my mother's Cosmopolitan magazines and knew far more about sex than I should have; I had no business knowing about G spots from a magazine whose demographic is women 18 years or older when I was 10. I read my mother's book "The Joy of Sex" as well as another ( I can't remember the name) book on sexuality. I  remember the drunk former-mayor of my dad's village trying to shove his tongue down my 11 year old mouth as my dad stood there, unknowingly watching and having an adult cousin creep me out big time when I was around 12.   I  lost my virginity at 15 - no regrets - and I was involved in a sexually violent relationship in my early 20s which involved a great deal of rape.   After that, I prayed for an impotent man to be in my life, and was..somehow..granted my wish.  It didn't matter to me that I was his 7th wife - the bottom line is I wouldn't have to give of myself - which was all I wanted.  Eventually, I met a man who could tell when I "went to that dark place" and would stop.  He was very sensitive to my needs, even when I ignored them.  Our marriage didn't last, either, though we remain good friends.

Sex and sexuality are very fluid:  It can happen without any concept of intent been attached to such young individuals. I'm a fairly intelligent woman and I put the pieces of this together this morning after thirty-something years. 
Did this affect my sex life?  I do not know.  There are so many variables and picking out one specific "reason" I turned out the way I did is impossible.  I have occasionally enjoyed sex very much and think there is a whole "world" attached to sexuality which I wish to explore one day - perhaps.

I am currently single and very celibate.  I have no interest in a "hook up" or one night stand because I still feel that sex can be very special and thus I wait.  It may never happen and that's ok, too.

 I am very open and honest with my kids about sex because I don't want them going to other sources for information the way I did. I have always spoken to them about sex, normalizing it while maintaining it's specialty as the act of love that I believe it to be.   Am I angry at that person?  Absolutely not!  As mentioned before, there was no ill will on his part.  But this is what happens when kids are left unsupervised..they explore - often each other.

This isn't how I planned my 5-a-Day, but Life happens and I don't shy away from experiences. And no - no case study was written.

June 21, 2015

I felt every bit of that pint of ice cream Ben & Jerry made me eat last night as I awoke:  My arms were bloated and poofy (my belly has long become numb to feeling that sort of change).  If I could get rid of the last 5 hours of the day, I would wither away…it’s those late night callings which do me in.  

I wrote to a friend who had attended the memorial service of our late principal at AISZ – and her response lit the fire which fuels me when I begin doubting the ability to move to Switzerland.  She mentioned networking and finding the right people I can talk to about finding a job.  I also chatted with a friend who is living her dream right now in Spain – who understands better than most the passion about living in Europe.  I’m excited – the possibilities ABOUND!!  I must keep doing what is best for me here…so that I can go there.

I saw a post that got me thinking:  food (of course, what did you expect?)  Chef Keith Breedlove friend-requested me a few months ago through a mutual FB friend and I have been following his burgers (and his posted thoughts) ever since.  For some reason, today was the day;  I found out his location (West Sac) and headed down.   I WAS SO EXCITED!!  More about meeting him and his truck-partner, Amy, than the food, but the food was a GREAT backup!! I pulled in, parked and TOTALLY forgot me “code line” which was for me to say “So – is it good?”  Then he was to respond, “No, I’m just cooking it as a dare.” (This was what I suggested he say when a customer asked him if a particular burger was good…).  Let me tell you what – he whipped up a Brussel Sprout (YES!  What I dislike more than anything!) which I LOVED!! The French fires (don’t laugh) were whipped up with some kind of fancy special Magic Powers mix which made them  beyond delicious and the burger was heavenly…beyond heavenly!  I ate it in the comfort of my car under a huge tree in a business park.  After, I needed a second part, so I decided to head to IKEA to pick up a duvet cover for Ethan.  He has out-grown the polka dot cover I got him 7 years ago.  

 

IKEA is a store which brings me back to Europe. It is very European (could be the Swedish history of the store, I realize…) in set-up and style and the items.  Of course, there are many other stores in Europe which have different styles and types of wares they sell, but as a whole, this style is quite common I have found.  To top it off, they have a floor which will always make me think of the old floor in Zürich airport.  I’m not sure if Zürich still has it, but I will never forget seeing that black floor with raised circles as a child.  Universe is showing me signs…:  I have also now, two days in a row, seen an RV in Placerville with a sticker from Canton Bern.  I am reading your signs, Universe – loud and clear.

I got back home and needed to take off the Birks.  I think all this arch support is knocking my poor body off too much.  My back is hurting and I know it is from the shoes.  Hopefully a few hours each day will help readjust, but it may be too late.  My body is going to hurt something fierce when I’m older.  I got some laundry going and got right back to cleaning the house and setting aside for our yard sale.  Laundry wasn’t going to fold itself, so I attacked that basket of socks and whatnots, throwing a bunch of stuff out that is unmatchable.  Hey – I’m all about the single life, but not if you’re just going to sit there.  

Pictures:  The magical floor of IKEA; The Gamora burger by Keith Breedlove; Wearing the cowboy hat from Texas one more time.  I got it when I visited my dad the last time, but I've never worn it.  Happy Father's Day, Papi.  I miss you.

