October 5, 2015

Up before the alarm this morning – I had slept so nicely that I decided another 45 minutes wouldn’t do very much.   Still felt that heaviness of heart.  I hate these periods.   I’m never quite sure if it is a surge of depression, a battle I have fought for almost 30 years, or if it was because of people’s attitudes on issues which I hold precious.  I have a feeling it’s the first.

I did a little more cleaning this morning – the landlord had said he would be by with the Realtor at 10, but I wanted to leave earlier, so around 9:30 I found myself at the gym.  I had wow’d myself Friday at burning 698 calories the first session.  I’m not quite sure how I did that – I did the same things I always do – was it because it had been 5 weeks since I'd been and I really surprised my body?  No idea, but today I set the MMA program for 30 minutes.  I was determined to burn hard again.  Only…it shut off after 20 minutes, so I did 100 squats (thank you, Ministry and Mudvayne) and low row/lat machine.  Only 435 calories today but I noticed a LOT less red zone – which means 90-100% effort.  And there I have it.  Or rather, don't.

Of to WinCo and then home…yes, he had been here with his Realtor, yes, I hate when people are in my house which isn’t really mine, which got me to thinking – I have never been looking for a house to buy.  Never had a Realtor, never had a “budget” to match with a home.  I’m not really complaining(although I am) , because there are about a 6 billion people who are with me, so I don’t feel Lone Rangerish or anything…but hearing my sister and her husband just found a great house in Raleigh with a pool makes me sigh, because if I were in the place where I belonged(wherever the hell that is), I could maybe do that.

Client at 4 then a special mission to pick up a tiny alligator figure by Schleich, the German company, which is funny as Weber told me to call him Thor last year due to his German heritage.  I got him this so he won't forget me, and also for myself as a form of closure.   Plus, no one but him has ever called me "Alligator".  I have 2 more classes.   I finally picking up my little ones.  I didn’t see Ethan’s football team out on the field, so I wondered while I was waiting for Mags.  She told me he had a tournament that day at Herbert Green, so in all my wisdom, I headed there as she told me about her field trip, etc.  Pulling in, I saw no cars – no nothing.  Weird.  She said she’d go look for him as I drove around the parking lot again.  Nope.  Still no cars – still no Ethan.  She had the door open and a foot out when she read the sign:  Charles Brown.  She giggled.  I blushed.  So much for my infinite wisdom.  The boy was another 20 years older it seemed, and yes – the voice is changing.  I know this because I heard it crack for a fraction of a second last week.  Grateful it won’t go any lower as I thought I’d have to get special headsets made which could pick up and translate his words for me. 

We headed home and I made dinner – a thin steak with home-made garlic butter, asparagus and a delicious rich salad.  After we ate, Mags cleaned the kitchen without my asking (brownie points) and Ethan read me his book report – HOLY COW, this boy can make words FLOW!  I took Maggie to the store  and as I did she shared some rough moments she had with her volleyball coach, where she was put in her place about her attitude.  She mentioned tears and I empathized.  It feels like you’ve been punched in the gut, huh!?    Poor thing.  I remember those times and talks from people.  I gave her the silver –lining part of it.    The good thing is that I have my kiddos with me again, whom I love so very much.  Mags has a VB tourney at UM on Saturday, we’ll have an adventure of some sort this week.  I love my kids.

Picture:  I made my Shadow take the dogs to the park while I sat in the car and slept.

October 4, 2015

The day began as a Dark one.  There is a shift I have been experiencing and this Shift hit me full force this morning.  I’m not sure what precipitated it yesterday, but I remember a feeling, somewhere, and now, here it is.

I wrote a piece I’ve felt about this constant polarization between peoples in this country.  Granted I lean more towards one side, yet I cannot comprehend this close-minded, shutting-off from either side.  There is NO RIGHT WAY.  Each coin has two sides, so why must people be so narrow-minded?  I do not often “commit” myself to one issue except for pro-choice – I feel women have a right to make their own decisions – but I leave myself open because I think closing one’s mind is harmful.  I can always be taught new things, why aren’t more people like this?  

I had to clean the house.  The landlord is coming by tomorrow with a real-estate agent to possibly refinance. I was worried he might sell the house.  Not the moving is a horrible thing, but I am somewhat overwhelmed right now.,  I didn’t want this added. 

