September 27, 2015

Late last night, an army of ants scurried busily in my bathtub, gathering water I think.  I looked at them, and let  them be.  This morning when I awoke, they were gone.  I like that – letting them be.   I also noticed that 7:17 meant I could still sleep a bit, but by 8:30ish I was up.  I knew Ethan had an appointment at 11 and I was eager to get a start on the day.  There was different feeling in the air today – dare I say a feeling of hope?  I looked through the peep’s posts and decided to write one myself to English speaking jobs in Zurich.  I listed my degrees and stated what my desire was.  Within minutes a few responses were forthcoming – one stated what I wanted to hear:  “Switzerland invests more in social care than any other country on earth.  I guarantee you’ll have a decent job within weeks.”  This is good.  Of course, I need to first have my degrees recognized there, but that can happen.  

Ethan was up around 10 and dressed and ready by 10:30.  He was nervous, but still so willing.  At 11 Nora showed up and came in, introducing herself to Ethan.  I am so grateful she reads this and knows the things I’ve written so she knows what to expect.  Within minutes they were out the door, heading off to explore the antique fair, get to know one another and get some ice cream.  

I have no idea how it gets through, but we know it exists.  We have heard it, Annie barks at it, and one night it ate all of Maggie’s Latvian chocolate (seriously – it took off the lid and ate every chocolate.  Bastard mouse.  But still – how do I get rid of him if I don’t know where he is?  They returned around 12:30 and worked in math together easily for another 45 minutes.  I cannot describe the relief on my heart of someone helping my son in something he has always struggled and most important of all – him not fighting it!   The kids and I had a lovely Sunday lunch of beet salad, pork chips and rösti left-overs, then needed to get going – so much to get done before the eclipse!

First to hospice where I wanted to look for books, magazines, etc for collages.  I am hoping to find some Not White People.    Next to Costco where I picked up my contacts.  We were to meet Chris in Folsom at Karen’s Bakery, where we would celebrate Maggie’s birthday desserting (instead of dinner), but lo and behold!  IT was closed!  I texted Chris and he responded with news:  Rob the Vacuum Dude didn’t have the vacuum today.  Did I need to borrow one?  Oh good golly no!  And this was perfect as the kids and I could adventure, so we headed off.  Maggie decided we would have Snooks’ candy for her desserting and Chicago Fire Pizza for her birthday dinner.  We had the BEST  of times, yet had NO IDEA the delight which was about to manifest.  As we headed back to  the car, Ethan started  trying to get down this very prickly-pokey balls hanging on a tree.  OH MY GOSH, they HURT!  But that kid kept at it.  As we rounded the corner, we say many more which had fallen, some of them dried, and inside, was this curious little item which looked remarkably like a chestnut.  No way, but still, he tried it  - and tasted nothing.  So I grabbed one (I’m sure Yacubian would frown on this) and tired it.  Then I looked it up (brilliant second move). It was.  They were. OH MY GOD!  What we had just been discussing with passion at dinner (once we get to Zurich) was HERE.  Unbelievable.  We loaded up in the car, but then Ethan couldn’t find his candy, so we drive back and looked.  It was nowhere to be found.  I thought about looking for that woman with the baby stroller when I noticed a bulge in Ethan’s pants and asked, “Is it in your pocket?”  “Oh.”  with a laugh.  I think he feels a sense of relief form the prison he has encased himself in and his Joy is shining brightly.

We quickly headed to Target to grab a Soda Stream (Ethan and I are going through too much soda water, I should have done this years ago) and headed up.  OF course there were clouds.  I blame myself.  I told Chris yesterday I would make it be cloudy today and someone listened.  By the time we got home there were clouds all along the back where the moon usually appeared.  I thought for some reason that eclipse time was 7:30 – so we started with the soda stream, roasted some chestnuts and got busy with Doctor Who.   It wasn’t til I noticed a post from my old neighbor that I looked outside, and there She  shone  in all her Glory!  Maggie and I climbed onto the roof (where I could have died).  We oo’d and aah’d (my camera battery was dead) so I took the prerequisite iPhone shot, avec flash, and then “So…had enough?”  “Yep!” and we climbed down again.  Doctor Who entertained us and then the weekend drew to a close.  It was a lovely weekend with my children.  Ethan completed some homework but more importantly found an advocate who can help him with math and himself.  I couldn’t be more thankful.

Pictures:  Figuring out the soda machine; Hanging at Chicago Fire; Folsom shines; Oh, my...what have we here?

September 25, 2015

Today’s early rise time wasn’t because of the Boy, but because Maggie’s Quoia Café and I had a workshop on using art in therapy.  I had been looking forward to this, though after the emotion of the past few days, my heart wasn’t in it.  I hadn’t slept very well, either.  Ethan was showering when I awoke, which surprised me, but he had been asleep at nine again (so unusual). Later, when we were getting ready, I saw him get his medicine without being prompted.  He understands.   I dropped the kids off at school I headed to Folsom and made it just in time.  

