May 8, 2016

After finally falling asleep, my ear still ringing from the thunderous roar of Hips fans, I slept fitfully.  Not all is right in my World right now, for reasons unknown to me.  At 6:17, I was awoken by my Girl-breakfast-in-bed in hand.  She had awoken at 5:20 to get breakfast made before I habitually arose from bed. That child is One In a Million.

A few hours later, I checked on The Boy- he was  in the kitchen, preparing to cook himself bacon for breakfast.  My Girl was still sleeping – she had made another entrance to give me Mother’s Day gifts before excusing herself once more for sleep.  I turned around and went to my room, doing something I haven’t done in years.  I cried.  I’m not sure what is going on – I have never experienced anxiety in the way I have as of late, but it was the actual sobbing-catch-your-breath-as-more-tears-fall crying and it was oddly comforting. I was just dozing off to sleep as there was a loud BANG! on the door, and in walked Ethan with breakfast-in-bed #3 (he’d made my first one last weekend, knowing Maggie would make mine this morning) – bacon and a bacon omelet. 

 

We managed to get dressed around two and headed out in Lizzie to the park with the dogs, where we played for a good hour the dogs.  My sister called and we spoke for a half hour.  I am so torn – I miss her so much!  Since about age 17, I haven’t had a close relationship with my family and even after my father’s death, it took a couple of years, but we are now so close and I cherish that relationship so.  I want to be that crazy aunt to her kids like Tanti was to me.  As we were leaving the park, the Maggie asked me how many more days on this Whole30 and I told her.  “Maybe that's why you cried this morning...because you miss Mexican food.  It just had deeper meaning than you realized.”  That girl may be on to something.

We dropped the dogs off at home and headed to the store where I saw many men grabbing flowers and fancy dinners for their loves.  How the circle closes: I would come here with baby Ethan and here he was asking me about the clutch on the bus and Maggie is sharing how she and three of her friends are planning on driving Lizzie down to Coachella someday.  Ummm….nope.  I cooked us a very fancy dinner as we watched half of “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World”.  A simple day, but a day with my kids.  

And so – my anxiety.  I realize the timing of this is may very well be related to stopping my SSRI (which I took for depression which began shortly after my TBI). The extreme anxiety I experienced yesterday at the fest has been occurring at just about every music show I’ve gone to.  Despite what those who know me well may think, it is terrifying for me to be alone at shows, but I go anyway, because eventually I see someone I know or the music starts and I float away. I’m going to state that as much as I love being alone, I HATE being alone and I worry I am pushing myself into further isolation.   Like an idiot, I bought another ticket this morning to an event – despite the fact that I don’t fit in.  This exposure therapy isn’t really working, yet I keep doing it, despite. I want to thank those people who helped me yesterday at the fest and Andrea this morning – you mean the extra more world to me.   It has been three days short of two months since I stopped my 5-a-Day (don’t think I haven’t noticed that timing with my stress, as well), and I have missed it.  Happy Day to all women out there, because whether we’ve birthed a child or not, the majority of us mother in some form or fashion.

Pictures: Our Mother's Day shot...and the practice-makes-perfect shots.

Febraury 16, 2016

I went so far as to set my snooze for 15 minutes this morning, that’s how tired I was.  I didn’t listen to it, though…I shut it off after 5 minutes.  

Today was a school-site day, so off I headed.  I have developed a really good therapeutic relationship with this one…I like that.  After I saw my clients, I remembered my sister’s birthday on Saturday and raced off into town to get her a gift.  Perfect place was the fair-trade store downtown – right up my sister’s alley.  Got it to the post-office where I also asked about my pants from Thailand I had ordered a couple of months ago.  It seems our post office here is not capable of forwarding something in the shape of a parcel.

 

Back to the clinic, where I was surrounded by my people.  Now that Europe is on hold, I am hopefully here past for longer.  I’ll see.  There is much to study, many workshops to attend, much to learn.  Not sure where I'll end up, but I know I’ll be where I belong.

Raced to get my children, dropped them off, then back to the clinic for my final clients.  I learned tonight about the importance of watching clients’ dynamic together – it changes so much.

Today was, much to my surprise, a very good day.  I felt the power of renewal in my spirit, which may – in all honestly – have had a great deal to do with the beautiful Spring (Winter) day.    I have this tremendous feeling of I can fucking ROCK this Life thing, I can take charge of so much and carry on to create an even more wonderful life than I have now.  This burden on my shoulders has been heavier, I think, than I knew.  My dream of Switzerland is far from over, it will simply be different than I imagined.  

Pictures:   Downtown - I miss walking around here; Breakroom; The little Elf Village I am forcing J-Ber to create.

February 13, 2016

Remembering again and again after waking up to get up for work that it was a Saturday and I could sleep in was paradise.  

I sent a letter to a psychological institute in Zurich to inquire about work; my hopes for Montessori is fading as there are plenty of qualified people there and the fact that I live here – well...I’m not a ‘sure bet’ for them.  

I had a long and heart wrenching talk with my sister on Facetime – a conversation which resulted with me in tears as Truths were told.  I am still trying, however.  If one door closes it doesn’t mean there isn’t an open window somewhere.  Of course, timing is an issue, but nothing is in stone – ever, except Death.

With excitement I picked Maggie up and we headed to go eat, then home to get ready.  So much mousse in my hair to slick it back.  So much light foundation and those chola eyebrows – WOW.  I am not a good gangbanger-bitch, that’s for sure.  They’d be too ashamed to have me around.  Mags looked so beautiful.  The re-purposing of my pantsuit for Hipsmas two years ago did not go as smoothly as I desired, but it got the job done.  We met Angela and Alec at the show, with people lined up all around the theatre.  The beginning was, to put it mildly, nothing like I remembered.  I don’t recall burlesque dancing and I certainly don’t remember the “virgins” (people who were seeing the show for the first time) standing up front and having a contest as to who could produce the best fake orgasm sound.  Mags was dying and I felt her pain.  I would have DIED being in the same place my mom was and hearing that.  Hell, I still would, even today.   There were also sections here and there with overt sexual content (the Brad/Dr. Fran N. Furter sex scene) which I had forgotten about and might have strongly influenced my decision to bring Mags, but what’s done is done.  She enjoyed parts or it – as did I.  I still have no idea how it ended and she had to explain it to me.  It’s so UNlinear.

As we turned onto our street, she noticed out street sign had changed from Pinon (Piñon) to Pinion.  Huh?!?!  When did that happen?  She went off to bed and here I am – so drowsy.  What a night.  “It's not easy having a good time! Even smiling makes my face ache!” ~ Dr. Frank N. Furter

 Pictures: 40th anniversary of RHPS - the longest-running interactive movie ever; Mags and I - Janet and Columbia; Marquee; Alec, Angela and Mags;Me, protecting myself in the rain; THIS guy had THE MOST PUNGENT body odor I have ever smelled.  Mags and I were DYING.....