January 26, 2015

Thanks to the Norco, I slept all night long and didn’t worry about getting kids to school, thanks to Linda.  I had a few pills left from what the doctor sent home, but I still needed to get to Wal-Mart’s pharmacy to pick up the medication.

 Again, my hard-headedness won out, and despite many offers, I got in the car and headed out.  My initial plan was to use that electric seat and just cruise in the store, right?  But I couldn’t figure I out and was unable to locate anyone to ask, so I grabbed a cart and went to the pharmacy. I was ok for the first two minutes, leaning against the wall, giving the tech my information, but then it began and I immediately had to sit down or risk falling.  Sweat materialized all over my body as if  I'd been sprayed with a hose.  I was so dizzy..so hot..so weak..so thirty.  I took some sips of water from my ever-present bottle, but I was concerned about the water making a reappearance, so I stopped, lay my head on my hands, on the shopping cart side, and breathed.  In…out…in…out…    Heaven forbid I pass out and they call an ambulance to take me back to ER and The Gang <new shift, though>, but for a few minutes, this seemed to be the only way I'd get out out of Walmart.  Maybe I'd see that EMT again!  Seriously, though...how in the hell was I to get everything done?  Slow done, I told myself, you can do this.  Breathe….  After 5 minutes of focusing on other people’s conversations, I began to cool down.  I saw a woman I used to work with (she hadn’t recognized me as I was such a damn hot mess) and after speaking gently with her, I had regained enough strength to make it to the soup aisle.

Drove home…carefully.  My strength was back but I was still über-cautious.  I am sorry, to all the men in my past, but it has never felt as good talking of my clothes as it did RIGHT NOW.  I got a message soon though, from Rachel, a wonderful woman who lost her Amber to ovarian cancer in August.  She brought me over some delicious chicken noodle soup and some incredible things from the co-op –nutritious things my body needs.  Per her suggestion (and horrific experience) when I go to my doctor for a checkup in a couple of days, I’m requesting CA-125 to see of here is any cancer in my ovaries.                             \

                                                                                                               

I slept.  There were still a few more hours until I needed to pick up my kids from school.  Ethan had phoned me before I left for Wal-Mart, asking if I could call the Placerville Bike Shop to inquire about doing an internship there. I called and spoke with Jeff, who understands about Ethan’s insecurities…it would be fine if he worked there. And so, despite the doctor’s orders to rest, this is truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Ethan to intern in a place where he has some interest and learn how to engage with others.

I picked up the kids…Maggie was a little sad about the sports awards banquet at her school, which I had not considered.  She was able to ask a teammate’s mom to pick  her up and for this, I was so thankful.  I hadn’t realized how meaningful it was, but I was too Norco’d out to drive <”know when to saw when”>  Ethan worked on homework and YouTube videos about speakers, dry-ice and cats.  I need to figure out how to block “other” You-Tube sites he will want to access soon.   All signs point to that time not being too far away.

It’s been a relatively pain-free day.  L, my sister, and many others seeing how I’m doing, which really does mean so much to me.  Even though I’m alone, I know I’m not without people who love me. 

January 25, 2015. Long, graphic at times and written on Norco-brain.

I awoke several times throughout the night in paralytic pain, only to escape back asleep again.  It's so much easier when it's a fever or a sore throat.  This...this could be so many different things.

She talked to him, told him she'd seen me and that I had asked her about him: "He smiled big and asked, "how is she???" ." There really are Romeo & Juliet scenarios in life, when love just isn't enough to win.  Breaks my heart, still, that after all these years, the circumstance & the influence of others deny us what we could have had.  Yes, I know....He seemingly didn't want it enough, and neither did I.

I went to an urgent care center.  The doctor said it looked like either ovarian cyst or whatever that body part is that starts with an 'a' is...I really cannot think properly right now.  They didn't have tests to run on me, so she sent me to ER.  After stopping off at home to put on a bra (which they told me to take off as soon as I hit to ER) and tried one of Maggie's delicious cupcakes ("to give me strength for the ER trip), I drove myself to Marshall hospital.  I'm glad.  I hurrrrtttt.

