March 11, 1016

A rainy morning – definitely a cowboy boot day.

Glided into work, feeling good.  There are FEW plans for this weekend, which I like.  Lots of calls and sessions.  I like the supervisor.  He’s a funny guy.

At 3, I was out – bought some Einkorn flour (yes, bad plans), went to the GO for some groceries.  This is where the homeless folks who frequent this area come when it’s raining…their pungent smells as they shuffle around with grocery carts -  trying to stay dry for just a little bit.  I don’t know what they do with the items they put in that cart because they have no cash to buy them.  I have learned about homeless pride though – and so I go about my way.

 

Once home, I threw an Amy’s pizza in the oven and concocted my cranberry magic (just a little piece).  One second thought, I shouldn’t have thrown that butter in the mix – it had garlic in it, which I discovered when I ate the CC.

Gathering items for Hipnic.  My 4 days of heaven– more like 3 this time because of Brian and Lindsay’s wedding that Monday, but that’ll be nice, too. 

Pictures: A boot day; I need a bigger bus; Reading The Body Keeps The Sccore, by Bessel Van Der Kolk.  VERY interesting on trauma and teh brain.

January 13, 2016

I slept late again – 5:55 (alarm). To be fair, my sleep was interrupted – by rain: beautiful, beautiful rain.

Early client, then supervision and meetings at juvenile hall.   Sessions with the kids (you know where this goes)…

…on my way home, I saw an SUV with 2 mattresses tied on the top with bungee cords driving about 80 mph, so the were mattresses bent back and off the car by 3 feet.  Had those bungees snapped, there would have been several car accidents.  This ridiculous woman about 24 years old was driving like a bat outta hell and looked shocked when I passed her with the “WHAT-IN-HELL’S-NAME-ARE-YOU-DOING”??? look on my face.  I guess driving 65 and in the right-hand lane would have been crimping her style.

Home to steak and broccoli and the boy had 4 hotdogs, plus steak and broccoli.  We have hit that age of disappearing food, it seems.  We cut out pictures from magazines for my clients since ALL of mine have disappeared since the move.  

I have been titrating my medicine down for months and decided yesterday that I shall, once again, try to stop.  In the last 6 years since my last attempt, my dosage has been so low with such a mild SSRI that I believe I can finally, after decades (since my head injury when I was 16) be free.  If things don’t seem to work or when/if the depression comes back, I know exactly what to do and whom to contact.  I have been riding this rodeo for a while and am the expert on my mental needs, trust me.  I look forward to a day of not being “on” anything, which also includes the removal of my IUD (which releases small amounts of hormones and has worked very well!  I’ve been sex-free ever since I’ve had it!!).  I long to be free of anything until the next phase in my life when I need to be on medications for something or other. 

Pictures: Mags working on homework; crazy-ass lady speeding with mattresses; Canvas of rain clouds

November 2, 1015

This morning, beloved and much needed rain was falling – so I didn’t go for a walk.  I couldn’t do yoga because we had packed up the DVD player, so I got coffee and sat in bed, listening to the rain.  These mornings are so beautiful to me, and I’m always so happy with the sound of rainfall.  It had been such a joy to be in touch with Brent.  A thousand happy memories flooded my brain…he had always made me smile and was a very good friend – the brother I never had.   Those are the thoughts to hang on to.  Funny – as soon as I burned the bad, good happened.  Thank you, Universe.

I had no real plans – other than meeting Sean at 4:15 and bringing a wedding shower gift to school by 2, so got back to the CDs and the mundane jobs you have to get finished before you can move on to the next step.  Always the next step…  Because it was Monday – that meant The Bookery was buying books.    I headed down and got $50 cash (rather than $65 credit)  - I have about $80 worth  of credit here saved at the house, so I can go down and select a nice book or two.

I also headed to storage and saw that A) it’s pretty full, so I’m looking forward to the storage lot sale we’ll have Saturday morning.  I have a lot of decent stuff to sell.  If I can’t sell it there, it’ll go to Craig’s List or Ebay.  I also noticed B) my back is done.    I need to stretch it out and must stop carrying things/  I started reading the Amanda Palmer book last night : the Art of Asking. It is something I don’t do, unless it’s around recovery.  Yet, physically, this is something I should really consider learning how to do, because I am in no place to be lifting 100 + pound boxes.

Eventually it was time to pick up my Maggie.  I was so excited about seeing the Camino house with here.  We did an errand and then headed up.  The clouds hung low in the tips of the pine trees, and the rain drizzled in the air, as if it had lost its energy.  We pulled in to the driveway and…she gasped with excitement.  It is such a cute house…sitting ideally in the trees, just peeking out a bit to keep an eye on the detached 2-car garage.  We explored the house together – one small room downstairs (I would take that one) and two lovely large rooms upstairs (kids would get those).  The kitchen overlooks a wonderful backyard with a hot tub (not sure if it works or not) and a gas fireplace overlooks the living area (plus a formal dining room, where we’d stick the tv).  It is so beautiful, and as I told Sean, in the 20 years I’ve lived in California, I’ve never been in a place I’ve loved.  Not to say I haven’t enjoyed my homes, because really, how lucky are we to have shelter, right?  But no, never had a home I’ve loved.  Tomorrow, I look at Rescue.  That house is perfect in that it has everything – I wouldn’t have to buy a washer/dryer, but we’ll see.

