October 27, 2015

I woke up with a hole in my heart: that the one good thing I’ve ever created I gave away…but really, what would I have down with it (coffee shop with desserts and therapy, right, Susan?).  In all honesty – as I told my friend Conrad this morning, I want to shift…I want to change.  My world is on a HUGE course of change right now, and so it is time to give away freely, or much more freely than I am accustomed to.  A fear I hold onto is one brought to me about almost twenty years ago (coming this January).  I was sober and alive – but I was homeless.  I was so happy, but I also lived in fear of not knowing, little safety, so I clung to things – to stuff, like a security blanket.  I still have that coffee mug I was given once I was able to secure my very first studio apartment after many months – and...I’ve collected similar meaningful items.  But now I am ok…aren’t I?  I’ll find a home, won’t I?  So, it shall be all right…ok, to give away, right?  First we begin with the Cranberry Crunch.

Overcast skies greeted me as I sped off to supervision.  I found a letter in my mailbox at work, beginning with the words… “it is with great excitement that I welcome you…” and thus, I  was granted paid employment at my home of 11 months beginning November 2.  It isn’t much…it won’t be much, but the experience and the clientele I have worked/am working/will work with can be topped by none.  I worked on paperwork and hour times after supervision and then at 11:45, it was time….

…To go view another house, the beautiful one I looked at yesterday.  The three rooms are as small as here, but there are 2 bathrooms, there is land…that beautiful tree I hugged, a deck off the room which would be my bedroom.  There was a woman looking at it with her daughter and I am sure there are many more applications.  The owner will choose the person who is to live there, which makes me sad…I am not sure my work history is steady enough to impress someone.  Maybe I will call the rental agency and explain my situation a bit?

Back to work and I GOT A CALL FROM THE CPS WORKER!    This is good!  Now , maybe things will roll along.  To be fair – it isn’t fair to blame (as a whole) these agencies…people (like myself) generally do these because we care and want to help – to make a difference.  What trips us up is all the legislative bullshit red tape.   Headed out to see a client, headed back AFTER seeing client (and presenting a train book ) in time to write 3 prog notes and plan a solo-driven coup of the agency with Steve(who wasn’t really a part of it, but I’m sure he supported me all the same). Then off to Parent Project, where Officer Stelz, whom I’ve known for years through our kids and working at the school) presented on drugs and gangs.  I was heartbroken and shocked to see someone I used to work with on a slide –all tatted up and with the 18^th Street gang, whom I know from living in SoCal.

Home…to my dogs..and a house that echoes more and more as I get stuff out.  I didn’t have the chance to move anything today, but maybe tomorrow.  I’ll end up making two moves…one from here and one from the storage unit.  It’s never the easy way, Munzer….

Pictures:  Nice; And there he was ...watching me.... Nice one, Ethan. 

October 2, 2015

My first client wasn’t scheduled until 11, so there was no need to asset an alarm.  I spent the morning prepping for my Return To The Gym.  This would be a Big Day.  I wanted a new set list, as the running list I have is set for the cadence of running – it doesn’t “push” me like other genres of music – you all know what I’m talking about.  I looked through the music library on iTunes and rediscovered Ministry.  Perfect.

My client arrived and once again sugarcoated things.  Like many other adolescents (past-self included) victimization is felt, a change in life is wanted, yet there is no willingness to do the footwork necessary.  I remember that well.  After the client and writing notes and various other paper work, I dressed in proper gym attire – “active-wear” – surely you’ve seen the You-Tube clip.  Except I look like an 80s person in my hot pink and bright blue.   That’s totally ok with me – I AM an 80s person.  I got in there and got busy.  A wave to Jake at one point, but no words – he was with a client and I had resumed my Day 1, plus two pounds weight, so I knew I had work to do.  I ended up with 698 calories burned in this hour.  The challenge has begun.

I went home and dove into a delicious salad (it’s so weird, putting those two words together), then I showered and got ready to leave for the next client.  As I was prepping, I responded to a classmate from Switzerland about when we could see each other, and as luck would have it – San Francisco has some mighty fine goings-on taking place at Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival, so I will wake up early and head to his place in San Jose and he will drive us to SF.  I’m excited to see him.  I’m kinda nervous, too.  Not for any specific reason, but he is a HE and I haven’t really been around HEs very much in the last many years.  Sunday I'll have dinner with another CH firned and his wife.  How funny....

My next client was scheduled for 5 and we worked on sand tray.  It was a good session, I feel and is slowly putting things into place for my client.  Nothing happened overnight but I enjoy this process very much.  I am going to start looking for a permanent work site soon.  My client hours for trainee status will be over next week (I only need 4 and a half more) and my personal therapy hours will finish in the next few weeks.  

I went home and grabbed the dogs quickly. The sun was setting and darkness would soon be upon us and these dogs needed a run!  The nearby park had kids (of course) so back to work to the school field behind us and I ran those dogs as hard as I could in 20 minutes.  Then I headed back to the gym.  With such high numbers I was dying to hit 1000 calories burned in one day.  I hit 1020.  So proud!!  Then home to salad and 2 pieces of wild- caught cod.  It ain’t nachos, but it’ll do.

Pictures:  Here is proof - 2 work-out sets today; The sun shining in made a type of tree-shadow heart; I don't usually leave vagina out for everyone to see (my pencil mug sits in front).  No more Bobby Ewing/John Schneider altar, either.

