October 29, 2015

A soft, gentle awakening slammed solid by that damn alarm.    Who creates these things?  I used to have an alarm app which began very softly and got increasingly louder, but it was a very soothing sound.  It’s called Sleep Cycle Alarm Clock by Northcube AB.  I think I’ll load it up again.    After my wake up – I called that guy from long ago.  I had told him I would give him a call yesterday or the day before and the time has simply escaped me.   I remember those days  long ago – it was after my head-injury that I got to know him, so my self-esteem was minimal.  I recollect we were at the mall one day, sitting next to each other at a table and a friend walked up to me and we spoke.  She asked me who I was seeing and I said “No one” and he jerked his head and looked at me – “No one?” he asked, with a look of confusion on his face.  “Am I?” I asked in return, because…I didn’t think he would like someone like me – I didn't believe I was worth being cared about by someone like him.  I believe, if memory serves me correctly, we talked it over later that day, yet I’m still someone who needs a rather blunt statement from someone if there are feelings for me or I simply file their kindness/interest away as “they are a really nice person.”

Therapy.  Last day  - last hour of my trainee-mandated personal therapy.  T’was a very lovely session.  I was asked about if there is someone in my life – and I said no, there wasn’t time.  She asked if I would want someone, I said not what I have experienced in the past (not that they weren’t lovely gentlemen).  I would like a partner: someone who shares the relationship, is willing to work on it, shares my loves and passions (so we have something in common), but has his own life.  Honestly, I’m not sure I want to live with someone again.  I like my bed – my room, my house.  Then she mentioned something very interesting which I hadn’t considered but is very true:  a relationship is a mirror of who we are, so it is quite possible I do not want to see that reflection right now.  Deep thoughts, yet right now, there is also Switzerland, so I don’t want anyone getting in the way of that.  As I drove away, I thought…”Huh.  Now it’s over.”  Just like that.

Got home and the next thing on the Priority List was looking for a house on line again, which I did.  I called them   I called them and then I called the vet.  The dog named Annie was doing that scooting thing so I wanted an appointment.  After a call, message, call backs, call again for a question I forgot to ask, message again, call back again, I headed to the vet right then and there with two very excited dogs (especially Annie, who is still unable to control her enthusiasm).  She was seemingly less excited with an inserted finger in a personal area, despite the lube.  I can honestly say I am very, very grateful that as humans, we do not have anal glands which may need to be expressed.  It would be horrific. 

It wasn’t long til I went to look at a house, which was absolutely amazing – it had a cool basement room with a Murphy bed that Ethan would love – but…it had no washed/dryer or fridge and I really don’t want to buy those.  I was told about a house that had very few interested people in it, so I checked that out after stopping by the school.  I’ll discuss that in a  second.  So…The Boy.  Things have been going somewhat south with him again.  He does little to no work at school (which means it is all saved up for when he is with me) and his attitude is somewhat sucky in terms of him being a teen and pushing envelopes and being a smartass (“keep your feet of the ___” so he holds them inches above the ___), but…this is normal for a teen.  What concerns me is if the behavior correlating with him being at his dad’s…so it next week he will be watched to see what his attitude is like then.  He is a sensitive, empathic  kid..he picks up on 'things' and 'things' at his dad’s house are not what the adults try to make it appear like.  Ethan quite probably sees this.  I could be wrong, but I’m interested to see what next week is like.

