May 6, 2015

Because of the late night, there was so much fear in oversleeping (despite the alarm) that I awoke 40 minutes before the alarm and then couldn’t get back to sleep.  A fine howdoyado there. So hell…up I am.   My earworm this morning were Anything-Chris-Robinson.  That man’s voice has its own soul.  I love it.

Work was fine.  I was not as tired as expected but also not as “perky” as usual.  Still, the descent continues….14 days:84 hours.

I was planning on coming home and getting paperwork completed, yet I ended up trying to nap, instead.  It didn’t work, there were too many “gottas” in my head.  I am feeling somewhat of a complacency issue taking place.  Rather than coming home and getting to work on my one day “off” after work, I rebelled by not doing anything.  Anarchy against Self at its laziest.

I am struggling with this 20 pounds of snuggle material my boobs and belly are holding onto.  I realize the last few years have been busy and stressful, in a number of ways, but the time is over.  I must stop sabotaging myself and stop this ridiculous love affair with nachos.  NONE of them are as good as La Bodega, in my opinion, and I am constantly left wanting every time.  Nachos really are my heroin and it’s time to break the cycle.  NA has taken on a whole new meaning for me.  <wink>

The reason I bring up these little bastards of melted goodness is because I visited my dealer again today (I got a kid’s burrito as well ,what a disappointment).  I went in a daring manner – without a bra on, since every time I get home the clothes come off, unless kids are here.  I’m not sure why  I feel the need to state that each time…they’ve both seen me naked before, for Chris’sakes and I don’t have anything that special.  Still, I felt the need to go bra-less in preparation for living in Europe. OF COURSE there were some kids from my school there (first time ever that I’ve noticed, but then there is a big UM/ElDo game today).  I did well in using my arms effectively to bloke any horrible Came home and like I champ, I ordered TWO graduation robes/hoods/tassles, etc.    I suck.    Looking forward to another hectic, travel-y weekend.

Pictures: High school love; Even in the wind, the Beauty remains.

May 5, 2015

I was in bed early last night, but 3 or 4 episodes of my show kept me from sleeping until the usual  time I go to sleep.  I slept deeply, though.  I think I'm feeling some power...maybe that's the wrong word.  I'm feeling more secure in myself. I hate to make it sound like I'm this scared child...I'm really not.  Promise.  "Act as if" -this is how I walked into work.  As if everything is ok...because really, it is.  I've got it pretty good -it's all a learning experience for me, about myself, about how I play with others.   I noticed something which I understood (my perception, which isn't always right) to be an olive branch:  writing on the board (as an example for a student) of the NFL with Dallas (my team) above Philly (his team).   15 days.

Bell!  Time for supervision!  I mentioned to the buffer (the sub) that I was off to my second job and quickly headed out.  Quick stop to get Lizzie in for an ignition starter and then to Susan.  This time, there were cases to discuss and I was pleased that my initial diagnosis was correct.  I don't have the verbiage yet, but once I'm seeing more clients  it'll be terrific.

CRB!!! Into the car and off to Nevada City where I made record time to sit and wait.  I think if if I lived in this area instead, I might be more peaceful with my surroundings.  This is such a lovely area.

The show was pretty cool.  Other than the fact that I don't know many of these self-proclaimed freaks, I like the vibe better than at Hip shows: it's calmer, more laid back.  I was able to introduce to my dreamboat man-crush-musician, Neal Casal,  by doing some name-throwing (my music sister Shari Neece), but I didn't want to be groupie-like and let him be after the introduction.   I don't think he fell in love with me, but we'll see ("act as if" see above). After break, the vibe shifted a bit...men kept grabbing me and wanting to dance (which brought back Bob nightmares from a BroCo show here in Nevada City a few years ago).  I retreated to the back and stayed to myself.  I truly believe I'm becoming a spinster crone.

As the last song began, I said my goodbyes and headed out.  I didn't want to be caught in the throngs of


people leaving.  "Old" U2 (pre Joshua Tree)was my accompaniment....many of these songs I haven't heard since I lived in Switzerland.  Beautiful, happy memories.  I shaved half an hour in the driving time and am not too late to bed.  This is all prep-work for Hipnic.



