October 31, 2015

This morning, my face was treated to a smile so big because I spoke with Gio.  Gio and I go back to high school – he was the best friend of my Him and so he was a big part of my life back then.  We have stayed in touch over the years…and this friendship is one of the most precious things in my life. It is a special friendship, an appreciation of the past and a strong understanding of one another. One day, we will have coffee together somewhere, hopefully in Europe.  We spoke of my sugar issue (I asked him because he is aware of such health issues) and he told me of a method I should try called MMS.  I’m going to do it, but I need time, so probably over Christmas break.

After I spoke with him I had special visitors to my house – Camille was visiting from Berlin and Rachel, who is one of the sweetest women I know (she brought me food when I was ill).  One thing I’ll miss when I move from here is Amber’s spirit, which I feel here (Rachel is Amber’s mom and Camille is the sister).  Camille brought me…Freud!  To go with my Einstein action figure   I love it.  Then I continued packing up books – most of what is here is either my text books or need to go to The Bookery.  My back is really pissed off at me.  One would think that a kindle would be ideal fro me, but I love teh look of the books, the age, the history.

At 2, it was time to look at the next house…I don’t think so.  It is interesting, but I don’t feel it.  I talked to Sean more about the Camino house and the Rescue house.  I’m really looking towards Camino, honestly, but… Universe knows.  Then I headed to health food store number 1 – no such bottle of what I need to buy, so I headed to the Placerville Co-op.  Here, I met Hugh and it was incredible.  This man asked me questions about this sugar craving I have, but not just physical – emotional!  He wondered (and no, I assured him it was not too personal) if I was single, and did I want to be….  Many of us eat because of emotions – I eat because of emotions.  I’m not kidding – food is my sex life…it fires off those same chemicals in my brain that I get when I am in love.  We talked for quite some time and  in that time, Universe was telling me the same thing it has been showing me signs about for quite some time:  I need to get up in the morning and get active like I used to when I did yoga at 5:13 every morning.  I also need to cut out grains – which is the same thing Gio had said.  A very valuable thing about this talk with Hugh is that I can still eat my cranberries – I bought some Einkorn flour and will make it with that instead of Bisquick.  I also have been reintroduced to Acetyl L-Carnetine (I used L-Carnetine when I was in my 20s and had quite the hard-body) via Hugh, so I am quite excited about that.  I know yoga would be ideal to get back to , but I may start with a walk.

 

Once I got home it was really time to get packing.  I want as little in this house as possible, though granted, I can’t carry large items to our storage area.  The tough part is now it’s the trash, or donate phase.  Most of what is in storage is keep or sell.  The items still remaining are the tricky ones.  I spoke to Brent and Travis – my god will I miss those two.  Brent has been the best neighbor ever.  There were some wonderfully inappropriate anal sex jokes made to lighten my packing mood.  Before I left to bring another load to storage (the long horns were in this load), I made Cranberry Crunch with Einkorn flour and Himalayan salt .  I was nervous, though…it can’t be as good , can it?

It was time to burn.  I have held on to so many things from my past and I have a Very Strong Suspicion that these items keep me in the past.  I have notes from a Him – a “book” he wrote for me, I have letters from him and other hims… I have pictures, postcards, journals – SO MANY GODDAMN JOURNALS!  A tremendous part of my past is this screwed up kid I was after my head injury, and yet here is all the evidence, which I read and re-read every couple of years to remind myself again how fucked up I was.  SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO BURN THOSE FUCKING JOURNALS!  And that is what I did tonight.  I didn’t burn all of the letters, a few I kept, but as I burned, I wished they were not in storage because I would gotten them and burned them along with those years of pain.  It’s ok, I have a feeling there will be another burning very soon once storage is unpacked.  The good memories I kept – the letters and notes form my Swiss years – and then, once the  dessert had finished and my Epsom salt bath was complete, I ate, and oh, my goodness, such deliciousness.  I am a happy camper.

Pictures: Burning the past - such a wise thing to do....; Rachel (no , I did not burn this), my number one 5aD reader and high school friend; Acceptance letter to Pepperdine -  this was a good memory, but I burned it, anyway;  So many wonderful forgotten memories I pressed into books.  I also hide money in books and then forget; These are my little-now-big-ones about 9 years ago.

October 30, 2015

When the alarm went off this morning, I was transported back 6 years in time, when I was a few months into living alone –something which terrified, yet excited me at the same time.  I had lived with this man for 12 years and now it was me and the kids.  I had started yoga every morning – just like that and because I had so little money, I lived on peanut butter for a year (the kids ate dinner with dad every night).  It was a very stressful year, but it was the most freeing years of my life.  Sort of.   

I had a chat with a gentleman from England who now lives in Zurich and the kids and I have a coffee date with him at his business when we get there.  He is an older gentleman, so don’t get any ideas – but it is lovely to have connections in this city and perhaps he knows of someone who knows of someone who knows about something that could help me? And if not, then I will have had a lovely Kaffe crème on the Limmatquai in my favorite city.   I had my first client at 10 and it has come to that point, as reauthorization is unlikely.  I thought the day would be fairly easy until noon, but no – it took off with lengthy prog notes and then…calls here, calls there, Note To File this, and rush up the hill to go see the Camino house.  