 I looked at the other home.  I couldn’t go inside (I did look through the windows though), but Oh.My.God.  It is like a lovely Japanese Zen-zone.  There is a fireplace/stove-thingie and an indoor fire pit – Japanese maple floors, a gas stove, a fridge, washer/dryer (it says on description and I say the stove).  The back has a trampoline!!  The only issue is the hardwood floor and their nails.  Granted – they are small dogs, even for their breeds (we somehow ended up with two runts), but I’m still concerned.  We will end up where we belong, though.  The man showing me the home says it should be able to find a place no problem because I have a lot of time left.  After this dinner at a very inexpensive sushi place in Cameron Park which was quite good, and then home.   I packed more – the place is slowly clearing out. I need to do quite a few more trips and then leave the big stuff for when I move into a place.  I get to use the storage facility's moving truck for one day, so hopefully, if my planning goes as desired, I can use the moving truck to load the bookcases, beds, table into the truck, drop these things off at New Place, load some boxes to the New Place from storage, then call it a day.  I also made a lot of progress in getting rid of memories:  I threw away those letters, notes cards I have been holding onto from The Him for over 20 years…I got rid of the journals I kept (after the accident) about the breakup from The Him…I got rid of SO MUCH STUFF!  As Anne said, I have all the memories I need….the good ones, the nice ones, those which bring me joy.  I don’t need to re-read how fucked up and angry I was 25 years ago.  It is time to Let It Go ….

Pictures:  Notes from Switzerland - I can never get rid of these, they are joyful; An "A"hole...right there in class.  Tatjana is such fun; Etan's early happy drawings; Maggie's early "china" drawing; The Zen House.

October 26, 2015

Mornings have changed so much since the kids have created their own routines.  It isn’t as hurried, as rushed, we all do our own thing. Today, we grooved a little to some Bob Marley, then we left. On the way - The Weeknd's song "Can't Feel My Face" came on, which I absolute adore because it has such  a great beat.  I told the kids from the get-go that it was about cocaine,  but then I sing and dance to it every time, like a Solid Gold dancer, minus the gold Lamé.  Maggie giggled and said that of all the pop song, I love the one about drugs. I like these kids.  I know everyone loves their kids, but I like mine, too.  I think they are really responsible, good kids with character and integrity.  I like that. 

After I got back, I started house-hunting. It’s a bit worrisome, considering that I’ve been looking for a few weeks, there aren’t new listings popping up.  This could cause troubles.  The site I signed for after talking to Josh Friday night showed me one I hadn’t seen on the webpage, so I called.  It was nearby, so I left to go look at it – it was…almost perfect.  Well, location wise, yes – it’s in a nearby valley, there’s a lovely tree in the back.  I hugged the tree. I talked to it.  I also ate some cherry tomatoes which had been forgotten.  I’ll cross fingers and tour it tomorrow..  I dropped by The Bookery to sell back my 54 philosophy books and many others.  It hurts my heart, but.... At home I called about another house, but they told me I was $432 short of making three times as much income to qualify.  I said thanks and hung up – didn’t even think about child support, so I’ll call them back tomorrow.  It’s good to get on as many lists as possible.  It wasn’t long before it was time to head off to school.  Scratch that, personal therapy (it’s near my school).  As I drove I listened to the Ted Talks Radio Hour and the topic was… OpenSource, which I appreciate very much.  It’s the sharing of ideas and helping one another – it is the collective instead of the individual.  I think about before the Internet and what Life Was Like – we went to a library, we looked in Encyclopedias or books for information, we talked to librarians.  Now, we go to our laptops.  I miss the Dewey Decimal System and writing out reports by hand.  The sense of accomplishment seemed different because it was more time-consuming to gather facts.  Now it is done with the touch of a hand. It's good, of course, but it's also helped quell our collectivism - we can now do it all ourselves.  This part I don't like so much. 

Therapy was interesting.  It always is.  This woman digs and analyses, which I like to do, myself.  Connect G to A somehow…think until you see the connection.  Today – I told her of my constant “never finished”, always feeling I’m running behind.  There is something behind me, like a light over my head and it pushes me forward.  It guides me – because I’m not sure where I’m going, only that I’m not finished yet – far from it.  I will never be one of those who is satisfied…I have to continue.  She asked me if I’m running away from something to go to CH – no, I’m not.  I’ve asked myself that very question, but I’m not running from, I’m running to.  Off to school then to drop off hours and I saw Wendy.  Talked to her for a while, which is so nice.  She made a good suggestion.  Talk to L- the kids can stay in the old house and I'll sleep in the bus.  Sounds good to me;  All I need is an extension cord and I'm good.  Then Weber showed up.  Poor guy...he thought he was done with me and here I am, 5 days later.  I asked if he offered a doctorate degree and he said no.  Humph.  No more school with some favorite people.

