October 28, 2015

It is getting deliciously cool at night, so the fan blowing in that night air makes bed my perfect hideaway.  My god, but I have always loved The Night.  I spent time looking for houses…went the final mile and asked for help on Facebook to see if anyone knows of a rental.  I hate asking for help…unless it has to do with my recovery, then all pride is gone, because I don’t want to Tangle with Death again.  

The day was good from the get-go because the sky was cloudy and it had already rained.  One downside to the fan being on is I don’t hear the rain at night.  I headed to my second-to-last therapy session – and the words just spilled from my mouth…blah-blah-blah this…blah-blah-blah that…wow.  One would think I’ve never done therapy before (I’m actually a seasoned professional).  What many people don’t understand is how beneficial therapy is!  We process in our own way, but having someone who validates, empathizes, can offer evidence-based help and direction...it's beautiful.   I had the opportunity to see their sandbox room – and there they were, in uniform and ready to play, like days of old: Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith.

Lunch had been left at home, so I went back to gather it, as I had almost one and a half hours until group.  I cleaned, straightened, washed the trash can out - there was to be an inspection for pests and a viewing this evening.  As I walked around the kitchen…I noticed the empty cranberry crunch pan in the sink and thought…about how short life is, how long an hour-fifteen is, and got busy.  I know, I know, I know I have a problem with this.  I’m not stupid.  One issue is that my thighs were lonely without each other - they're only 43 years old, for chrissake.  Another problem is I have spoiled taste buds who (they are their own little people on my tongue) enjoy fresh cranberries..and butter..brown sugar….you get the point.  

I spoke with the rental agency and explained my situation -she was such a lovely lady to talk to, but has no say whatsoever over rental choices, so it's up in the air.  Supervision – awesome-as-always with my people, and afterwards –AFTERWARDS!  I “put on my clinician’s hat” and spoke with CPS.  I used big-ass clinical words every now and again…I think Chuck, my classmate, would have been proud.  What made me even happier was – he, the CPS worker, wanted to help – he had this kid’s best interest at heart.  Next client (2 hours later) was a no show, so off I go – 

- to pick up some dinner, celebrate by myself, again, then home to my little house…for a while.   Katie, from the kid’s Montessori pre-school, had said her friend bought a house with a guest home she’d like to rent out.  It’s 2 rooms, but dogs are ok, and it’s near the kid’s school, so that is a huge possibility.  It closes the day after we are to leave this house…so maybe that’s another gentle shove from Universe to get to Europe?  There is always my living in the bus on the old property idea….  Who knows.  I’m feeling safer, not dreading the ‘under the bridge’ scene as much, anymore, but still ask people to keep eyes and ears open.  Universe provides.  I chatted more with a guy I dated in high school.  It is so ultra cool putting the current number of an ex boyfriend into your cellphone.  I have so many terrific memories with him..and every time I went Midland, I'd see his apartment off of Loop 250.  Those are magical memories for me which I'll always cherish.

Pictures:  Troy & Emmitt, a winning team once again; Penny for your thoughts?  The Counseling Center; I KNOW I HAVE A PROBLEM, OK?!?!  Isn't awareness the first step??; Such beautiful clouds today; A groovy van that reminds me of Jaime Soto in Hollywood....

October 26, 2015

Mornings have changed so much since the kids have created their own routines.  It isn’t as hurried, as rushed, we all do our own thing. Today, we grooved a little to some Bob Marley, then we left. On the way - The Weeknd's song "Can't Feel My Face" came on, which I absolute adore because it has such  a great beat.  I told the kids from the get-go that it was about cocaine,  but then I sing and dance to it every time, like a Solid Gold dancer, minus the gold Lamé.  Maggie giggled and said that of all the pop song, I love the one about drugs. I like these kids.  I know everyone loves their kids, but I like mine, too.  I think they are really responsible, good kids with character and integrity.  I like that. 