October 1, 2015

Today was supposed to be a perfect day because there were clouds and a bit of rain.  I received a UPS package from Grace – that beautifully wonderful woman – a  German book on the language basics.  This will be rad – something I’ll show the kids as soon as I get them back.  A book like this will help them get their feet wet.  At some point we need to start Fluenz.  I had a whole day until 5 – an art lesson at noon, and so much could happen today.

Only it didn’t.  I cut out more pictures for collages, I listened to more Nurtured Heart lessons, I did my art (it was very similar to the class we’d had on Friday) and my skill with oil pastels is icky.  Still, I did it and I am trying open my mind to new thoughts, different ideas, line-less boxes I can think outside of.  

At 5 I met my client – this kid is a sweetheart – and I brought my collage material, my speaker and some relaxing music by David & Steve Gordon.  We had a good session, touching on all sorts of things, which was necessary while creating a good relationship.  

At 6ish, I headed to go pickup more cough syrup since they had run out and couldn’t fill my whole order.  Another issue and more trouble.  Just as I was about the walk out with the words “I might as well have stayed at WalMart – it doesn’t matter where I go”, the lady stopped me and did her damn best to help me.  I apologized for my words, because it truly wasn’t her fault – she had shared Monday (though she doesn’t remember)that she has been at this pharmacy 10 years and is desperately seeking another job –that it is crazy.  That is one of the problems in this country – people are so unhappy at their meager-paying jobs they have to have to pay the bills.  I had my gym stuff in the car – it is getting close.  This has been day 3 of almost no coughing, and my body is telling me it is time to sweat again(plus my ass is beginning to grow).

At 7 I was home, where I finished up attempt number 3 on my Capstone – we will see where it goes.  I am really going to miss those people at Brandman.  I am FB friends with Wendy, and LinkedIn with Weber, but it’ll be sad not seeing them on a regular basis.  I  was invited to a Halloween birthday party at Eric and Shannon’s – that could be great fun.  I wonder if I have the kids that weekend or not.     I notice that when I stay in, with my head and my Self, I become rather melancholy.  I need to get OUT - explore this WORLD - stop creating my own cell-bars. The problems with a day like today is I want to be in love and we all know that just won't do.  Not yet, maybe never.  So, tomorrow I'll get out and get STRONG.  That's my plan for tomorrow.

Pictures: A very-baby sunflower; Gorgeous clouds from today's weather; I'm going about becoming a berry-lover in the wrong way.

September 25, 2015

Today’s early rise time wasn’t because of the Boy, but because Maggie’s Quoia Café and I had a workshop on using art in therapy.  I had been looking forward to this, though after the emotion of the past few days, my heart wasn’t in it.  I hadn’t slept very well, either.  Ethan was showering when I awoke, which surprised me, but he had been asleep at nine again (so unusual). Later, when we were getting ready, I saw him get his medicine without being prompted.  He understands.   I dropped the kids off at school I headed to Folsom and made it just in time.  

Lisa Mitchell has been hailed by several therapists I know as an incredible art therapist and I found this to be true.  The workshop was filled with so many incredible methods of using art as a medium in getting to a deeper layer in an individual, and all by their own discoveries.  Art is a powerful tool which can allow the subconscious to speak, to let its voice be heard and while I do not look at myself an artist by any stretch, I am so excited about the endless possibilities this will give to me.  I hate to say this part, though…as much as I was looking forward to this day, I was so emotionally fraught that I started yawning within 5 minutes and it continued most of the day.  I did tell Lisa after lunch why I was yawning, but she hadn’t even noticed.  I had, though.  

I learned about mandala without lines, to allow the client to create their own, I learned about creating art from squiggles and how a box is a gateway to magic (and keeps desired things contained), I learned why I should cut out pictures for collages and that the art is the voice – not the client’s trauma, history or self.  The client speaks through the art.  Lunch was at Karen’s Café and I dined with an kick ass 71 year old therapist named Peg from Berkeley who I hope I am like when I am that age.  She was a hoot and a half.  We headed back down for the rest of the day and learned more…so many wonderful tings.  I signed up for her art program (along with my trauma therapy I’m doing now and I’ll be starting Nurturing Heart program as soon as I’m done with my Capstone (tomorrow, hopefully).  Not even done and I’m already heading in three different directions (though certainly not as intense as grad school).

I headed home, grabbed my art back and flew back to work for my 5 o’clock client.  Fortunately she was early, so we began and I was able o use some of what I had learned a few hours before.  I finished notes and drove home.  As I walked in to the house, I quietly asked, “Is anyone here?” and Ethan answered, “yes…” sitting there working on homework.  He had gotten an entire page done (I hope) with help from a friend.  That last part makes me a little antsy, but I’ll make sure.  He was in a lighter mood, much, much lighter…which made me happy, but….is everything right?  How is there such a drastic change from last night?  We ended up taking the dogs to the park and he enjoyed the dogs running around so joyously.  We talked, a great deal.  I am hesitant because I know this kid… life isn’t so easy-go-lucky for him…and I’m not so naive.  We headed to get shows and a few shirts and I asked if he understood why there would be a restriction placed on his iPhone.  He did, he said, so we’ll just see if it sticks.  I told him I am always here for him and to please communicate with me about trouble or confusion…don’t say “fine.”

 

Ethan and I are very excited about cold rainy winter nights with chili, but as that is not yet, we ended up at home with our girl, where we spent the evening watching Doctor Who.  This evening my little Tribe was itself again – not that it isn’t itself when there are challenges, but tonight hearts laughed together together.  

 Pictures: My works from the art workshop; Bad Moon Rising - such a big moon; And suddenly, he's just a kid again, MY kid,  getting size 13 running shoes for gym.