May 8, 2016

After finally falling asleep, my ear still ringing from the thunderous roar of Hips fans, I slept fitfully.  Not all is right in my World right now, for reasons unknown to me.  At 6:17, I was awoken by my Girl-breakfast-in-bed in hand.  She had awoken at 5:20 to get breakfast made before I habitually arose from bed. That child is One In a Million.

A few hours later, I checked on The Boy- he was  in the kitchen, preparing to cook himself bacon for breakfast.  My Girl was still sleeping – she had made another entrance to give me Mother’s Day gifts before excusing herself once more for sleep.  I turned around and went to my room, doing something I haven’t done in years.  I cried.  I’m not sure what is going on – I have never experienced anxiety in the way I have as of late, but it was the actual sobbing-catch-your-breath-as-more-tears-fall crying and it was oddly comforting. I was just dozing off to sleep as there was a loud BANG! on the door, and in walked Ethan with breakfast-in-bed #3 (he’d made my first one last weekend, knowing Maggie would make mine this morning) – bacon and a bacon omelet. 

 

We managed to get dressed around two and headed out in Lizzie to the park with the dogs, where we played for a good hour the dogs.  My sister called and we spoke for a half hour.  I am so torn – I miss her so much!  Since about age 17, I haven’t had a close relationship with my family and even after my father’s death, it took a couple of years, but we are now so close and I cherish that relationship so.  I want to be that crazy aunt to her kids like Tanti was to me.  As we were leaving the park, the Maggie asked me how many more days on this Whole30 and I told her.  “Maybe that's why you cried this morning...because you miss Mexican food.  It just had deeper meaning than you realized.”  That girl may be on to something.

We dropped the dogs off at home and headed to the store where I saw many men grabbing flowers and fancy dinners for their loves.  How the circle closes: I would come here with baby Ethan and here he was asking me about the clutch on the bus and Maggie is sharing how she and three of her friends are planning on driving Lizzie down to Coachella someday.  Ummm….nope.  I cooked us a very fancy dinner as we watched half of “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World”.  A simple day, but a day with my kids.  

And so – my anxiety.  I realize the timing of this is may very well be related to stopping my SSRI (which I took for depression which began shortly after my TBI). The extreme anxiety I experienced yesterday at the fest has been occurring at just about every music show I’ve gone to.  Despite what those who know me well may think, it is terrifying for me to be alone at shows, but I go anyway, because eventually I see someone I know or the music starts and I float away. I’m going to state that as much as I love being alone, I HATE being alone and I worry I am pushing myself into further isolation.   Like an idiot, I bought another ticket this morning to an event – despite the fact that I don’t fit in.  This exposure therapy isn’t really working, yet I keep doing it, despite. I want to thank those people who helped me yesterday at the fest and Andrea this morning – you mean the extra more world to me.   It has been three days short of two months since I stopped my 5-a-Day (don’t think I haven’t noticed that timing with my stress, as well), and I have missed it.  Happy Day to all women out there, because whether we’ve birthed a child or not, the majority of us mother in some form or fashion.

Pictures: Our Mother's Day shot...and the practice-makes-perfect shots.

October 11, 2015

Woke up.  I hate waking up somedays…like today.  I have had a feeling of foreboding  too many time this week and now it’s back again.  Sleeping is great because nothing is real.

Tear-down has begun.  Yes – we have no boxes yet (Brent will bring back some from the hospital), yes we have no idea where we will live, but we need to start sorting: sell, keep, trash.  And I haven’t begun the cleaning from the Book of Tidying Up.  This morning I started in the kitchen and parted ways with many things I have such a strong emotional attachment to – that pinwheel Ethan made me in first grade, the Italian espresso cups I bought in Zurich with Tante Nes.  I took pictures, but it isn’t the same.  Something which has thrown me for a loop:  Ethan.  The kid is humming, SINGING, smiling, laughing.  I’m utterly dumbfounded. 

The kids and I  - after a period of time – headed out on a trek.  I wanted to go check out two houses which were for rent near me.  One was vacant for a reason (we felt).  The other one was cool, but I had the feeling we were not the only ones to think so.  Sure enough – I later got a call that someone had already applied, but if something fell through, we would be put “on the list”.  We picked up cilantro and tortillas and went home to enjoy some delicious chicken tacos while we watched our favorite Doctor Who – “Blink.”  I’m a big fan of weeping angels and  wibbly wobbly timey wimey..stuff.  