Lying in room 4, the pain is getting worse.  I have done more activity in these trips to Urgent Care and ER than anything last 2 days. It's hard ...I don't have my pillows to huddle my knees against to still the pain, I don't have my soft bed. and worst of all, I don't have any water.  After I gave C-section to Ethan, they denied my water for hoouurrss.  It was finally my friend who smuggled in a coke for me, per my request.  Where are you, Cathie Moore (she wasn't Batchelder til a four days later, and despite the pain of the C-section, I still had L drive me to her reception so I could get our, hobble over, and give her congratulatory hugs.  I'm beginning to see a not-responsive-to medical directions here).  I had a kind male nurse...he laughed at my words of "trying to bring sexy back" as I painfully attempted to direct the blankets and keep no-longer-very-damn-sacred parts covered.  There were tests after tests.  When they inserted my IV, blood shot out all over the place..apparently I have good blood.  They did an ultrasound, they did an internal ultrasound.  I had lubrication all over the damn place and was the one who guided the monitor inside as she didn't want to hurt me.  Then the doctor wanted to do a pelvic exam, which hurt like hell.  Despite a swollen right ovary, his exam led him to believe it could be Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, which is primarily caused via untreated sexually transmitted diseases.  Well, shit.  If that isn't the funniest thing I've ever heard, then I don't know what is  Almost as funny as my immaculate conception ectopic pregnancy.  I guess this could be my immaculate conception STD.  <sigh>  The last test scheduled was a CT scan.  Bill, the sweet young radiologist, wheeled in me and I met Phillips - the very large machine which looked like a half of a dryer.  They were inserting iodine into my IV and I was told I would taste metal, feel very hot, and have the sensation I would have to pee.  They didn't know that my secret trick  this whole evening was to stared at a fixated object and breathe....Ojjai Pranayama  So Hum.  I may not be practicing the positions, but boy those breaths saved me from a  lot of pain.  To be fair, so did memories of a Lamaze course I took for Brandon's birth.  I did taste a sweet taste of iodine for a brief second - I guess when you are denied water, everything is better, but I felt no heat, no pressure to pee.  The pain was so bad that I hadn't been able to tell I should pee until Gina, Ultrasound dominatrix, let me know I should.  The CT was nice - I felt very in tuned with it - I was in a drier, as I watched the machine do its work, I meditated.  Really.  It was cool.  After, Glen, the CT tech, saw I was shivering and wrapped me up in the sheets.  I made a shroud of Turin comment, knowing he was old enough to know what I was referring to.  It would have gone over Bill's head.  The wheeled me back to the room where I was told results would be ready in half an hour.  An hour later, still nothing, so I tried to get water (I had managed a few sips while no one was looking a few hours earlier), but I was attached to so many different things that it was impossible.  Huddling in the lower half of the gurney, entangled in sheets and wires I tried to sleep.

The doctor came in...it wasn't my appendix (APPENDIX!!  That's the word!), but it was difficult to determine what it was.  Free-flowing fluid pointed to a ruptured cyst on my right ovary, which was swollen (did I already write that?).  There is a cyst on my left ovary, 1.8 cm in diameter.  There is also something on my large intestine which is not a good thing, but at this point I was tired, in pain, after denying the pain meds so I could drive myself home and therefore details were not sticking.  He was going to  prescribe something that treated everything but also wasn't over-kill and he recommended probiotics.  He was also sending me home with a note for work so I could rest.  After a while (it was a busy night - 2 heart attacks, one woman who may or may not have been a). on meth b). giving birth c). on meth while giving birth or d), in an amazing amount of pain.), I was hooked up to an antibiotic drip which took bout half an hour and then...I was released.  It took me a good 15 minutes to make it to my car, because I had parked where the ER used to be, but it was a nice quite <slow> walk in teh dark.  Because of the late hour <I am so ashamed to say this> and my hunger, I drove my McDonald's for a small fry and a hamburger.  After the 3rd fry, I could do no more...after 2 bites of burger, I could do no more.  At home, the dogs knew something was up - there was no frantic "OHMYGAWDYOUFINALLYCAMEHOME" jumping.  They both sat and watched me as I came in, moaning like a near-dead person.  They sat by me as I honored the porcelain god and gave back the McDonald's food to the earth.  They sat in my room as I moaned, trying to undress and get into bed.  I needed somebody with me.  Tonight it was Mabi and Annie.  I have learned a little more about myself these two days.  I refuse to ask for help.  If it is regarding alcohol, I'm ok, because I know where my life goes, but tonight, I endured 8 hours of excruciating pain and refused pain meds just so I could drive myself home.  When John messaged me earlier with, "You need someone to tuck you in, kiss your forehead and turn out the light," it made me cry.  Sitting there on the gurney after 3 hours in ER (so far), I was in pain, crying my eyes out because of this simple message.  Going to excruciating pains to be independent, when I'm "not so independent", after all.