June 20, 2015

In my dream last night, I was in a most horrific car accident - and I reacted with such horror that my back twisted painfully as I leapt from my sleeping position in bed.  I saw the car, the lights, I felt the air, heard the metal tear after the brakes screamed.  It took me a good hour to fall asleep again.  I wonder if that's how I'll remember my accident.... I awoke in a great deal of pain, however.  Common, but not fun.

After my coffee, I started working in the back yard. I attacked the pythons of blackberries, except these had teeth disguised as thorns.  I managed to make it without being lunged upon as my pythons usually do.  My anorexic back yard looks so sad without green grass.

I had a bus appointment at 1:30, delivering Lizzie  and the new stereo.  While installation took place, I went to REI with my $100 gift card from Olivia.  I couldn't find a damn thing.  The clothes are ridiculous: $70+ dollars for clothes made by the same folks who make "cheap" clothes.  Such bullshit.  Sunglasses?  I just bought 2 pair at Target.  I came close to buying a dishwasher stand for $49, but why?  I'll use a bucket.  So my card is unused...maybe next time.  Headed over to Ulta for the ONE makeup item I by there..and they no longer carry it.  Of course not.  So back to Best Buy and their clusters of staff who congregate freely with each other yet I usually have a difficult time finding someone to help me.  Bus was ready and after about 15 attempts to sync Bluetooth, It Was Done.   It was great listening to Led Zeppelin on the way back up (did I mention it took days <literally> to get the Mazda hooked up?  Tech hates me and the feeling is mutual).



I dropped by HD to buy an 18 v battery for the recip saw...I have plans to cut up the pallets.  After a bit of a hiccup, I did well until my John- Dillenger-melting-off-of-the-fingerprints when I touched the blade.  I should think first.  The blade snapped off as I was finishing a pallet, so I took that as A Sign to stop.  I took the pups for a walk as a cooked brown rice, then I made some Indian food for dinner.   After changing Violet's substrate, I grabbed the headlamp and some water, and we headed into them thar hills.

As mentioned before, I should think first.  I zip into those tiny little dirt roads in the Mazda as if she is a 4-wheel-drive and could easily get stuck.  There was a precarious moment in a very steep area, but we made it out.   My night hike plans ended up being a Mosquito-dinner-time hike. They consumed my blood voraciously.  Still, I was determined.  And quickly,  disgusted.  Goddamn target shooters!  Clean up your fucking mess!  I am so disgusted by these people and the messes left are why.  You can't clean up your damn trash and then whine like a sissy when it is insinuated that you aren't responsible.  Proof is in the pudding, asshole.  I watched the moon appear with Venus and Jupiter, forming a beautiful triangle.  There's a message in that, you know....

Pictures - In Classic Ali form, the pictures won't go where I am trying to place them, so enjoy them on the (mostly) right side tonight:  Gift card from Olivia - my sister rocks; The night sky; Lizzie getting her tunes installed; The circle of life, tarantula substrate form - from tank, to keeping Daisy happy; The "glory" of our 2nd amendment and the biggest reason why I'm a tree-hugger.

June 19, 2015

With a little bit of “Ooomph” and a lot a bit of dread, I stepped on that scale: 75.2 kilos (Which sounds much nicer than pounds).  I was quite sad…this means I need to lose 11 kilos to be at my preferred weight.  Before you go whipping out the calculators, I weigh 167 pounds and would like to be around 144.  I have 25 pounds of nachos and cranberry crunch stored in my lower region (which at this point in life includes my breasts).  

I headed to work in the bus, wearing my Birkenstocks, feeling quite happy and content. How could I not??  Wild Cherry was telling me to lay down the boogie and then I was “rising up, back on the street, taking my time, taking my chances.”  All it takes for happiness is MUSIC, PEOPLE!!!  With ten minutes to spare (I knew my client would be a little late) I signed in to my computer, looking up articles when she arrived.  I have to say that today – sitting there during therapy, a little piece of “you know what you’re doing!” appeared and I liked it – I liked it very much.  After session, I wrote out my first computer prog notes (!!) and was thrilled to bits with my co-workers.  Now.  About the gym.  One of the ladies at the agency is a Zumba queen, so I asked her about the gyms she works in.  She said she could get me a much better deal, but then left.  So, no gym membership today as promised, but I will get active today and absolutelypositivelyswearnot to eat a cupcake.  I dropped by German Auto Werks so we (Lizzie and I) could get a new gas cap (sad face – there are no originals made anymore) for $36 (*!!!*).  Drew put the cap on, we chuckled over funny superficial comments and I headed off to get gas, then had to turn back around and go  to Drew because I couldn’t get the damn thing off <my hand bones (see post from a few days ago) could not twist the cap off as it was on so tightly due to the new gasket>  It took  Drew quite a bit, too, so I will just have to be that damsel in distress and ask for help.  Man, I hate that.