Lisa Mitchell has been hailed by several therapists I know as an incredible art therapist and I found this to be true.  The workshop was filled with so many incredible methods of using art as a medium in getting to a deeper layer in an individual, and all by their own discoveries.  Art is a powerful tool which can allow the subconscious to speak, to let its voice be heard and while I do not look at myself an artist by any stretch, I am so excited about the endless possibilities this will give to me.  I hate to say this part, though…as much as I was looking forward to this day, I was so emotionally fraught that I started yawning within 5 minutes and it continued most of the day.  I did tell Lisa after lunch why I was yawning, but she hadn’t even noticed.  I had, though.  

I learned about mandala without lines, to allow the client to create their own, I learned about creating art from squiggles and how a box is a gateway to magic (and keeps desired things contained), I learned why I should cut out pictures for collages and that the art is the voice – not the client’s trauma, history or self.  The client speaks through the art.  Lunch was at Karen’s Café and I dined with an kick ass 71 year old therapist named Peg from Berkeley who I hope I am like when I am that age.  She was a hoot and a half.  We headed back down for the rest of the day and learned more…so many wonderful tings.  I signed up for her art program (along with my trauma therapy I’m doing now and I’ll be starting Nurturing Heart program as soon as I’m done with my Capstone (tomorrow, hopefully).  Not even done and I’m already heading in three different directions (though certainly not as intense as grad school).

I headed home, grabbed my art back and flew back to work for my 5 o’clock client.  Fortunately she was early, so we began and I was able o use some of what I had learned a few hours before.  I finished notes and drove home.  As I walked in to the house, I quietly asked, “Is anyone here?” and Ethan answered, “yes…” sitting there working on homework.  He had gotten an entire page done (I hope) with help from a friend.  That last part makes me a little antsy, but I’ll make sure.  He was in a lighter mood, much, much lighter…which made me happy, but….is everything right?  How is there such a drastic change from last night?  We ended up taking the dogs to the park and he enjoyed the dogs running around so joyously.  We talked, a great deal.  I am hesitant because I know this kid… life isn’t so easy-go-lucky for him…and I’m not so naive.  We headed to get shows and a few shirts and I asked if he understood why there would be a restriction placed on his iPhone.  He did, he said, so we’ll just see if it sticks.  I told him I am always here for him and to please communicate with me about trouble or confusion…don’t say “fine.”

 

Ethan and I are very excited about cold rainy winter nights with chili, but as that is not yet, we ended up at home with our girl, where we spent the evening watching Doctor Who.  This evening my little Tribe was itself again – not that it isn’t itself when there are challenges, but tonight hearts laughed together together.  

 Pictures: My works from the art workshop; Bad Moon Rising - such a big moon; And suddenly, he's just a kid again, MY kid,  getting size 13 running shoes for gym.

Septmeber 21, 2015

Around 4, 4:17 a.m.  to be precise, I woke up with my thoughts focused on a meeting about Ethan Thursday morning (I hope).  It is yet another meeting to help Ethan become more successful in school….  I have been doing these meetings (and many others) for over 11 years now and to be honest, I don’t see it changing here.  All the right words are said, I know the hearts are in the right places, but the bottom line is this:  My son learns in a different way than most of his peers.  It takes more explanations, different ways of examples, and in general, a lot of patience because he hates school.  After 11 years of “Ethan struggles in…” or “We want to help than overcome his struggles…” or even him writing “I struggle..”, “I could try harder…”, “my goal is to finish…”, “my biggest hurdle is…”.  The weight is unbearable.  There have been IEPs and 504s.  Still, he is always behind.  I know, because the second he is with me, we are in my room, laptop out and we are working.  I know he hates it, but he is diligent about it.    Willingly walking that gang plank every day.  Makes me think of 2 weeks ago with the dread in his voice as he mentioned the whole year which lay before him.  I will say it again, I can’t figure out the damn homework assignments, how the hell is he supposed to?  How is this 504 helping him?  L and I talked Saturday.  He thinks we should just finish out the school year.  I don’t know.  I am filled with dread..reminded of the definition of insanity – trying the same thing again and again, expecting different results.  It doesn’t work, I know this personally.  I know the biggest advocate of Ethan is himself, but he very clearly  is not on the same team as I am, because he doesn’t think he is worth it – he has never tasted that thrill of victory in realizing what an incredible kid he is, so how is that to change here?