 

Headed home and the single plume of smoke I'd seen became two and one was massive - I checked on scanner-nothing - but an odd audio interference.   I checked Yubanet once I got home nothing there, either.  I kept looking and saw it was a prescribed burn.  I guess The Powers That Be are fairly confident we will have rain Wednesday.  

 Packed up the bus a bit after talking to a neighbor.  She saw the sign, the packing.  It'll be so sad leaving this neighborhood: Brent, Sandy, Terry, Stephanie, Steve, Carol, Bill and Judy.  What an incredible group of people.  Lizzie and I headed back to storage.  My heart has been heavy since getting home earlier and I'm not sure why.  Such a sorrow within, I feel as if I've been weeping all day.  Being in Lizzie cheered me up, though. This bus is a friend to me, which is really weird.  One drop off to storage and then I needed peanut butter, so to the store I went…and there they were: cranberries.  My world just exploded (I had written to Jake earlier today asking if he had divorced me since I wasn’t there but I was packing up/moving my whole house so did that count as weights?)  He had responded as I was entering the store, assuring me all was good and yes, moving a house solo counts as weights.  Universe has a wicked sense of humor.  **This is the severity of my love life** When I posted a picture of the cranberries and wrote “it happened” a friend 2,000 miles away thought I meant sex.  I responded no…that (my chance for sex) was hit by an asteroid, the Sun was blocked, and it (my chance) had  died.  Silver lining: I really don’t even need to shave my legs in the summer. 

 I bought all the necessities for CC and some scented candles.  Dessert and candles:  My world really has exploded.  At home, I easily and effortlessly made the cranberry crunch then soaked in the tub for a bit.  My back is hurting a lot.  I really am foolish in moving these boxes alone yet I’m not sure I’ll ever learn.

In honor of OpenSource, here is the recipe I created many years ago.  I've held onto this recipe only sharintg it with two parties who were sworn to secrecy,  hoping someday I could do something with it, like be on Good Morning America with Joan and Charlie, but that clearly won't happen.  If YOU end up on Good Morning America, will you at least mention my name and see if I can be at the taping?  Enjoy. xo

Cranberry Crunch

Preheat oven to 375.  In a bowl, combine half a bag of cranberries, a full container of sweetened condensed milk, and lemon zest from a whole lemon.

In a large bowl, combine 3/4 cup butter with 1 1/2 cups biscuit mix (I use BisQuick but they all work - one day I'll figure out how to make it from homemade ingredients), and stir until mostly mixed.  Then add cranberry mixture and spread into a buttered 9 x 9 inch baking pan.  

In a smaller bowl, combine the other 1/2 cup biscuit mix, 1/2 cup brown sugar and 2 tablespoons butter and sprinkle over cranberry crunch. *Trick - I add more butter and more brown sugar because it's just good, common sense. 

Add walnuts if you so desire (FYI: these put the "crunch" in Cranberry Crunch, yet also keeps Maggie from eating it, a win/win)

Bake 70 minutes (though I take it out after an hour due to our oven, so know your oven!).

Sauce: in a sauce pan, combine 1/2 cup sugar, 1 tblsp cornstarch, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 tsp nutmeg and add cold 1/2 cup water.  Add the remaining half of cranberries.  Cook it over medium low heat until it thickens and cranberries are exploding in gleeful joy, then pour over the baked goodness of Fall.

If sharing this recipe doesn't help me lose weight, I'll be really angry. 

October 24, 2015

The night was filled with a lot of pain and rolling over, which I do quite often, resulted in new shots of ouch!  The last hour or so was that dazed slumber where you feel you’ve only slept moments but it ends up being an hour and a half.  I got up, sipped my coffee, and plotted the day.  I checked into storage facility prices and saw a house that I had been told was not for rent was now, it seems, for rent.  Lots of packing, but the house is so full of boxes, how do I do that?

