October 17, 2015

This is how bad my body wanted sleep – at 3 or 4 a.m., when the lightening and the rain hit super hard and many people I knew got up to watch the lightning storm, I was pissed at being woken up, rolled over and blocked my ears with a pillow.   At 7:30 I was woken up by a flash flood alert.  I live on a damn hill, no worries there.  Still, I took it to be a sign and got up – sipping coffee as I listened to the rain. I do love that.

It was time to start packing up.  There is SO very much stuff.  I have lived here almost 5 years and have made this my home!  I was still very uncertain – do I rent or buy a house?   Yesterday at work, our social worker Darryl, whom I absolutely adore, asked me a question about my multi-faceted situation, smiling with those sweet, gentle eyes: Do I have a friend to talk this over with?  Well….  I have lots of friends, but a best friend?  A close one? Someone who knows  me?  No…I don’t.  I was just about to call L, who knows me very well, when I saw Olivia’s name.  Of course – my sister.  And I am so glad I spoke with her; buying a house out here wouldn’t be smart.  I don’t want to live here.  

 Granted, my children’s father is here and I understand how important it is for them to have him in their lives, but I think Europe will be a fabulous experience for them. I also got the PCC aspect of my degree so I could go wherever in the Unites States in the future.   

For some lame reason, I just couldn’t pack.  Some for the next house, some for Europe (or storage) some for sale.  I posted tons of thing to sell in our community page and kid's movies were flying off the shelves.  Within an hour most were claimed.  Easily $600 worth of Disney and I’ll make about $60…but – it all goes to our family fund.  Cool.  We may end up with a GoPro yet.  I had filled out and sent in the application for an house near us – heard back, it was blank so I sent it again and haven’t heard back yet.  It’s 3bd/2ba with a stove pellet-fireplace thingy – which would be rad over the winter.  Took the dogs to the park after the rain stopped and after some running, I drove by and there it is….  Fingers super crossed. Finally, somehow, my mind figured it out – I’m really packing for Europe.  Shift that thinking, reframe and BOOM!  It worked!  Naturally the first place I started was books.  I know, I know, I should have started with clothes, done the Tidying Up method, but this is…I dunno.  Different?  I think if I didn’t have so many bookshelves of books, it’d be easier.  I saw one of The Bookery owners at the store and let her know I was going to be seeing her soon…even the case of philosophers (54 books) shall have to go back.  Heartbroken over that one, but I really want CH.

I headed to Home Depot to get some bubble wrap so the fragile vases and things like the Navajo bowl could be wrapped up nicely.  I’m putting books in, then the fragile items.  Distribution.  As I drove home, I was at the stop light, listening to Go By Ocean when the car next to me revved up his motor.  I looked over and there was this guy, staring at me with this cheesy “Hey babe” look.  I gave him a look of utter annoyance.  And I wonder why guys don’t hit on me.  Back home with the bubble warp, I got busy.  At one point I stepped on it and it really sounded like gunfire (well, mini-gunfire) – I freaked out, just like in movies and started hopping and yelping.   Quite amusing.  By now, my back was hurting from improper lifting (always) and the residuals of stress.  There is no place to stretch out here – the whole house is a mess, because initially I started in one room, moved to another, then another.  A neighbor told me no – one room at a time, so eventually, I just focused on my antiquarian books in the living room.  

Until now…sitting in bed, wishing I could pop my back out, listening to the remnants of the rain falling from the trees onto the wet ground.  A cool breeze coming in through the window.  Oh, I have so much to do, but my attitude has shifted.  It’ll be ok.  It is horrible to be so afraid…I am certainly not very strong.  There is much to work towards still, but I have more faith.  That Jack Kerouac quote helped so much – “Because in the end, you won’t remember the time you spent working in an office or mowing your lawn.  Climb that goddamn mountain.” 

Pictures:  This sparks my Joy; Bill S.