As I pulled out to head up to Camino – I got a call from someone I love very much and it wasn’t good.  We have a habit as women in this society as– and it is something that angers me very much – of ignoring our own needs to do, do, do for others, take care of them, take care of the family, work, work, work, until we are run into the ground and ignoring our own medical needs.  I am very worried, very concerned – what I heard was alarming and I am horrified that it has gone on this long without seeing a physician.  Now, I know I’m a shitty patient in terms of not necessarily listening to doctor’s orders, but when something like this happens (which I can’t mention, sorry…), I immediately take care of it because I have had too many situations in which my life was teetering and I've learned not to risk it.

 

I reached the house and I was spell-bound:  it looks like a fairy-tale home in this glorious little town just past Apple Hill.  Much like my Japanese Zen home, it is somewhat out of the way – I have grown accustomed to being a 10 minute walk away from downtown Placerville, but that’s ok.  Not saying I’d get this house, nor the other…but if only.  Back down for my phone appointment, my 3 o’clock had cancelled; I went to the shelter for a session there, then back to wait for my 5 o’clock, who was a no-show.  So I went home…

..and out of desperateness in the last weeks, despite the sinking sun, I grabbed the dogs and we headed into the mountains for a hike.  Initially I stopped at the lake, but it wasn’t enough and I had the headlamps with me, so we went on a night hike.  It was so lovely hiking under the stars.  So soothing…smelling that rich scent of sanity as I hear the insects sing their nighttime song.  I need to walk more, to get active, stop with the fucking cranberry crunch!!  Tomorrow I pack – see Camille before she heads back to Berlin, get another Fitbit to inspire my walking (I’m very competitive – even with electronic gear).  Then?  Packing.  Packing, packing, packing.  Next weekend is the garage sale at the storage facility – hopefully we will make some money for our family fund.

Pics 'n Flicks: The Camino house; A bird sings;  The low-level lake; Insects songs.

October 29, 2015

A soft, gentle awakening slammed solid by that damn alarm.    Who creates these things?  I used to have an alarm app which began very softly and got increasingly louder, but it was a very soothing sound.  It’s called Sleep Cycle Alarm Clock by Northcube AB.  I think I’ll load it up again.    After my wake up – I called that guy from long ago.  I had told him I would give him a call yesterday or the day before and the time has simply escaped me.   I remember those days  long ago – it was after my head-injury that I got to know him, so my self-esteem was minimal.  I recollect we were at the mall one day, sitting next to each other at a table and a friend walked up to me and we spoke.  She asked me who I was seeing and I said “No one” and he jerked his head and looked at me – “No one?” he asked, with a look of confusion on his face.  “Am I?” I asked in return, because…I didn’t think he would like someone like me – I didn't believe I was worth being cared about by someone like him.  I believe, if memory serves me correctly, we talked it over later that day, yet I’m still someone who needs a rather blunt statement from someone if there are feelings for me or I simply file their kindness/interest away as “they are a really nice person.”

Therapy.  Last day  - last hour of my trainee-mandated personal therapy.  T’was a very lovely session.  I was asked about if there is someone in my life – and I said no, there wasn’t time.  She asked if I would want someone, I said not what I have experienced in the past (not that they weren’t lovely gentlemen).  I would like a partner: someone who shares the relationship, is willing to work on it, shares my loves and passions (so we have something in common), but has his own life.  Honestly, I’m not sure I want to live with someone again.  I like my bed – my room, my house.  Then she mentioned something very interesting which I hadn’t considered but is very true:  a relationship is a mirror of who we are, so it is quite possible I do not want to see that reflection right now.  Deep thoughts, yet right now, there is also Switzerland, so I don’t want anyone getting in the way of that.  As I drove away, I thought…”Huh.  Now it’s over.”  Just like that.

Got home and the next thing on the Priority List was looking for a house on line again, which I did.  I called them   I called them and then I called the vet.  The dog named Annie was doing that scooting thing so I wanted an appointment.  After a call, message, call backs, call again for a question I forgot to ask, message again, call back again, I headed to the vet right then and there with two very excited dogs (especially Annie, who is still unable to control her enthusiasm).  She was seemingly less excited with an inserted finger in a personal area, despite the lube.  I can honestly say I am very, very grateful that as humans, we do not have anal glands which may need to be expressed.  It would be horrific. 

It wasn’t long til I went to look at a house, which was absolutely amazing – it had a cool basement room with a Murphy bed that Ethan would love – but…it had no washed/dryer or fridge and I really don’t want to buy those.  I was told about a house that had very few interested people in it, so I checked that out after stopping by the school.  I’ll discuss that in a  second.  So…The Boy.  Things have been going somewhat south with him again.  He does little to no work at school (which means it is all saved up for when he is with me) and his attitude is somewhat sucky in terms of him being a teen and pushing envelopes and being a smartass (“keep your feet of the ___” so he holds them inches above the ___), but…this is normal for a teen.  What concerns me is if the behavior correlating with him being at his dad’s…so it next week he will be watched to see what his attitude is like then.  He is a sensitive, empathic  kid..he picks up on 'things' and 'things' at his dad’s house are not what the adults try to make it appear like.  Ethan quite probably sees this.  I could be wrong, but I’m interested to see what next week is like.

