September 26, 2015

I slept with dreams that made me nervous, and just as I was reaching a point of solutions, I woke up. WHY  does that happen every time?  It was a warm night, even with the window open and the fan blowing luke-warm air on me.  It sure is a hot fall.  

Hot coffee doesn’t make the situation better.  Yet Saturday mornings inspire me and I am usually filled with such motivation.  Today was no different.  I was intent on finishing up my Capstone revision, Attempt the Second, and sending it in.  I am hoping there is no Attempt the Third.  Unfortunately, my attention was taking a break today and was nowhere to be found.  I opened my mail and found Marco’s acceptance.  Until he cancels our reservation, we have an AirBnB spot in Zurich for the first 5 days of our trip.  Ethan and I had a talk this morning about Switzerland.  He is still thinking we are going, and my god, I hope that to be true.  But I won’t lie, I am seeing my dreams crumbling, or at least being put on hold, because I have to make sure he finds success.

Around 3 ish, I I got word that Chris was coming over to deliver stuff. In order to get said stuff, however, I needed to have money, so I headed to the ATM and also picked up a poster board to make him a wizard’s hat (I promised him one a couple of months ago).  Chris is a little bit of a magic man when it comes to computers  It would almost seem like any talent I could have with computers was sucked away, doubled, then doubled again and given to Chris, so a few weeks ago when my computer started to act up, I told it if it didn’t shape up I would text Chris and did.  It started acting right moments after, so I told him I would make him a wizard’s hat.  The kids and I made him a fabulous wizard’s hat with rainbows, unicorns and hearts.  Maggie did most of it as Ethan and I worked on stuff.  It was so fabulous!  Wish we had taken a picture.

Chris hung out for a while as he finished getting the refurbished laptops I had purchased for the kids ready.  The old laptops they have been using are lagging so slowly it is horrific, so for a very low price I was able to get these.  We had a blast while he installed and cleaned, so many jokes and fun comments.  That guy is like a brother I never had. Seriously, he is my BFF who lives far away (the nethervalley).  Ethan made Salisbury steaks and rösti and then we all ate dinner.  Maggie played The Office clips and on the parkour clip I just about lost it I was laughing so hard – tears where running down my face and I couldn’t breathe.  Good times (last night while getting Ethan’s shoes at Big 5,  I yelled “Karpour!  Close, but not close enough).  

After Chris left, I cut out clips from magazines for collages until my back hurt (don’t ask).  I was saddened by all the white people!  I swear, the only people of color I saw where so close to white that it might have just been some people who got a little extra sun before the photo shoot.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH COLOR (asks one of the whitest people there is)?  If I had any ideas how to do this, I would create an EVERYBODY magazine that mentioned all sorts of different issues faced by different ethnic groups as well as celebratory things about that ethnic group.  I think America has been too damn “white” for too damn long.  Later, I heard from my friend Nora who is a former teacher.  She not only has worked with kids who have learning issues but math is her specialty.  She has offered to work with Ethan and so the two of them are going to hang out with each other tomorrow.  This couldn’t come at a better time.  Cross fingers that Ethan sees the light soon!!

Pictures: Capstone revision sent in!; Marco accepted;  All my festival bands: Hipnic, High Siera, DustUp, Hangtown Halloween, others I can't recall -time to throw away; Pseudo-white Ethnic kids.

September 25, 2015

Today’s early rise time wasn’t because of the Boy, but because Maggie’s Quoia Café and I had a workshop on using art in therapy.  I had been looking forward to this, though after the emotion of the past few days, my heart wasn’t in it.  I hadn’t slept very well, either.  Ethan was showering when I awoke, which surprised me, but he had been asleep at nine again (so unusual). Later, when we were getting ready, I saw him get his medicine without being prompted.  He understands.   I dropped the kids off at school I headed to Folsom and made it just in time.  

Lisa Mitchell has been hailed by several therapists I know as an incredible art therapist and I found this to be true.  The workshop was filled with so many incredible methods of using art as a medium in getting to a deeper layer in an individual, and all by their own discoveries.  Art is a powerful tool which can allow the subconscious to speak, to let its voice be heard and while I do not look at myself an artist by any stretch, I am so excited about the endless possibilities this will give to me.  I hate to say this part, though…as much as I was looking forward to this day, I was so emotionally fraught that I started yawning within 5 minutes and it continued most of the day.  I did tell Lisa after lunch why I was yawning, but she hadn’t even noticed.  I had, though.  