At 4 I showered and headed to Davis– Delfos,  his beautiful wife Francesca and daughter were meeting me at Mikuni sushi.  Before they got there, however, I spoke with a homeless man who was living in a shelter.  He showed me the most beautiful art work he had done.  It was a mandala.  I took this to be a nudge from the Universe.  They soon arrived - it was so wonderful to see them and their daughter was the most precious child I have seen in so very long!  I was introduced to sashimi, sushi and nagiri –which was absolutely delicious!  I was also treated to their story about Buddhism and what they have been learning on their retreats.  This is very interesting to me and comes at a perfect time.

Home – many questions about where I belong, what needs to happen.  I almost feel as if North is happening for me since I’m feeling the urge to be introspective.  I will just…experience and accept.

Pictures: The mandala in Davis; The trees above our outside table at Mikunis.

October 3, 2015

The alarm went off super early this morning... and that was after I woke up at two-something, nervous that I'd missed the alarm set for six. After spending an hour thinking about issues I couldn't solve,  I finally made it back to sleep for mere minutes.  It wasn't till I was on the road that I got word that my paper had been accepted and I was officially done with school, which depresses me to no end.  Seriously,  these people, the instructors, WendyChris'nWeber have been a part of  of my life for the last three years -a pretty integral part and now it's done.  I really hate that.

I made it to San Jose in about two hours, 15.   I got to my friend's house, whom I hadn't seen in a while. It's amazing to think almost 30 years ago we were in a whole different country, beginning on this life and now here we  are approaching the beginning of the last half.  . Has a really cool kid and we picked up two friends so they could go boarding in San Francisco while we hit Hardly Strictly and we headed off. We parked by a friend's incredible apartment with a view of the Golden Gate Bridge.  Absolutely stunning.  It wasn't long until we started to walk: the boys went on their way and we went ours.

Getting there around 1 on  a Saturday is much different than getting there around 10 (two years ago).  There were already crazylotsa people and that kept growing.  We headed over to Arrow Stage where the Brothers Comatose were playing. I whipped out my blanket and we parked ourselves.  It was so incredible just to talk about so many different things: politics, our pasts,  jobs, lives, futures. Catching up with someone after years is incredible and the cool thing is I'll be doing it again tomorrow night with a different AISZ friend.    For almost 30 years, close to nothing and now, everything.  My stars are aligning.

The Music was Great, the People were Rad, the Vibe was Sweet.   We hit Flogging Molly before we left,  taking a long long route back to teh Twin Towers area.  Ended up on a bus and the driver told us not to worry about it when we only had enough money for one fare.  We have picked up the guys at the skate park underneath the freeway and headed back to San Jose,  talking again about so much: sex, religion, politics (again), and deaths.  I have MISSED CONVERSING!!!  We dropped  the friends off, headed back and went by a Mexican carneceria  to pick up some food before I headed back to Placerville.  Joel - "Merci vielmal, i ha luscht cha"

An amazing lightening storm and occasional downpours accompanied me on my journey. It wasn't long at all until I was home again.  3 hours? Goodness, no.  A marvelous package awaited me in the mailbox: thumbs up on a new Swiss passport!  A day beginning with sad news and an ending has ended with good news on a new beginning.  I like that.

Pics:  The Arrow Stage at HSBF; See?!  There's Corby!!; The "other" end of HSBF;  Sk8 park with some Famous Sk8r Dude; My HSBF feet before the hot bath.

October 2, 2015

My first client wasn’t scheduled until 11, so there was no need to asset an alarm.  I spent the morning prepping for my Return To The Gym.  This would be a Big Day.  I wanted a new set list, as the running list I have is set for the cadence of running – it doesn’t “push” me like other genres of music – you all know what I’m talking about.  I looked through the music library on iTunes and rediscovered Ministry.  Perfect.

My client arrived and once again sugarcoated things.  Like many other adolescents (past-self included) victimization is felt, a change in life is wanted, yet there is no willingness to do the footwork necessary.  I remember that well.  After the client and writing notes and various other paper work, I dressed in proper gym attire – “active-wear” – surely you’ve seen the You-Tube clip.  Except I look like an 80s person in my hot pink and bright blue.   That’s totally ok with me – I AM an 80s person.  I got in there and got busy.  A wave to Jake at one point, but no words – he was with a client and I had resumed my Day 1, plus two pounds weight, so I knew I had work to do.  I ended up with 698 calories burned in this hour.  The challenge has begun.

