May 8, 2016

After finally falling asleep, my ear still ringing from the thunderous roar of Hips fans, I slept fitfully.  Not all is right in my World right now, for reasons unknown to me.  At 6:17, I was awoken by my Girl-breakfast-in-bed in hand.  She had awoken at 5:20 to get breakfast made before I habitually arose from bed. That child is One In a Million.

A few hours later, I checked on The Boy- he was  in the kitchen, preparing to cook himself bacon for breakfast.  My Girl was still sleeping – she had made another entrance to give me Mother’s Day gifts before excusing herself once more for sleep.  I turned around and went to my room, doing something I haven’t done in years.  I cried.  I’m not sure what is going on – I have never experienced anxiety in the way I have as of late, but it was the actual sobbing-catch-your-breath-as-more-tears-fall crying and it was oddly comforting. I was just dozing off to sleep as there was a loud BANG! on the door, and in walked Ethan with breakfast-in-bed #3 (he’d made my first one last weekend, knowing Maggie would make mine this morning) – bacon and a bacon omelet. 

 

We managed to get dressed around two and headed out in Lizzie to the park with the dogs, where we played for a good hour the dogs.  My sister called and we spoke for a half hour.  I am so torn – I miss her so much!  Since about age 17, I haven’t had a close relationship with my family and even after my father’s death, it took a couple of years, but we are now so close and I cherish that relationship so.  I want to be that crazy aunt to her kids like Tanti was to me.  As we were leaving the park, the Maggie asked me how many more days on this Whole30 and I told her.  “Maybe that's why you cried this morning...because you miss Mexican food.  It just had deeper meaning than you realized.”  That girl may be on to something.

We dropped the dogs off at home and headed to the store where I saw many men grabbing flowers and fancy dinners for their loves.  How the circle closes: I would come here with baby Ethan and here he was asking me about the clutch on the bus and Maggie is sharing how she and three of her friends are planning on driving Lizzie down to Coachella someday.  Ummm….nope.  I cooked us a very fancy dinner as we watched half of “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World”.  A simple day, but a day with my kids.  

And so – my anxiety.  I realize the timing of this is may very well be related to stopping my SSRI (which I took for depression which began shortly after my TBI). The extreme anxiety I experienced yesterday at the fest has been occurring at just about every music show I’ve gone to.  Despite what those who know me well may think, it is terrifying for me to be alone at shows, but I go anyway, because eventually I see someone I know or the music starts and I float away. I’m going to state that as much as I love being alone, I HATE being alone and I worry I am pushing myself into further isolation.   Like an idiot, I bought another ticket this morning to an event – despite the fact that I don’t fit in.  This exposure therapy isn’t really working, yet I keep doing it, despite. I want to thank those people who helped me yesterday at the fest and Andrea this morning – you mean the extra more world to me.   It has been three days short of two months since I stopped my 5-a-Day (don’t think I haven’t noticed that timing with my stress, as well), and I have missed it.  Happy Day to all women out there, because whether we’ve birthed a child or not, the majority of us mother in some form or fashion.

Pictures: Our Mother's Day shot...and the practice-makes-perfect shots.