Pictures: CRB; The Freak flag; Shadow of a thing; My affirmation for today.

May 4, 2015

Dropped off those kids again…another school week without them (I get them back Saturday, though, for Mother’s Day).  I had a “Deadman Walking” walk to do….

HOW did I know I was going to be okay today?  I saw a Jedi at school, which changed my mindset just enough…then surprise schedule changes, which was another wink from the Universe…and then my silent angel called in for a buffer for tomorrow. I can do this.  I have done nothing wrong, but the words & behaviors have done a lot to wear me down in the last 3 years.  16 days.

After work I managed to get some important phone calls made in the parking lot, one to my financial advisor to set up an appointment, which should have happened months ago.  Off to my second job.

 

The paperwork has begun.  Suddenly I am baffled and confused as to what goes where and in which order.  It has become clear why I was told in the beginning that it is ok to ask again, again, and again.  I shall need to.  I meet my clients for intake and am looking forward to meeting with this person.  I feel we had a good, strong beginning.  After 11 hours, I'm headed home...

...Where I made myself some Baba Ganoush for dinner..but then I managed to eat the whole sleeve of crackers.  Cleary portion control is an issue for me. Tomorrow is going to be a LATE night, but shall include some Chris Robinson Brotherhood, so I am looking very forward to that..plus Chico festival Saturday and Whole Earth festival on Sunday with my kids.  I love festivals…music…and….? 

 Pictures:   The Swiss Touring Club, the only sticker on Lizzie.  My connection to my goal <3; The track at Union Mine

May 3, 2015

The dog woke me in the midst of the night, with her shrill, ear-shredding bark.  Must be a squirrel or an ant...<then my brain kicked in to high gear and I thought of bears and meth-prone people>.  Soon, she went to bed and the other one (with the boys) started.  It went back and forth like this for most of the night.  Melatonin for dogs.  Seriously.

 

Eventually I slept continuously for a bit...then got up and started my coffee.   It was nice sitting in my little bus, readying in peace and quiet.  Eventually it was time to get the bacon and eggs going, but just as all the bacon was done, the boys said they were going on a walk, so I relaxed more.  There is no time table here...well, there is, but I am pretending for a little bit. Once they got back. I made them eggs, Ethan came back saying "That was so good!  If God made a breakfast sandwich, it would taste like that."   Nice to hear.  He wanted to show me the area they had found, but my head was exploding (I had many nightmares about my co-worker) and I had to pick Maggie up at 1.  We started packing things up (my share was simple), yet the boy was not happy and was sulking around like a sore loser.  That was IT.  I had done SO many things for him in the last week and I was SICK <and tired> of this attitude.  I let him know that.

Friend was dropped off, Maggie was picked up.  We went home.  There was much to do and I needed rest <wouldn't happen, of course>  I also had to return things to Target and pick up a list of items from there.  Naturally...I discovered later, few of them worked and will have to be returned again.  I quit.

Mags and I went to Sky Sushi for dinner.  It is interesting with her being vegetarian, but I applaud her.  She is sticking to it and has done a great job of it.  Back at home, Boy had accomplished none of what I asked, though he did manage to get all his stuff done ,and to be fair, he gave the dogs a bath and I didn't ask him to).

It is close, though I'm not quite sure what "it" is. There is the feeling within that it is about to change.  Maybe it's the 17 more days, maybe it's career, maybe it's country.  Who knows, but who cares.  I'm ready.

Pictures:  The owl from last year's Hipnic; The boys enjoying breakfast; My reading area; Sushi roll of the night "Hot Cougar": Clip of Mabi and her "stick"

May 2, 2015

My Saturday began as so many do:  Up, read a little, got a call from Sweet Clare who supported me on being in difficult work situations, then I chatted with Tim a bit.  

Yet from almost the get go, I was so overwhelmed: house is a mess... the kids seem have no idea how to do things like when you take something out, put it away.  The male offspring, especially. MY.BRAIN.IS.ON.EDGE.  I jumped on them, but felt guilty (thanks, Catholic baptism), so I apologized.  It isn't really about them, it's about me and how I’m reacting.