Pictures:  The Urgent Care, which cared, but was ill-equipped to do so urgently enough; My attempts to entice that sexy young EMT into the room; A macro of my "we'll miss you, have some liquid antibiotics as our farewell gift."

January 24, 2015

My body was ok as I awoke before 7 this morning.  I was so tired last night, hurting so much, yet I was asleep before 11...on a Friday night.  Pa-fucking-thetic. <warning, there may or may not be swear words today>. I felt my sheets this morning, caressing them with my body, turning from left to right side.  Both sides feel the best.  Before I knew it, it was 9:30.  I must have fallen asleep somewhere in the loving of my sheets.

Lovely chat with my Texan high school friend.  He's inspires me and  I don't feel so crazy-cat-spinster lady when I hear from him.  I was beginning to feel throngs of pain... More and more, closer together.  I decided today would've a bed day and I'd work on getting cheques mailed for the Swiss passport.  Note that I used British spelling?  <it has begun>. There is quite a lot required to renew one's passport for Switzerland if one has been married and divorced.  Twice.  Especially if one is the first husband's 7th wife.  When I told the consulate representative  this, after her "oh, my!",  she said to send my old copy of his birth certificate and let them know I am unaware of his current whereabouts <this is true>. The second ex swung by and we talked about the boy (he was the same as Ethan), we talked about Europe (he agrees it would be a fantastic experience) & he let me know that the connecting pipe of the water heater, which fell off this morning, was not a big deal and the way I had it repaired was just fine (I'm kind of a badass).

After several hours, in which most of the work was completed, I received a phone call from my sister.  This, save something that occurred later, was a highlight of my day.  We spoke for an hour.  I miss that lady so much.  My pain, however, was increasing.  After we hung up, I cleared the bed and rested.   My body has a fever or something: it is freezing cold,  yet hot to the  touch.  My head is fine, though. Very odd.

I called Mags to come lay with me. I was freezing, despite the heater and the heating pad, and I didn't want to be alone. We talked a little bit, but I made a lot of "my body hurts" noises, which is remarkably similar to my "good food" noises, only without food and with pain. It was nice having her there. This was the second highlight of my day.  I decided, per Maggie's suggestion, to take a hot bath with Epsom salt, but it didn't work.  I was freezing, despite the hot water.   I got out and started looking up what I could possibly be experiencing.  It isn't a UTI, I'm familiar with those. It doesn't look like appendicitis, because the pain is bearable,  though at times excruciating, but then subsides  again.  Not sure what else it could be.  I don't participate in coitus, though as I told my sister, it could be an Immaculate Conception which resulted in an ectopic pregnancy,  No J, jr, here.   I'll just rest, and if necessary,  call a doctor or go to an urgent care center or possibly a Catholic church to see about options.

Boy is staying the night again, which is fine, because I can't drive to pick him up.  I'm tired. Hope this goes away.  Looks like I only swore once.  Fan-fucking-tastic.






Pictures: My curtains and blinds; the results, minus an additional 4 cheques which are required to renew my Swiss passport.  Haven't even looked into EU/Austria yet; A very Psycho look at my bath view.  I tried to write some of this in the tub, but kept misspelling.

