October 29, 2015

A soft, gentle awakening slammed solid by that damn alarm.    Who creates these things?  I used to have an alarm app which began very softly and got increasingly louder, but it was a very soothing sound.  It’s called Sleep Cycle Alarm Clock by Northcube AB.  I think I’ll load it up again.    After my wake up – I called that guy from long ago.  I had told him I would give him a call yesterday or the day before and the time has simply escaped me.   I remember those days  long ago – it was after my head-injury that I got to know him, so my self-esteem was minimal.  I recollect we were at the mall one day, sitting next to each other at a table and a friend walked up to me and we spoke.  She asked me who I was seeing and I said “No one” and he jerked his head and looked at me – “No one?” he asked, with a look of confusion on his face.  “Am I?” I asked in return, because…I didn’t think he would like someone like me – I didn't believe I was worth being cared about by someone like him.  I believe, if memory serves me correctly, we talked it over later that day, yet I’m still someone who needs a rather blunt statement from someone if there are feelings for me or I simply file their kindness/interest away as “they are a really nice person.”

Therapy.  Last day  - last hour of my trainee-mandated personal therapy.  T’was a very lovely session.  I was asked about if there is someone in my life – and I said no, there wasn’t time.  She asked if I would want someone, I said not what I have experienced in the past (not that they weren’t lovely gentlemen).  I would like a partner: someone who shares the relationship, is willing to work on it, shares my loves and passions (so we have something in common), but has his own life.  Honestly, I’m not sure I want to live with someone again.  I like my bed – my room, my house.  Then she mentioned something very interesting which I hadn’t considered but is very true:  a relationship is a mirror of who we are, so it is quite possible I do not want to see that reflection right now.  Deep thoughts, yet right now, there is also Switzerland, so I don’t want anyone getting in the way of that.  As I drove away, I thought…”Huh.  Now it’s over.”  Just like that.

Got home and the next thing on the Priority List was looking for a house on line again, which I did.  I called them   I called them and then I called the vet.  The dog named Annie was doing that scooting thing so I wanted an appointment.  After a call, message, call backs, call again for a question I forgot to ask, message again, call back again, I headed to the vet right then and there with two very excited dogs (especially Annie, who is still unable to control her enthusiasm).  She was seemingly less excited with an inserted finger in a personal area, despite the lube.  I can honestly say I am very, very grateful that as humans, we do not have anal glands which may need to be expressed.  It would be horrific. 

It wasn’t long til I went to look at a house, which was absolutely amazing – it had a cool basement room with a Murphy bed that Ethan would love – but…it had no washed/dryer or fridge and I really don’t want to buy those.  I was told about a house that had very few interested people in it, so I checked that out after stopping by the school.  I’ll discuss that in a  second.  So…The Boy.  Things have been going somewhat south with him again.  He does little to no work at school (which means it is all saved up for when he is with me) and his attitude is somewhat sucky in terms of him being a teen and pushing envelopes and being a smartass (“keep your feet of the ___” so he holds them inches above the ___), but…this is normal for a teen.  What concerns me is if the behavior correlating with him being at his dad’s…so it next week he will be watched to see what his attitude is like then.  He is a sensitive, empathic  kid..he picks up on 'things' and 'things' at his dad’s house are not what the adults try to make it appear like.  Ethan quite probably sees this.  I could be wrong, but I’m interested to see what next week is like.

 I looked at the other home.  I couldn’t go inside (I did look through the windows though), but Oh.My.God.  It is like a lovely Japanese Zen-zone.  There is a fireplace/stove-thingie and an indoor fire pit – Japanese maple floors, a gas stove, a fridge, washer/dryer (it says on description and I say the stove).  The back has a trampoline!!  The only issue is the hardwood floor and their nails.  Granted – they are small dogs, even for their breeds (we somehow ended up with two runts), but I’m still concerned.  We will end up where we belong, though.  The man showing me the home says it should be able to find a place no problem because I have a lot of time left.  After this dinner at a very inexpensive sushi place in Cameron Park which was quite good, and then home.   I packed more – the place is slowly clearing out. I need to do quite a few more trips and then leave the big stuff for when I move into a place.  I get to use the storage facility's moving truck for one day, so hopefully, if my planning goes as desired, I can use the moving truck to load the bookcases, beds, table into the truck, drop these things off at New Place, load some boxes to the New Place from storage, then call it a day.  I also made a lot of progress in getting rid of memories:  I threw away those letters, notes cards I have been holding onto from The Him for over 20 years…I got rid of the journals I kept (after the accident) about the breakup from The Him…I got rid of SO MUCH STUFF!  As Anne said, I have all the memories I need….the good ones, the nice ones, those which bring me joy.  I don’t need to re-read how fucked up and angry I was 25 years ago.  It is time to Let It Go ….

Pictures:  Notes from Switzerland - I can never get rid of these, they are joyful; An "A"hole...right there in class.  Tatjana is such fun; Etan's early happy drawings; Maggie's early "china" drawing; The Zen House.