Ethan’s task was to cut pallets so we could have a burn soon.  The girls needed to put a second coat of paint on the doghouse but they were still asleep, and I ..I needed to pack.  The girls hadn't been assisting as I had hoped, but I discovered yesterday that if you give the girls a task, they will mostly-sorta do it, so once they were ready,  I had them wrap up my French porcelain in bubble wrap.  Much to my chagrin, it wasn’t long before the landlord was there at the kitchen window, repairing whatever was broken.  He never said a word to me and I went back to my trick of sticking earbuds in my ears and attaching it to an old, broken iPhone, so I looked like I was listening to something.   I started loading my CDs to my iTunes account so I can sell many of the CDs.  I have hundreds.  Things were taken out of cabinets…an old etched crystal decanter from Europe, and Italian painted dark glass decanter with gold from Italy, etched white wine/red wine glasses; for someone who doesn’t partake I am set on the alcohol glasses.  I can’t get rid of the Italian decanter yet – that was Tanti’s, but I’ll try to sell the etched crystal.

Eventually, friend was picked up, so we started loading the bus to rent a storage unit.  Landlord walked past as we were moving boxes.  I didn’t look up.  We loaded Lizzie up and headed to the storage facility where I spoke with the manager and we checked out a 10 X 5 and a 10 x 10.  We chose the latter, paid for it, signed all the paperwork, and got busy unloading.  Suddenly it was more of an adventure for us and actually working towards a solution was much more restorative.  We also discovered there are garage sales here at the facility  - there will be one in 2 weeks – so the kids and I will have our first sale here and then have another at home if we deem it necessary.  Hunger gnawed at all of us, so we stopped at Deb’s Frosty were Mags had corn dogs, Ethan and I had the HOMEMADE MEXICAN FOOD.  What.The.Hell have I doing the last decade buying burgers here?  Are you kidding me?  These were freshly-finished carnitas..and it was so damn good!  We devoured them and I may have had some nachos for dessert.

Packed up again at home where I twisted my ankle on the uneven, unsaved driveway, and fell on the box, a poked my hand with a nail, my back really feels like muscles are protruding from an area, so I tried to lift carefully.  As we left the facility this time, Ethan suggested we add some fun:  I found Mission Impossible music and Maggie was to jump into the bus, Dukes of Hazzard’s style, Ethan would slam the door and we would drive off.    We rolled with laughter after we finished – it’s amazing how the music changes your attitude.  Home Depot was a stop on the way home so that we could return the bad DeWalt batteries and get new blades for the recip saw.  Tomorrow pallets will be completed (Ethan was so tired he slept about 3 hours this afternoon before we went to the storage facility).  We did the Mission Impossible at Home Depot, too…but the filming didn’t work.  

 

We had one more run to do before the facility closed at 9 – we left the house at 8:30 and I was nervous we’d get locked in, so we were in high gear.  The kids jumped out as I was rolling in, grabbed the wheeled moving-carts as I turned the bus around.  We unloaded so fast we were finished in 10 minutes and that includes labeling some of the boxes which were only labeled on top.  I bought the kids a shake at In ‘n Out and we headed home.  Here, they walked on my back, massaged my back, used the roller on my back.  Ethan, laughing, even got out the vibrator I bought for sex class 3 years ago when I’d planned to go onto a doctorate in sexology after school and he tried to massage my back with that.  Maggie just about died when I pointed out what the various parts were for.  I took a hot bath and used Icy Hot (which then got in my eyes…of course.  I’m a walking accident today.  We played Uno Attack for a couple of hours in front of our fake fireplace, me sipping sage, hibiscus flour, dong quai root loose-leaf tea.  I played some Railroad Earth as that was going on at Hangtown Halloween, and looked into taking the kids tomorrow, but it would only be for a couple of hours and tickets (for me) at $65 – who knows how much for the kids – forget it.

Pics 'n Flicks:  Lizzie helping out;  A boy and his dog; Adventuring together; Our new home - A43; Mission Is Possible with Agent Cookie Monster; Who dat?