Completing the Circle

Can you hear the steam as it frantically escapes the prison of the tea kettle?  No, not the whistle of the kettle, but the desperate cries of the steam as it rushes furiously out, only to disband in confusion as it wonders where it is.  A short while ago, this “steam” was calm and complacently together as its other self – water.  Now, it has been forced into a different state of being and a lot of confusion must be dealt with before it can return to the state of peace.

I understand those cries of the steam.  Everything was alright for so long.  Sure, some pieces were out of place at times, because we all have our boiling points, but which family doesn’t?  And then, suddenly, literally overnight everything changed.  The semblance of our Family System breathed its last breath and quietly died.

 Oh my goodness, no, please don’t worry.  I’m not still hanging on to those dysfunctional roots from decades ago, and yet…as Shakespeare wrote, “The wheel is come full circle, I am here.”  All of those horribly wretched times had their place in our lives.  I cannot speak for anyone else, but I have Watched, I have Listened, I have Learned.  

I’m not sure there can be anything more inwardly gratifying as experiencing one of those “Aha” moments in which your struggles, tears, and frustrations suddenly come together somewhat cohesively.  Past experiences don’t create “the” answer, it doesn’t erase the tapes which, though almost silent, still resonate in your head, and it doesn’t excuse anything, and yet, it’s all okay now.  Your soul is freer and celebrates its independence. I have returned to graduate school so that I can help others out of a hole I once was in.

After many years as being the Identified Patient in my family – you know, “the reason that everything was going to hell” – I was finally able to say (though, to be honest, I had said these words many times before), “Fuck you!  It wasn’t just my fault!”  I was always the one sent to the psychologists, psychiatrists, OT therapists, PT therapists,  speech therapist, Christian youth groups, rehabilitation centers…which ever “helpful” title could be found, there I went.   When none of that worked, I was shipped off to boarding school, which created a whole slew of other issues, but also many great friends and memories. Yin and the yang, right?  

Though very clearly given the role of IP, I was never blatantly told by anyone that the familial distress was due to my head injury and subsequent problems, but sometimes words don’t need to be used.  The situation became quite obvious in the way interactions shifted between the individuals I had spent my existence with.  The elephant in the room began to rot and decay, yet the only solution was for many, including myself, to point more fingers at me, the Identified Patient.  

Nothing hurtful was done to me intentionally, for within the family-in-crisis, members are struggling to hold onto their sanity as the life they knew spirals out of control. The glorious (and simultaneously frightening) fact about families is that they involve more than one person.  Each member plays their part and families are an orchestrated event, so when something happens, there is reaction.  It is therefore, most assuredly, only natural to consider the IP as the reason for the change in family dynamics.  However families live in a state of symbiosis; they all depend on one another to play certain roles, and when these roles are inextricably changed, the entire community as such, is altered.  This is not to say that each family necessarily has clear-cut parts (the hero, the scapegoat, caretaker, lost child, mascot & mastermind), but the roles we had before, whatever they were and however subtle, shift.

There are not, cannot, be clearly defined solutions for such families, for not only is the family a group of individuals, but the family is a system within itself.   The manner in which the family has operated, engaged, moved, reacted, and responded has been altered without permission.  Thus, in an effort to signal to family members and society that,  “Hey! This isn’t ok with me!” retaliatory events begin to take effect.  Disobedience, lying, arguing, substance abuse, depression, extra-marital affairs, avoidance, denial, suicidal ideations and attempts, and running away (both physically and mentally) take place.  Attempts to revert the family system back to homeostasis (the way that it was) occur naturally and subconsciously, yet the same players are no longer in the game, and so usually, without professional help, attempts are unsuccessful.

How did this happen in my family?  I’ll give a you a glimpse into my world, my viewpoint:

I was sixteen, had been in a car accident and I simply didn’t understand.  One day I was “normal” and the next (well, after coming out of the coma), I was a person who could no longer participate in the things I had always done and I didn’t – couldn’t - understand why.  Imagine being suddenly told that you cannot drive a car, when there doesn’t seem to be any reason why you shouldn’t be able to.  Imagine everyone suddenly treating you completely differently.  Why??  WHY ARE YOU ALL TREATING ME DIFFERENTLY??!!!  It didn’t make any sense. 

And, as most any child who is told “No!” again and again (as they had to, for I was no longer capable, of driving, of going to school, of hanging out with my friends as most  16 year olds do), I threw fits.  I was angry, I was hurt, I felt so belittled.  I am 16, goddammit!!  Why can my sister do things that I can’t do?  She’s younger than I am!  Why have so many things that I was so good simply been ripped from my life?  I can’t swim anymore (my left side was considerably weaker and my impressive ability to hold my breath was destroyed by a collapsed lung), I can’t go to concerts, I can’t go to my boyfriend’s house,  I have a ten o’clock curfew (this made me feel lower than almost anything.  I was so humiliated that I had to be home at 10).  It just isn’t fair!  The accident wasn’t my fault, so why am I suffering for it???

My behaviors became much more risky, which is a common symptom of head injury victims.  I became clinically depressed and suicidal.  I began cutting myself.  I participated in so many things I would never have even considered before.  I wasn’t myself.

And my family?  Well, they weren’t themselves, either.  Roles were shifted, re-categorized and re- written.  There was never a family therapy plan.  My father didn’t want to – that’s not “how you handled problems”.  My mother?  I’m sure she would have attempted, though that wasn’t how she was raised, either, but as a mother you are desperate to do whatever it takes to keep your family together.  My sisters continued on with their lives, with their schooling, hearing about all the things I did from friends, some of it true, most of it probably not.  What a wonderful way to grow up, huh?

But there is a solution, and to me it doesn’t include sending a family member away, especially since there were just as many ‘bad things” out there.  Though to be fair, a big part of it was to shield & protect my sisters, giving them the most normal life possible.

It’s in the past, now.  My father has died, from complications brought on by alcoholism, my mother lives in Colorado and surrounds herself with friends and the current offspring she is friends with.  I speak with one sister, and it is so very healing to slowly begin to rebuild what we can of our family.  Yet, so much has been lost.  It makes me sad, but that’s ok, it has to be ok.  I have my own history, I’ve been in recovery for twenty years, though not all those years successfully, I’ve had two divorces: one from a man twenty-three years my senior who was a blatant fill-in for my own father (it was a short, platonic marriage) and the other a lovely relationship with the father of my two beautiful children.  We still have a good, loving relationship.

I have two wonderful children, and as a somewhat professional attendee of therapy for half of my life, I know the cycle will end here.   We talk about things; we share, we laugh, we scream, we sing, we giggle, we cry.   It is our feelings, our emotions and is as acceptable as can be.  It is so beautiful.   If something traumatic ever where to happen, I will be on that  phone  to a colleague for an immediate appointment, because I very much understand where the lack of a qualified MFT lead my family. I will not let that happen with my kids.  Cycles can be broken and everyone has skeletons and dirty laundry.  It makes us the individuals we are.

Yes.  The wheel is come full circle, I am here.