After I got back, I started house-hunting. It’s a bit worrisome, considering that I’ve been looking for a few weeks, there aren’t new listings popping up.  This could cause troubles.  The site I signed for after talking to Josh Friday night showed me one I hadn’t seen on the webpage, so I called.  It was nearby, so I left to go look at it – it was…almost perfect.  Well, location wise, yes – it’s in a nearby valley, there’s a lovely tree in the back.  I hugged the tree. I talked to it.  I also ate some cherry tomatoes which had been forgotten.  I’ll cross fingers and tour it tomorrow..  I dropped by The Bookery to sell back my 54 philosophy books and many others.  It hurts my heart, but.... At home I called about another house, but they told me I was $432 short of making three times as much income to qualify.  I said thanks and hung up – didn’t even think about child support, so I’ll call them back tomorrow.  It’s good to get on as many lists as possible.  It wasn’t long before it was time to head off to school.  Scratch that, personal therapy (it’s near my school).  As I drove I listened to the Ted Talks Radio Hour and the topic was… OpenSource, which I appreciate very much.  It’s the sharing of ideas and helping one another – it is the collective instead of the individual.  I think about before the Internet and what Life Was Like – we went to a library, we looked in Encyclopedias or books for information, we talked to librarians.  Now, we go to our laptops.  I miss the Dewey Decimal System and writing out reports by hand.  The sense of accomplishment seemed different because it was more time-consuming to gather facts.  Now it is done with the touch of a hand. It's good, of course, but it's also helped quell our collectivism - we can now do it all ourselves.  This part I don't like so much. 

Therapy was interesting.  It always is.  This woman digs and analyses, which I like to do, myself.  Connect G to A somehow…think until you see the connection.  Today – I told her of my constant “never finished”, always feeling I’m running behind.  There is something behind me, like a light over my head and it pushes me forward.  It guides me – because I’m not sure where I’m going, only that I’m not finished yet – far from it.  I will never be one of those who is satisfied…I have to continue.  She asked me if I’m running away from something to go to CH – no, I’m not.  I’ve asked myself that very question, but I’m not running from, I’m running to.  Off to school then to drop off hours and I saw Wendy.  Talked to her for a while, which is so nice.  She made a good suggestion.  Talk to L- the kids can stay in the old house and I'll sleep in the bus.  Sounds good to me;  All I need is an extension cord and I'm good.  Then Weber showed up.  Poor guy...he thought he was done with me and here I am, 5 days later.  I asked if he offered a doctorate degree and he said no.  Humph.  No more school with some favorite people.

 

Headed home and the single plume of smoke I'd seen became two and one was massive - I checked on scanner-nothing - but an odd audio interference.   I checked Yubanet once I got home nothing there, either.  I kept looking and saw it was a prescribed burn.  I guess The Powers That Be are fairly confident we will have rain Wednesday.  

 Packed up the bus a bit after talking to a neighbor.  She saw the sign, the packing.  It'll be so sad leaving this neighborhood: Brent, Sandy, Terry, Stephanie, Steve, Carol, Bill and Judy.  What an incredible group of people.  Lizzie and I headed back to storage.  My heart has been heavy since getting home earlier and I'm not sure why.  Such a sorrow within, I feel as if I've been weeping all day.  Being in Lizzie cheered me up, though. This bus is a friend to me, which is really weird.  One drop off to storage and then I needed peanut butter, so to the store I went…and there they were: cranberries.  My world just exploded (I had written to Jake earlier today asking if he had divorced me since I wasn’t there but I was packing up/moving my whole house so did that count as weights?)  He had responded as I was entering the store, assuring me all was good and yes, moving a house solo counts as weights.  Universe has a wicked sense of humor.  **This is the severity of my love life** When I posted a picture of the cranberries and wrote “it happened” a friend 2,000 miles away thought I meant sex.  I responded no…that (my chance for sex) was hit by an asteroid, the Sun was blocked, and it (my chance) had  died.  Silver lining: I really don’t even need to shave my legs in the summer. 

 I bought all the necessities for CC and some scented candles.  Dessert and candles:  My world really has exploded.  At home, I easily and effortlessly made the cranberry crunch then soaked in the tub for a bit.  My back is hurting a lot.  I really am foolish in moving these boxes alone yet I’m not sure I’ll ever learn.