Headed home quickly to change and grab diving credentials for the kids and drove to meet Jim and Melinda by the river in Sacramento.  On the way, I stopped to see about the stereo for Lizzie: I was told I should exchange it for one with a USB port, yet it turns out the one I have actually has a USB port discreetly hidden, so I asked about an appointment and a mini power amp.  It would have coast me an extra $300 with everything the guy was throwing in, so I decided to just have the stereo installed and I’ll go from there.   Once I got to the river, Jim got busy.  The kids still had a great deal of signing needed to get their PADI cards.  For now (And in CR) they’ll have the temporary ones, but that’s ok.  I was hungry, but knew Chevy’s wouldn’t be wise for me, so I stopped (again) at Curry Club and this time got Chicken Curry.  SOSOSO good!!!  And curry is very healthy, so yay, me!

Listening to the Giants, and feeling soooo sleepy, I got home and…put on my shorts and tennis shoes, grabbed the leashes and we drove to a trailhead by the American River.  The land was so damn beautiful I was easily reminded of a lithograph I had bought from a local artist.  Gently rolling hills and the warm caresses from the Sun’s hands.  The Hips were serenading me, as they have been since last week’s Calpine event <which was MAGIC!>   I am thrilled there will be a second Dust Up.  I don’t want to miss that.

At home, I <did NOT eat a cupcake>  drew a bath…added some delicious smelling bubble bath and soaked while reading The Alchemist.  Such a delightful novel on methods and manners which I used to employee in my everyday life – being aware, listening to what Life was telling me.  Life does speak to us, you know.  Everyday.  Sometimes with the gentlest of whispers, other times with the harshest of screams.  Many don’t listen, or simply ignore what they hear.  I’ve tried for much of the latter half of my life (from parts of the twenties on up) to be aware and to raise my kids with this.  It’s such a gift to be able to listen to what Life is sharing with you.

Pictures:  Hike pictures - first, of course, is Poison Oak.  Thank you, Mother Hips, I'm still so mad I lost that video.

June 18, 2015

 There were so many voices in my head last night: “You should check to make sure your passport is current!” (I  had already looked before), “You need to get the diving docs finished” “ “What about clothes?  You have nothing – no shorts, no summer clothes” “Remember to find the number for what’s-her-name” “The kids must be having a blast – you haven’t heard much from them” “Should you move to Switzerland?”  “You need to help L find his divorce docs so you can renew your Swiss passport”.  It was nuts – I must’ve been up past three, easily.   The icky warm morning air woke me again – I miss winter.

 

This morning I was bound and determined to GET SHIT DONE, so I cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the brooms and brushes, got some stuff organized.  All this yard sale stuff piled into the living room really makes me flench (new word!), but where else can I keep it?  Once the kids and I get back from CR, we will have a yard sale to pay off some of the credit card bills we will have accumulated.  Doing this after the fact will motivate us more (scientifically proven).

I had a 2 o’clock group, so I took the pups to the park and ran them to their heart’s content, showered and headed to group.  There was good news regarding their pay (I work for free, so it didn’t affect me) and it was nice to have everyone happy again.  The group facilitator wasn’t there, so after my computer passwords were reinstalled and everything was good, I left on My Mission – to find a bikini top that fits me.  Here’s the deal:  Women are bigger, therefore breasts are bigger.  WHY AREN’T THERE BIGGER BIKINI TOPS?   Many have us have moved past the 13 year old boobs.  I went to three separate places before I found bikini tops with D cup tops (and these were even a stretch for me, which is weird, because my boobs really aren’t that big, they’re just “grown up”).  I have half a mind to get in touch with some bra companies, see if they can’t change the material to beachwear material, and start selling bras as bikini tops.  We have a hell of a lot more selection in the intimates sections - and don’t think I didn’t consider this.

After my mission was completed, I headed off to the Indian Bazaar to pick up some Indian foods for home.  I am going to start learning how to make curries and then headed to the Curry House for dinner.  Raji was my server – and the meal was soul-shaking….  Such rich Tikka Masala – holyhellwow.  Headed to Target to return an swimsuit top I bought last week which hadn’t fit and then spent $30 on lightbulbs fir this ridiculous house in which the landlord has 7 variations of lightbulbs, none of which are inexpensive.  I also got some fans in preparation for High Sierra.

Now I’m home and I just finished my second treat.  Here is the next deal:  This shit has got to stop.  Clearly I can’t switch eating for sex, so I’ll hafta switch it for exercise.  Tomorrow I am going down to that stupid gym and I will sign up so I can get this body back into the shape it was 3 years ago before school.  I am tired of the depression it brings.  So – following the lead of someone I know who has taken an incredible journey – I will weigh myself tomorrow and post that tomorrow night to hold myself accountable.  These cupcakes have to find someone else to eat them (although I do get  nachos once a week before group - that's also a scientifically proven fact).

Pictures: The young crescent moon, Jupiter and Venus; My D cup adventure...I hate shopping for clothes; They may not spray you anymore, but those Macy's ladies piled me up with men's cologne.  Mmmmm...; Patchouli in Hindi - I have a big box full of incense; My two sweets and a Dwight Schrute-like car.