I set off to get a few things accomplished:  post office, then Home Depot.  Bought the bulb, got the bulb in!  Saw a brief light!!  Then I saw smoke. Shit.  The wiring was very hot.  Not good.  I went home to get to get Mags who had a date at a friend’s birthday party, then I had to race back to start prepping for the camping outing I had promised the boy (or he had guilted me into)  A friend of his had never been camping before, so I said we could go..but today is NOT being a very nice day.  Plus, I’m really struggling with this as he isn’t helping a lot to make things happen.  To be fair, I know I’m having a very off day…ok, off-week.  So…let’s do this.

Whoever said girls are louder than boys needs to have their head examined.  Girls whisper quietly as they talk about boys.  Boys, however, bellow loudly as all that pubescent testosterone courses through their blood.  We had finally found a camping site, somewhere off of Mormon Emigrant Trail, about 4 miles on a long and narrow winding road.  Lots and LOTS of gun ranges.  Lots and LOTS of loud guns.  Still, once we found our far, far away spot, it wasn’t too bad.  

 Due to my Very Bad Terrible Day, after we were set up (boys were in a tent and I was in the bus), I mostly read.  They had fun, I would assume, hanging out and being on their own, 25 feet away from me.  I enjoyed reading a book for the first time in a long, long time.  Soon, it was time for sleep.

 Pictures:  The road to our camp site; Sitting in the bus, reading; Our location; My first experience with running water in the bus.

May 1, 2015

I awoke up with dread in my heart...long before the alarm clock was due to ring and I couldn’t go back to sleep.  I decided to use the time wisely and wrote a letter to the union area president. This situation has, once again, left me feeling like the utmost of failures, yet another point in my life (it seems to come around every three years or so) when I revert to feeling like dirt.  People such as the one I am dealing with have a natural gift of coaxing out my Enemy Within, that pitiful little girl who tells me I’m  a loser and I can’t do anything right.  So many years in education and so many bad situations with such broken people and I see the common factor: me, yet I am fucking tired of this and am putting a stop to it as best I can.

At school, I received something very powerful – a note telling me the president of the union chapter would be at the school in half an hour and to meet in a specific private office.  I don’t give a damn what anyone says about unions – in a position like mine, these people having my back and supporting me meant the world to me.  I walked out of that meeting ten feet higher. 

After school, I picked up the kids and we headed home, yet suddenly…on the freeway…Lizzie…sta…rted…aga…in.   Ohhellno…please!!!  Don’t do this again!  But something was too familiar and I exited quickly to stop by Chevron (stalling under the one of the many red lights we hit).  14 gallons later, (this time the gas gauge is going from far past full to just about full, which seems to be the new measurement) we headed home with a lot of power.  This girl is killing me, though there is a lot of joy in the death, I drove to my site early to fill out some paper work and telephone calls/setting up additional intakes before my client arrived at 5.

The plan this Friday evening was to go to our school musical. “Anything Goes.”  Ethan didn’t seem to be very thrilled at all, but Maggie was excited and dressed up for the occasion.  I was astounded at the talent of these kids – suddenly they weren’t the students I spend all week with, rather, they were skilled actors with enormous talent.  I am saddened that this is the first play I have seen, but can guarantee that it shan’t be my last.  Even Ethan was grinning broadly during one of the scenes filled with double entendre.  I whistled loudly during specific scenes so Joe would know I was there (We had established the whistle as our “code” earlier that day). I didn’t think he’d be able to see my “solo-person-doing-the-wave” so I didn’t even bother with that.  After the play he ran out front to greet me and I hugged him fiercely.  What a cool guy.

 

The kids and I grabbed a pizza and drove home, singing along with The Beatles to watch The Office.  There we are, all three of us, plus dogs, sitting on one half of the sofa as it is a love seat.  It has been a very emotional day from one extreme to the other and I am exhausted.  So grateful it is Friday and I am down to 17 days: 102 hours. 

 Pictures: Union Mine's "Anything Goes" performance.  What an incredible show!; The Note; Seventeen days.