I took Maggie to school (she had stayed the weekend with me, Ethan was at L’s house) and on the way she asked me when I started dating.  Mind you – it was different for me – I was in Zurich living with Tanti, able to commute all over the city and outskirts on my own and I was also very mature and independent.  We talked about that, because there are two very different subjects at hand here -  “dating” as it is now classified by some, is hanging out with groups of kids and that special someone.  A large number of kids are doing this now and putting off the serious one-on-one stuff until later.  The other “dating” refers to sex.  This is something which also deals with the physiological aspects of development as hormones are very active in teens.  I told Maggie in my eyes, the most important thing was honest communication with her partner.  1 in 4 girls under the age of 18 is raped.  There are often unwanted pregnancies.  I had a pregnancy at a young (to me) age despite using birth control.  Her father fathered a child at a young age.  These are frequent talks I have with both of my children at the drop of a hat. I think sex is a very normal and natural thing – educating our kids is paramount

After that home and back to Capstone.  I had heard back from Weber and was able to get a lot of it completed – for now.  The biggest issue I have is formatting.  At 2 I had a very fancy appointment with Nicole to get my hair “done.”  This is, without a doubt, the most exhilarating thing I have going on right now – that hair washing…oh my god.  I made “feel good” noises very quietly (and unintentionally) as she washed my hair, which is good as she might freak out.  I think she did a fabulous job giving my hair a beautiful look.  After she finished styling, I convinced her to tale some shots of my so I can change my LinkedIn photo .

Quick rush home to throw chicken in the oven for a roast, then off to the store to pick up a few things for the kids and myself.  Day 6 or maybe 7 of eggs and spinach!  Jake would be so proud.  Ran into so many people I knew there: Erin from Union Mine, Cherie from CMP and Janette from New Morning.  It almost felt like an intervention.  After this,  I headed to CMP for a Math 2 lesson for parents (on how to help our kids).  Oh I would do anything to help this boy.  I’d even take Math again.  Really.  I just don’t know what to do – he needs a psychic change (yes, a little AA talk here) towards school.

At home, we enjoyed roasted chicken and rösti.  It was quite delicious.  We re-watched the Doctor Who from yesterday with Strax and then Ethan and I got busy on his homework.  He didn’t last long though…he soon fell asleep, so I sent him to bed.  He mentioned he hasn’t been sleeping well at his dad’s and I know football wears him out.  I am more determined than ever to help this kid.  At one point things will click.  This is not an uncommon scenario for many boys and I, for one, will do whatever I can to support him.

Pics 'n Flicks: This is Ethan as he creates himself Peanuts-style. ; Mags with her face mask (right on time - I was doing the same at her age); Here I am, Sepia-style after Nicole's terrific job at Bella Capelli; Strax - this guy.  Oh.My.God.  lovelolvelovelovelove.  I guess I like men in uniform, just  never thought it'd be a Sontaran commander.

September 20, 2015

Universe always seems to know what I need and this morning it gave me Tim Walker.  Tim sat behind me in AP English in highs school at Lee before my accident (if I remember correctly, which I often don’t around those years).  The year following the accident I was no longer in AP anything, if that gives you a hint of where I was, but that is neither here nor there.  The bottom line is that Tim motivates me.  I feel guilty because all our conversations have me in a whiny position (This is my perspective, because I am in my head and know how I sound) asking this and that and how to do this or that.  Someday, I will not be that person.  Still, I needed to be that person this morning because I was feeling quite meh, thus Tim came to the rescue.  He gave me some advice on writing and how to actually create something.  This excites me, hence immediately after finishing with Tim, I got as far from pen and paper as possible and began cleaning (let’s not forget I have my capstone revision to work on).

I’m not even sure how that began.  Oh, wait!  It was the mouse!  I noticed the dogs both looking intently under the rack where all the sheets and towels are, so I knew the mouse was under there.  I immediately began moving things and then all the papers and such-what-not stacked on top of the filing cabinet fell and …the game was on.  The mouse ended up being a small white ball with hundreds of dimples in it, which suited me fine.  I threw on some Mother Hips and got busy.  I cleaned the rack up, sorted out old sheets and towels and cleaned out the file cabinet, organizing the file folders.  I still want to get rid of it, but I think now is not the time.  It will be useful for the next however long.  If Europe happens next summer, I’ll sell it then, if not, I’ll get rid of it at some point and find a smaller one. 

I contacted Joette to find out what was actually needed for the Valley Fire victims.  I doubted they needed a record player or a lithograph.  She reported back old cell phones, computers and winter clothes.  I don’t have that(other than the clothes), but I still want to see what can be done to help.  Maybe I could hold a Valley Fire garage sale and all the proceeds go to them…or the Butte fire.  Both are bad: 535 homes/347 outbuildings in the Butte fire and 888 homes in the valley fire.  Winter is around the corner, too.  

I noticed more holes where mice had moved the steel wool, so I repacked it.  They are nothing if not tenacious.  The back room is not very sound, at all.  I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned.  In the end though, it seemed I was simply repacking all the crap.  This is what gets me.  I don’t just want to get rid of things which have some value.  And there is not much room in this little house of under 1,000 sq feet.  It’s this stuff.  Stuff, stuff, stuff.  Gotta have stuff, right?

 

Finally, Mags and I sat down to a dinner I made and watching Doctor Who.  This was wonderful and I have fallen in love not only with Strax (again), but with Doctor Who as well. Yes, he’s older, but I always had a thing for older guys (even L was 9 years older).

Pictures:  This is the kind of stuff I have in this house: a map of Guadalajara in 1984 and prints of Pancho Villa's beckoning for soldiers; Two pictures I found the kids had drawn; Mags and Annie enjoying some Doctor Who.