I learned about mandala without lines, to allow the client to create their own, I learned about creating art from squiggles and how a box is a gateway to magic (and keeps desired things contained), I learned why I should cut out pictures for collages and that the art is the voice – not the client’s trauma, history or self.  The client speaks through the art.  Lunch was at Karen’s Café and I dined with an kick ass 71 year old therapist named Peg from Berkeley who I hope I am like when I am that age.  She was a hoot and a half.  We headed back down for the rest of the day and learned more…so many wonderful tings.  I signed up for her art program (along with my trauma therapy I’m doing now and I’ll be starting Nurturing Heart program as soon as I’m done with my Capstone (tomorrow, hopefully).  Not even done and I’m already heading in three different directions (though certainly not as intense as grad school).

I headed home, grabbed my art back and flew back to work for my 5 o’clock client.  Fortunately she was early, so we began and I was able o use some of what I had learned a few hours before.  I finished notes and drove home.  As I walked in to the house, I quietly asked, “Is anyone here?” and Ethan answered, “yes…” sitting there working on homework.  He had gotten an entire page done (I hope) with help from a friend.  That last part makes me a little antsy, but I’ll make sure.  He was in a lighter mood, much, much lighter…which made me happy, but….is everything right?  How is there such a drastic change from last night?  We ended up taking the dogs to the park and he enjoyed the dogs running around so joyously.  We talked, a great deal.  I am hesitant because I know this kid… life isn’t so easy-go-lucky for him…and I’m not so naive.  We headed to get shows and a few shirts and I asked if he understood why there would be a restriction placed on his iPhone.  He did, he said, so we’ll just see if it sticks.  I told him I am always here for him and to please communicate with me about trouble or confusion…don’t say “fine.”

 

Ethan and I are very excited about cold rainy winter nights with chili, but as that is not yet, we ended up at home with our girl, where we spent the evening watching Doctor Who.  This evening my little Tribe was itself again – not that it isn’t itself when there are challenges, but tonight hearts laughed together together.  

 Pictures: My works from the art workshop; Bad Moon Rising - such a big moon; And suddenly, he's just a kid again, MY kid,  getting size 13 running shoes for gym.

September 24, 2015

Early up and…away we go to a parent/teacher conference about my Boy.  Today has been one of the most difficult, frustrating, heart wrenching days I’ve had in a while.  I didn’t bring my fire power with me ( stack of papers 6 inches thick from preschool to now of his academic world, I didn’t feel it would solve anything.  They know what has been written, so what good would it do?  As I sat and the meeting began, my eyes were met with another pair of eyes which should the same amount of concern I felt in my heart.  There is concern on their end, too.  My Boy really isn’t doing well.  I mentioned the imminent Dark Cloud which had been following him for all of his academic life, ever since he was at his very first little pre-school.  That damn cloud won’t disappear and the last two years has grown larger and larger.  I’m worried it is going to break him.  There isn’t much to be done on their end, but they will try for an IEP again, to give him more support.  I have been filling out all sorts of everything, calling them, talking to this, doing everything within my power to help this Lost Soul out.  I wonder if I’m doing too much, not doing enough…I question what to say, what not to say.  And that’s me, I can’t imagine things from his end.

The meeting ended and I headed home.  I had a day to work on my Capstone.  As soon as I got home I got the next email saying the apartment we had successfully rented via AirBnB could not be rented because her account had been hacked and it wasn’t actually available.  Of course not.  This is the 3^rd cancellation.  I began contacting people and sending emails instead asking if flats were actually available on such and such date.  Marcos, the hot Italian photographer wrote back that yes his was free and so I asked if I could discuss it with my kids first.  He said sure, our love was sealed and off I went to Capstone it.

Only I didn’t, because I was reaching out and seeing what I could do to help, find out, read, anything about helping a kid who just CAN’T.  I chatted with folks at his school, I called 2 therapists (for him), I looked things up online, I talked to Jen about Sensory Processing Disorder on top of ADD, followed my Major Depressive Disorder.  This kid, were I still where I was last year (and were he in high school) would be in that class, because he is so battered he could very well be disturbed, emotionally.  And that kills me.  I had to leave to see a client at 5, my sweet boy at work.  Before he got there, though, Elena talked with me about my Boy, and what could be happening, what should be looked at and addressed.  I’m so grateful for her and others like her who understand what this is like.  Then my client showed up. This kid has stolen my heart.  After session, I went home and had an incredible talk with my sister.  She’s pushing for me to move to North Carolina, which , honestly, if CH doesn’t work (which is inching further and further away with Ethan), hell, yeah, why not?  I miss my sister desperately.  