 I looked at the other home.  I couldn’t go inside (I did look through the windows though), but Oh.My.God.  It is like a lovely Japanese Zen-zone.  There is a fireplace/stove-thingie and an indoor fire pit – Japanese maple floors, a gas stove, a fridge, washer/dryer (it says on description and I say the stove).  The back has a trampoline!!  The only issue is the hardwood floor and their nails.  Granted – they are small dogs, even for their breeds (we somehow ended up with two runts), but I’m still concerned.  We will end up where we belong, though.  The man showing me the home says it should be able to find a place no problem because I have a lot of time left.  After this dinner at a very inexpensive sushi place in Cameron Park which was quite good, and then home.   I packed more – the place is slowly clearing out. I need to do quite a few more trips and then leave the big stuff for when I move into a place.  I get to use the storage facility's moving truck for one day, so hopefully, if my planning goes as desired, I can use the moving truck to load the bookcases, beds, table into the truck, drop these things off at New Place, load some boxes to the New Place from storage, then call it a day.  I also made a lot of progress in getting rid of memories:  I threw away those letters, notes cards I have been holding onto from The Him for over 20 years…I got rid of the journals I kept (after the accident) about the breakup from The Him…I got rid of SO MUCH STUFF!  As Anne said, I have all the memories I need….the good ones, the nice ones, those which bring me joy.  I don’t need to re-read how fucked up and angry I was 25 years ago.  It is time to Let It Go ….

Pictures:  Notes from Switzerland - I can never get rid of these, they are joyful; An "A"hole...right there in class.  Tatjana is such fun; Etan's early happy drawings; Maggie's early "china" drawing; The Zen House.

October 28, 2015

It is getting deliciously cool at night, so the fan blowing in that night air makes bed my perfect hideaway.  My god, but I have always loved The Night.  I spent time looking for houses…went the final mile and asked for help on Facebook to see if anyone knows of a rental.  I hate asking for help…unless it has to do with my recovery, then all pride is gone, because I don’t want to Tangle with Death again.  

The day was good from the get-go because the sky was cloudy and it had already rained.  One downside to the fan being on is I don’t hear the rain at night.  I headed to my second-to-last therapy session – and the words just spilled from my mouth…blah-blah-blah this…blah-blah-blah that…wow.  One would think I’ve never done therapy before (I’m actually a seasoned professional).  What many people don’t understand is how beneficial therapy is!  We process in our own way, but having someone who validates, empathizes, can offer evidence-based help and direction...it's beautiful.   I had the opportunity to see their sandbox room – and there they were, in uniform and ready to play, like days of old: Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith.

Lunch had been left at home, so I went back to gather it, as I had almost one and a half hours until group.  I cleaned, straightened, washed the trash can out - there was to be an inspection for pests and a viewing this evening.  As I walked around the kitchen…I noticed the empty cranberry crunch pan in the sink and thought…about how short life is, how long an hour-fifteen is, and got busy.  I know, I know, I know I have a problem with this.  I’m not stupid.  One issue is that my thighs were lonely without each other - they're only 43 years old, for chrissake.  Another problem is I have spoiled taste buds who (they are their own little people on my tongue) enjoy fresh cranberries..and butter..brown sugar….you get the point.  

I spoke with the rental agency and explained my situation -she was such a lovely lady to talk to, but has no say whatsoever over rental choices, so it's up in the air.  Supervision – awesome-as-always with my people, and afterwards –AFTERWARDS!  I “put on my clinician’s hat” and spoke with CPS.  I used big-ass clinical words every now and again…I think Chuck, my classmate, would have been proud.  What made me even happier was – he, the CPS worker, wanted to help – he had this kid’s best interest at heart.  Next client (2 hours later) was a no show, so off I go – 

- to pick up some dinner, celebrate by myself, again, then home to my little house…for a while.   Katie, from the kid’s Montessori pre-school, had said her friend bought a house with a guest home she’d like to rent out.  It’s 2 rooms, but dogs are ok, and it’s near the kid’s school, so that is a huge possibility.  It closes the day after we are to leave this house…so maybe that’s another gentle shove from Universe to get to Europe?  There is always my living in the bus on the old property idea….  Who knows.  I’m feeling safer, not dreading the ‘under the bridge’ scene as much, anymore, but still ask people to keep eyes and ears open.  Universe provides.  I chatted more with a guy I dated in high school.  It is so ultra cool putting the current number of an ex boyfriend into your cellphone.  I have so many terrific memories with him..and every time I went Midland, I'd see his apartment off of Loop 250.  Those are magical memories for me which I'll always cherish.

Pictures:  Troy & Emmitt, a winning team once again; Penny for your thoughts?  The Counseling Center; I KNOW I HAVE A PROBLEM, OK?!?!  Isn't awareness the first step??; Such beautiful clouds today; A groovy van that reminds me of Jaime Soto in Hollywood....