I went home and dove into a delicious salad (it’s so weird, putting those two words together), then I showered and got ready to leave for the next client.  As I was prepping, I responded to a classmate from Switzerland about when we could see each other, and as luck would have it – San Francisco has some mighty fine goings-on taking place at Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival, so I will wake up early and head to his place in San Jose and he will drive us to SF.  I’m excited to see him.  I’m kinda nervous, too.  Not for any specific reason, but he is a HE and I haven’t really been around HEs very much in the last many years.  Sunday I'll have dinner with another CH firned and his wife.  How funny....

My next client was scheduled for 5 and we worked on sand tray.  It was a good session, I feel and is slowly putting things into place for my client.  Nothing happened overnight but I enjoy this process very much.  I am going to start looking for a permanent work site soon.  My client hours for trainee status will be over next week (I only need 4 and a half more) and my personal therapy hours will finish in the next few weeks.  

I went home and grabbed the dogs quickly. The sun was setting and darkness would soon be upon us and these dogs needed a run!  The nearby park had kids (of course) so back to work to the school field behind us and I ran those dogs as hard as I could in 20 minutes.  Then I headed back to the gym.  With such high numbers I was dying to hit 1000 calories burned in one day.  I hit 1020.  So proud!!  Then home to salad and 2 pieces of wild- caught cod.  It ain’t nachos, but it’ll do.

Pictures:  Here is proof - 2 work-out sets today; The sun shining in made a type of tree-shadow heart; I don't usually leave vagina out for everyone to see (my pencil mug sits in front).  No more Bobby Ewing/John Schneider altar, either.

October 1, 2015

Today was supposed to be a perfect day because there were clouds and a bit of rain.  I received a UPS package from Grace – that beautifully wonderful woman – a  German book on the language basics.  This will be rad – something I’ll show the kids as soon as I get them back.  A book like this will help them get their feet wet.  At some point we need to start Fluenz.  I had a whole day until 5 – an art lesson at noon, and so much could happen today.

Only it didn’t.  I cut out more pictures for collages, I listened to more Nurtured Heart lessons, I did my art (it was very similar to the class we’d had on Friday) and my skill with oil pastels is icky.  Still, I did it and I am trying open my mind to new thoughts, different ideas, line-less boxes I can think outside of.  

At 5 I met my client – this kid is a sweetheart – and I brought my collage material, my speaker and some relaxing music by David & Steve Gordon.  We had a good session, touching on all sorts of things, which was necessary while creating a good relationship.  

At 6ish, I headed to go pickup more cough syrup since they had run out and couldn’t fill my whole order.  Another issue and more trouble.  Just as I was about the walk out with the words “I might as well have stayed at WalMart – it doesn’t matter where I go”, the lady stopped me and did her damn best to help me.  I apologized for my words, because it truly wasn’t her fault – she had shared Monday (though she doesn’t remember)that she has been at this pharmacy 10 years and is desperately seeking another job –that it is crazy.  That is one of the problems in this country – people are so unhappy at their meager-paying jobs they have to have to pay the bills.  I had my gym stuff in the car – it is getting close.  This has been day 3 of almost no coughing, and my body is telling me it is time to sweat again(plus my ass is beginning to grow).

At 7 I was home, where I finished up attempt number 3 on my Capstone – we will see where it goes.  I am really going to miss those people at Brandman.  I am FB friends with Wendy, and LinkedIn with Weber, but it’ll be sad not seeing them on a regular basis.  I  was invited to a Halloween birthday party at Eric and Shannon’s – that could be great fun.  I wonder if I have the kids that weekend or not.     I notice that when I stay in, with my head and my Self, I become rather melancholy.  I need to get OUT - explore this WORLD - stop creating my own cell-bars. The problems with a day like today is I want to be in love and we all know that just won't do.  Not yet, maybe never.  So, tomorrow I'll get out and get STRONG.  That's my plan for tomorrow.

Pictures: A very-baby sunflower; Gorgeous clouds from today's weather; I'm going about becoming a berry-lover in the wrong way.