The kids and I had dinner (chicken and broccoli, Jake would be proud, but cough is reemerging) and then I showed them the AirBnB flats and we decided that yes, Marcos was our guy.  Then I took Ethan to go get some ice cream and we talked.  It was not the most pleasant of talks…and Ethan just sat.  Mind you, I was so gentle.  My heart is breaking over this boy  but it had to be said – that this is bad and it was getting worse.  He knows.  A few words came out, but then he sat.  He wouldn’t answer… just sat.  This is the tough part, when he shuts off.  I got 3 more packs of Halls (#6, 7 , 8, though these are smaller) & ice cream, but didn’t know what to get mags and no idea about Ethan,.  I knew it had something to do with the Grateful Dead so I got Cherry Garcia, which didn’t sound like Ethan, but was worth a try.

He began speaking when we started driving home…he said he just doesn’t understand about the homework, the assignments.  He gets the history class, because that’s clear, but he is lost with the rest.  He seemed more at ease, for the moment.  Turns out he likes Half Baked (see?  Grateful Dead!), so now I have a freezer of Cherry Garcia, but oh well.  We headed into the room and he talked a little more after a  while.  He isn’t suicidal, but said he often feels death would be so much easier, which I remember so well, myself.  

Pictures:  A Beautiful Sky

September 23, 2015

I was up before the alarm – mostly because my body alarm was telling me I really had to pee, but wait!  A light!  Shit – that meant Ethan was in the shower and ohmygodno I would have to wait, wait , wait until he finished.  My mind was in agony as I contemplated the time it would take…maybe I should go run out in the back yard?  Maybe I…and then my mind started thinking of all sorts of weird things that had absolutely nothing to do with peeing.  That’s the part of not being quite awake that’s weird.  I finally sat up and then realized – I couldn’t hear the water running because I had my earplugs ins.  No biggie at all !  “Hey Ethan, can I come in?  I need to pee…” and so, my day began with brightness, positivity and an empty bladder.

We listened to Eazy E on the way to school.  I couldn’t handle these pop songs anymore.  Straight Outta Compton…I envisioned us in a gold caddy with hydraulics.  Yeaaahhhhh..  Of course Ethan would make me stop the jumping as soon as we pulled up to school.  At least Maggie is ok with me – for a brief minute more, I know.  I headed straight back home and had to figure out AirBnB.  My latest request had also been turned down – wife wanted to come visit.  So I continued seeking.  No worries, I knew we would find the perfect place.  

Time to head to my appointment where I was microabrasioned and then chemically peeled.  I am not a big one to do these things, so this was kinda rare.  I think I tried this once before.  In the last three weeks - pedi, hair color and now this.  What the hell is happening to me?  At any rate, it is always great to see Marina whom I’ve known for almost 12 years – I had my business and met her at BNI, we’ve stayed in touch through all these years.  Once this was done and next appointments were set, I headed to work and group supervision.  More great feedback from these incredible women and I am blown away by the people I work with.  Really – I thought about that tonight as I sat in practicum.  I am not crazy about many of the people in this class (and am not FB friends with any, so no worries).  Many people get into this for the wrong reasons, I think.  Yet I don’t see evidence of that at the place I work.  The people here are very inspiring people that I continue to be amazed by.

Quick salad run (I know, it’s getting pathetic but I want to feel good for CH) and off to my personal therapy.  This was incredible.  I did a sand tray for the first time.  Initially, I was not impressed with the idea and thought, “This will be stupid, I already kinda know what I’ll do,” but then, it emerged and it was about staying in that safe place of Enlightenment, safety, love, knowledge, light, compassion, rather than crossing that bridge into the unknown for the adventure (and the journey it contains) to find the treasure.  This treasure was hidden behind a castle, guarded by 2 dragons and a poisons tree.  I found that I cannot stay in the safety area, for I carry all those things within me, that I must always continue forth and push on, always seeking a new experience and the lesson (or silver lining if it goes awry) the journey contains.  It was very helpful and an amazing session.  I loved it.  Analysis of self through the subconscious; does it get any better??

Off to class where I was one of the last to read my case study.  It was an intense case (so were the others, though) and Weber didn’t question my theory or ask how/why/what….  Thank god, because I can not verbalize that yet.  I just do it.   I’m so Nike.

Picture:  My first sand tray.  It's ok, I checked, it isn't sacred like my altar was (which I have since taken down).  I get so nervous about messing with sacred things....