Laundry folding – 3 weeks worth – and then.  Park with the dogs.  We really had a lot of fun with them as Ethan played basketball (to practice for  the school team, which begins Tuesday).   A guy came with his boxer and Chihuahua…Mabi didn’t give a damn, she was focused on her ball/frisbee, but Annie, she ran away howling and barking like a scaredy-cat-chicken-pants.  The Boxer smiled and thought, "Oh look!  A freaky thing!" and gleefully followed Annie as she ran around howling and barking, barking and howling.  Mabi did a get a bit snippety when the Boxer tried to play with her.  I didn’t socialize her enough at all.  Ethan, meanwhile, had climbed onto the basketball hoop.  I saw him and things started happening to my body which generally occurs when one is afraid.  There was some clenching and soft cursing, to be sure.  I can so easily envision the worst of things happening.  I looked away and told Ethan to get down…quickly.  He didn’t, of course, so I made the most of it and took pictures with my iPhone.  

Back at home, after a fun stop in the middle of the street where Mabi had dropped her tennis ball on our way to the park, we headed home and I changed for…the gym.  Sigh.  My body is so tired…my muscles are sore.  I have only done cardio this weekend, but tonight I could barely do that.  I had also gotten some cheeses and breads so we could have a “cheese snack”, as we so fondly call them.  We watched more of our Doctor Who as the dogs slept.  They were worn out – which is rare to see.  I wish we had a spare hour every day.  I looked for more homes, there really isn’t much available.  I’m freaking out a little, so I texted my financial planner, bless his heart and he responded immediately.  I’ll phone him after tomorrow’s  a.m. client session.  

Pictures: Park adventures, Ethan's pinwheel and Mags helping Ethan make his own bullwhip.  He is interested in how the loop breaks the sound barrier (768 mph).

September 25, 2015

Today’s early rise time wasn’t because of the Boy, but because Maggie’s Quoia Café and I had a workshop on using art in therapy.  I had been looking forward to this, though after the emotion of the past few days, my heart wasn’t in it.  I hadn’t slept very well, either.  Ethan was showering when I awoke, which surprised me, but he had been asleep at nine again (so unusual). Later, when we were getting ready, I saw him get his medicine without being prompted.  He understands.   I dropped the kids off at school I headed to Folsom and made it just in time.  

Lisa Mitchell has been hailed by several therapists I know as an incredible art therapist and I found this to be true.  The workshop was filled with so many incredible methods of using art as a medium in getting to a deeper layer in an individual, and all by their own discoveries.  Art is a powerful tool which can allow the subconscious to speak, to let its voice be heard and while I do not look at myself an artist by any stretch, I am so excited about the endless possibilities this will give to me.  I hate to say this part, though…as much as I was looking forward to this day, I was so emotionally fraught that I started yawning within 5 minutes and it continued most of the day.  I did tell Lisa after lunch why I was yawning, but she hadn’t even noticed.  I had, though.  

I learned about mandala without lines, to allow the client to create their own, I learned about creating art from squiggles and how a box is a gateway to magic (and keeps desired things contained), I learned why I should cut out pictures for collages and that the art is the voice – not the client’s trauma, history or self.  The client speaks through the art.  Lunch was at Karen’s Café and I dined with an kick ass 71 year old therapist named Peg from Berkeley who I hope I am like when I am that age.  She was a hoot and a half.  We headed back down for the rest of the day and learned more…so many wonderful tings.  I signed up for her art program (along with my trauma therapy I’m doing now and I’ll be starting Nurturing Heart program as soon as I’m done with my Capstone (tomorrow, hopefully).  Not even done and I’m already heading in three different directions (though certainly not as intense as grad school).

I headed home, grabbed my art back and flew back to work for my 5 o’clock client.  Fortunately she was early, so we began and I was able o use some of what I had learned a few hours before.  I finished notes and drove home.  As I walked in to the house, I quietly asked, “Is anyone here?” and Ethan answered, “yes…” sitting there working on homework.  He had gotten an entire page done (I hope) with help from a friend.  That last part makes me a little antsy, but I’ll make sure.  He was in a lighter mood, much, much lighter…which made me happy, but….is everything right?  How is there such a drastic change from last night?  We ended up taking the dogs to the park and he enjoyed the dogs running around so joyously.  We talked, a great deal.  I am hesitant because I know this kid… life isn’t so easy-go-lucky for him…and I’m not so naive.  We headed to get shows and a few shirts and I asked if he understood why there would be a restriction placed on his iPhone.  He did, he said, so we’ll just see if it sticks.  I told him I am always here for him and to please communicate with me about trouble or confusion…don’t say “fine.”

 

Ethan and I are very excited about cold rainy winter nights with chili, but as that is not yet, we ended up at home with our girl, where we spent the evening watching Doctor Who.  This evening my little Tribe was itself again – not that it isn’t itself when there are challenges, but tonight hearts laughed together together.  

 Pictures: My works from the art workshop; Bad Moon Rising - such a big moon; And suddenly, he's just a kid again, MY kid,  getting size 13 running shoes for gym.