In honor of OpenSource, here is the recipe I created many years ago.  I've held onto this recipe only sharintg it with two parties who were sworn to secrecy,  hoping someday I could do something with it, like be on Good Morning America with Joan and Charlie, but that clearly won't happen.  If YOU end up on Good Morning America, will you at least mention my name and see if I can be at the taping?  Enjoy. xo

Cranberry Crunch

Preheat oven to 375.  In a bowl, combine half a bag of cranberries, a full container of sweetened condensed milk, and lemon zest from a whole lemon.

In a large bowl, combine 3/4 cup butter with 1 1/2 cups biscuit mix (I use BisQuick but they all work - one day I'll figure out how to make it from homemade ingredients), and stir until mostly mixed.  Then add cranberry mixture and spread into a buttered 9 x 9 inch baking pan.  

In a smaller bowl, combine the other 1/2 cup biscuit mix, 1/2 cup brown sugar and 2 tablespoons butter and sprinkle over cranberry crunch. *Trick - I add more butter and more brown sugar because it's just good, common sense. 

Add walnuts if you so desire (FYI: these put the "crunch" in Cranberry Crunch, yet also keeps Maggie from eating it, a win/win)

Bake 70 minutes (though I take it out after an hour due to our oven, so know your oven!).

Sauce: in a sauce pan, combine 1/2 cup sugar, 1 tblsp cornstarch, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 tsp nutmeg and add cold 1/2 cup water.  Add the remaining half of cranberries.  Cook it over medium low heat until it thickens and cranberries are exploding in gleeful joy, then pour over the baked goodness of Fall.

If sharing this recipe doesn't help me lose weight, I'll be really angry. 

September 17, 2015

There was much more motivation this morning for whatever reason.  Actually, I discovered the secret: A list.  Adulting is much easier if you write it all out on paper and follow it systematically.  Documents for the Swiss consulate – done.  Post office to ship said documents to San Francisco – done.  ROI for so I can hopefully graduate one day (if Weber ever lets me know about revisions…I’m dying in anticipation) – done.  Home Depot for more steel wool for these tenacious mice – not done, but it wasn’t on the list.

I also contacted an art therapist/instructor with interest in learning about this.  I am the one who has all these damn crafts and shelves of stuff which I never do, but maybe this is why…it’s meant for clients.  I think it would be a grand thing To Do.  I have used art with clients and it seems to soften the seriousness of the session when there is something else to focus on.  

At the time which was The Time, I went to work and met my client.  The client brought an adorable little dog, a Pomeranian/poodle mix.  Very sweet, doesn’t shed (which I am appreciating so much since I probably inhale about 3 pounds of Mabi’s hair a year)  After, my next client brought dad.  Terrific session, even though I sounded horrible.  Did I mention I went to the pharmacy and spoke with a pharmacist about what the hell is going on with me??  The thought with him is post nasal drip (See?!?  I don’t want to spend $60 for them to tell me it is this when I can get the same info for free).  Still, A z-pack sounds great. 

 

Home and I enjoyed my moist chicken (crock pot and mushroom soup) with raw spinach.  I wish there was a lemon soup so I could make lemon chicken.  I may a have purchased a cake to eat with the chicken since I am not feeling much better and that seems to be the only to work temporarily.  I am awash with guilt now, however, so that was quit short-lived.  Plus, it was a weird frosting.  WHY CAN I NOT LIE ABOUT THIS?  WHY MUST I BRING IT UP?  I think total honesty is bullshit, yet I can’t stop….

 

I have a party on Saturday to prepare for.  Accomplished some things, forgot others.  Such is my head.  I’m going to start sending Weber really awful jokes until he reads my Capstone and gets back to me.  I’m also going to sign up for an art therapy class to see if I can hack it as both.  So much to do, so much to do….

Pictures:  My documents to the Swiss Consulate; I was in love once in this post-office...my heart was beating to so fiercely...good memories; Sweet little Oscar came for a visit today; Spinach and local eggs (and cake hidden in there, somewhere).