After we ate a delicious chicken dinner which I cooked in the slow cooker (only meat and plants for me guys – except for einkorn flour…like Hugh said ) the kids and I sat down to try to learn how to play Catan, a strategy game.  After we listening to the lame dude on the instruction app explain, the kids were semi-hooked.  I actually had to beg them to stop because I’m so tired and still had to write this.  I think once we learn the game “fer reals”, we’ll be good.  I really think this game (and Carcassone) are The Answer.

Pictures: Catan - I will trade you some wheat for ore; Eier zumFrühstück  ; I love dark skies....

October 17, 2015

This is how bad my body wanted sleep – at 3 or 4 a.m., when the lightening and the rain hit super hard and many people I knew got up to watch the lightning storm, I was pissed at being woken up, rolled over and blocked my ears with a pillow.   At 7:30 I was woken up by a flash flood alert.  I live on a damn hill, no worries there.  Still, I took it to be a sign and got up – sipping coffee as I listened to the rain. I do love that.

It was time to start packing up.  There is SO very much stuff.  I have lived here almost 5 years and have made this my home!  I was still very uncertain – do I rent or buy a house?   Yesterday at work, our social worker Darryl, whom I absolutely adore, asked me a question about my multi-faceted situation, smiling with those sweet, gentle eyes: Do I have a friend to talk this over with?  Well….  I have lots of friends, but a best friend?  A close one? Someone who knows  me?  No…I don’t.  I was just about to call L, who knows me very well, when I saw Olivia’s name.  Of course – my sister.  And I am so glad I spoke with her; buying a house out here wouldn’t be smart.  I don’t want to live here.  

 Granted, my children’s father is here and I understand how important it is for them to have him in their lives, but I think Europe will be a fabulous experience for them. I also got the PCC aspect of my degree so I could go wherever in the Unites States in the future.   

For some lame reason, I just couldn’t pack.  Some for the next house, some for Europe (or storage) some for sale.  I posted tons of thing to sell in our community page and kid's movies were flying off the shelves.  Within an hour most were claimed.  Easily $600 worth of Disney and I’ll make about $60…but – it all goes to our family fund.  Cool.  We may end up with a GoPro yet.  I had filled out and sent in the application for an house near us – heard back, it was blank so I sent it again and haven’t heard back yet.  It’s 3bd/2ba with a stove pellet-fireplace thingy – which would be rad over the winter.  Took the dogs to the park after the rain stopped and after some running, I drove by and there it is….  Fingers super crossed. Finally, somehow, my mind figured it out – I’m really packing for Europe.  Shift that thinking, reframe and BOOM!  It worked!  Naturally the first place I started was books.  I know, I know, I should have started with clothes, done the Tidying Up method, but this is…I dunno.  Different?  I think if I didn’t have so many bookshelves of books, it’d be easier.  I saw one of The Bookery owners at the store and let her know I was going to be seeing her soon…even the case of philosophers (54 books) shall have to go back.  Heartbroken over that one, but I really want CH.

I headed to Home Depot to get some bubble wrap so the fragile vases and things like the Navajo bowl could be wrapped up nicely.  I’m putting books in, then the fragile items.  Distribution.  As I drove home, I was at the stop light, listening to Go By Ocean when the car next to me revved up his motor.  I looked over and there was this guy, staring at me with this cheesy “Hey babe” look.  I gave him a look of utter annoyance.  And I wonder why guys don’t hit on me.  Back home with the bubble warp, I got busy.  At one point I stepped on it and it really sounded like gunfire (well, mini-gunfire) – I freaked out, just like in movies and started hopping and yelping.   Quite amusing.  By now, my back was hurting from improper lifting (always) and the residuals of stress.  There is no place to stretch out here – the whole house is a mess, because initially I started in one room, moved to another, then another.  A neighbor told me no – one room at a time, so eventually, I just focused on my antiquarian books in the living room.  

Until now…sitting in bed, wishing I could pop my back out, listening to the remnants of the rain falling from the trees onto the wet ground.  A cool breeze coming in through the window.  Oh, I have so much to do, but my attitude has shifted.  It’ll be ok.  It is horrible to be so afraid…I am certainly not very strong.  There is much to work towards still, but I have more faith.  That Jack Kerouac quote helped so much – “Because in the end, you won’t remember the time you spent working in an office or mowing your lawn.  Climb that goddamn mountain.” 

Pictures:  This sparks my Joy; Bill S.