January 23, 2015

There was a time, not so long ago, when I could spring out of bed and become Ohm-y with myself.  Now I’m more namastayin’ in bed.    A big part of it the last 24 hours is the ovulation of, I believe, A Very Large triangle or even trapezoid shaped egg.  I could never feel when my period was about to begin, but I could always tell when I was ovulating.  I need to have a long sit-down talk with the kids and let them know the my peri-menopausal state meansI will be “moody, with memory problems”  I don’t feel the need to fill them in on vaginal dryness.  I doubt I’ll even notice since the shop is closed down.  Brought both kids to school this morning – I have found it funny and somewhat annoying how Maggie – who is rarely sick, has discovered a whole new aspect of life:  scratchy voice, irritated throat noises, congested coughing, dizziness.  Naturally she has to fill me in on it – me, the one with one with pneumonia at 3 months, chronic bronchitis 2 times a year, often time mixed with pneumonia, and 14, yes 14 cases of strep throat.  Why go to the doctor?  I could correctly diagnose (and often did) myself.  I just didn’t have one of those “special note pads."

Ethan’s words yesterday kept ringing true in my ears today..  I have to say I often wondered why I was where I was – but then remembered – I’m working here to support myself through grad school.  Smarted idea would have been to start grad school when I was getting real child support – but now I have teaching credentials for the future in some distant land.  

After work, and oh, how I love Friday’s at 2:56, I headed to pick the kids up at a friend’s house, as they had a minimum day.  Once they were in the car, I asked Ethan if I should drive him to the Bike Shop so he could see about the internship there – he refused, said he didn’t want to and if I drove him there, he wouldn’t talk to anybody.  Well, shit.  Here we go again.  To be fair, I know I react far too quickly to this child.  I also realize there are softer, gentler ways to handle him, I just haven’t managed them quite yet.  I did the next best thing – I said, “If that’s how you’re going to behave then you won’t be spending the night at your friend’s house tonight, because that’s not how life works.  You can’t bail on the real stuff and do all the fun stuff.”    It was quiet for a minute, then I heard, “Can I call them from home?  I just don’t want you all to hear me.”  “You can, Ethan, I just wanted to be able to help you in parts you can improve. I get nervous too.  I'm nervous about tonight! I need people to tell me how to improve on things I do. “  Still  minor victory – and he was told to call back next week because they were very busy.  I hope this place works for him – he would be great and really learn at a place like this.  The burger place said no, and I’m sure he’s feeling rejected.

It was time!  I suddenly forgot just about everything I was supposed to remember, but talking with an intern at the practicum site helped tremendously.  I met with the client (ahhh... mother) and knew this is what I should be doing.  It was a wonderful hour – and went be quickly and easily.  I was told at its ending that I helped her, even though it was based on the child.  Build relationships?  Establish rapport?  I can do this.

Home to where Ethan had cooked an amazing dinner – on my verbal instructions.  A meal my mother made throughout my childhood and it took me quite a few tries to master – he got it in one fell swoop.  I’ll assign them the task of cooking dinners when I’m with clients.  Great practice for them and great dinners for us.  J  Ethan got to go to his friends’ house, after all, so Maggie and I watched the final Untamed America episode.  Nothing beats the grasshopper mouse, howling territorially , but at least we know where to find her.   I gotta git and put these rhombus eggs to bed.  They hurt.  

Pictures:  Union Mine's tribute to the love locks found in bridges in Europe, particularly the Seine river's bridges in Paris. It isn't much, but it's a beginning; Shadows on asphalt; Th moon peeks out from behind a tree by my house.

January 22, 2015

This morning was, figuratively, a dark one.  Pain woke me at 5:30: I had hit a wall.   For 15 minutes, my mind went back & forth between getting up for yoga and staying in bed, but I finally got up, because something has got to change.  I tried working through the yoga routine, but it was difficult and I realized I needed to do something different. 

My mind is causing all sorts of issues because I have been down this path (though with a different issue).  I am the issue and I need to make the changes. I need help and decided (before) I left for work that I’m going to try CrossFit.  My core is so weak, my body is hurting so much and I know from experience that when my body is strong, my mind is strong.  I chatted with Kim, a high school friend who did CrossFit and saw tremendous results.  She is right, I need to go all in.  I sent the owner an email, committing myself to showing up today to check it out.  Now I can’t back down.

Mags was still down, so I took Ethan to school, then headed to work.  Work was very difficult  for me today.  When it was time, I got Ethan, and talked to him about internship he has next week.  Things blew up pretty quickly.  Mind you, I knew I wasn’t in a good space emotionally and Ethan just sat – similar to his homework M.O. – not responding.  I should know better, and I do, but I jumped right in, anyway.  Ethan suggested I not work around kids if I’m going to come home and be so angry.  I laughed.  Good point. 

I took him home with instructions to phone his internship p[lace and left to get popsicles for my sick girl, drop them off, then head to Cross Fit.  I talked to Scott and he showed me the equipment and the workouts; he also explained the program.  I’ve got to do this.  I doubt I’m going to work towards a competitive body, as suggested by an old school mate, but committing myself to a program where I have seen incredible changes is necessary.  I know I can do this.

By the time I got home I was in a much better place.  I gave Ethan a loooonnng hug.  He feeds off my energy.  I cooked dinner and then we watched Untamed America for a bit again.  I wanted to see the grasshopper mouse.  I see my first client tomorrow evening, well, a client’s mother.  I’m pretty confident, after having spoken to her.  She’s a mama who wants her child to be okay and I get that.

Picture: My beautiful gray sky

January 21, 2015

This morning, a sick little girl walked into my room, lay next to me and went to sleep.  Poor thing.  I accessed my inner-prairie woman and made some lemon/honey syrup for her, along with water.  Best solution for what ails her is rest and liquid.  I got ready for work quickly – I am seeing an issue with this menopause-thing( Actually, I don’t know if that’s what is happening but it sure as hell sounds catchy):  weird hair.  It’s as if my head is being sprayed with popcorn butter.   This aging thing is weird.

Dropped the boy off and headed in to work.  Somehow 4 day work weeks seem to last longer…Not sure why, exactly.  It’s as if the equilibrium has been thrown off.   At one point, I took off my boots and socks and joined the students with a little barefoot running around the track.  I made sure to stretch though, heaven forbid I can’t walk without pain for 3 days.  It felt good getting out there again; as much as my body aches when I do it, there was a certain peace.  If stretching correctly helps the pain, then I will train myself how to stretch.  Simple as that.

Picked up the boy and off to the bank, then to the bike shop to get his flat from Texas repaired.  Seriously – he hasn’t even gone one mile on that bike and already 2 flats.  I have no luck with tires or electronic recording devices.  I’m not sure what the correlation is, but there ya have it. He wanted to ride his bike home – and I agreed.  He will be 13 soon, and he is a careful child.  I have to trust he can handle himself.  I had ridden my bike to Trinity in 4^th grade (about 3 miles, each way), I would walk from Trinity to my piano teacher or ballet school.  Granted, it was Midland in the 80s, but still.  A big instigator of overprotective parents is the media.  Suddenly, everyone is a pedophile or child molester.  I admit, I know who is in my area , I’m very aware of the sex-trafficking industry and Sacramento’s high-ranking on this horrid list, but I can’t keep my kids locked away because of something like that.   I talk openly with my kids about predators and what to keep an eye out for.  Kids who are sucked into the sex-trafficking industry are usually the troubled kids: runaways, foster kids…the kids I want to work with.

My Maggie is a mess.  She looks horrible, she feels warm (though no fever).  She was asleep when Ethan and I got home – still in my bed (lawdamighty, I hope I don’t catch whatever she has).    I also have a boy who sounds like a moose with his coughing.  Oh, man…

Today has been an interesting day.  An interesting day, indeed.  Did a few things I’ve never done before….  Took a walk on the wild side and I’m glad I had my sister to talk to about it.  So strange.   Early to bed to keep this body rested.  <3

Picture: The juicer and honey that I used to make syrup with.